Hi Courtss, I know how you feel, I've been there and you are not alone.

Addiction is a rotten nightmare and when we are in the middle of it we can't imagine a way out, but lots of people get clean and stay that way and you can too.

You have a golden opportunity here and you're smart enough to grab it. A radical change in environment is a terrific help for changing any habit. I predict you won't miss getting high, that you'll feel relieved and start to cultivate your power and sense of survival and direction.

Reading was a great help to me too in my quest to understanding my addiction so read, write, cry, rest, get exercise, pray and have stubborn faith. The more you can learn about addiction (the MA site is a great resource) the better your chances of STAYING clean once you get back.

Congratulations on your new life! (Over two years clean here, life has never been better, I have accomplished things I never imagined and grown up so much, I will never fall back into that trap again.)

Let us know how you're doing, please.

Thanks!

Any advice on what to expect during the detox days? I have read about mood swings and sleeplessness... I'm mostly worried about cravings!!

Does it get easier or will I always have the urge to smoke??

I know these are all conditions particular to individuals but I was hoping on maybe some insights into others' person experiences during the Detox stage.

My plan is to keep busy and establish a routine so I can regulate my sleep. Oh and have so much fun doing things I won't think about getting high..

I hope to write in my journal as often as I can so I won't get to "lost in my head" with unproductive thoughts.

That takes major courage. I'm glad to hear you recognize your problem and are taking steps to solve it. That's something most people can't do. Stay strong, and best wishes for a clear mind & body.

My experience: Once I FINALLY accepted I could either smoke myself to death or stop FOREVER (no middle ground opssible), something clicked. I was very emotional the first few weeks, but then I started to believe I was free, and my moods stabilized. I had no particular physical symptoms. The thought of smoking again pops up occassionally, but I banish it, it's so absurb. Why would I go back to a horrible jail? So, I don't have cravings.

I repeat: the more you learn about addiction, the better set of tools you'll have. Rational Recovery and the Addictive Voice idea was KEY for me. All the voices in your head are not the real you, and learning to sort them out will keep you free from cravings. I think AA (or MA) also has some very powerful practices to offer.

Start by focusing on the freedom and peace you are moving too and not the "pain" of cravings. Real pain is being an addict. Both your body and your soul want desperately to be free and healthy, it is only a confused "primal" part of yourbrain that equates being high with survival. Don't let the two year-old drive the car!

PM me if you want.

My experience: Once I FINALLY accepted I could either smoke myself to death or stop FOREVER (no middle ground opssible), something clicked. I was very emotional the first few weeks, but then I started to believe I was free, and my moods stabilized. I had no particular physical symptoms. The thought of smoking again pops up occassionally, but I banish it, it's so absurb. Why would I go back to a horrible jail? So, I don't have cravings.

I repeat: the more you learn about addiction, the better set of tools you'll have. Rational Recovery and the Addictive Voice idea was KEY for me. All the voices in your head are not the real you, and learning to sort them out will keep you free from cravings. I think AA (or MA) also has some very powerful practices to offer.

Start by focusing on the freedom and peace you are moving too and not the "pain" of cravings. Real pain is being an addict. Both your body and your soul want desperately to be free and healthy, it is only a confused "primal" part of yourbrain that equates being high with survival. Don't let the two year-old drive the car!

PM me if you want.

My experience: Once I FINALLY accepted I could either smoke myself to death or stop FOREVER (no middle ground opssible), something clicked. I was very emotional the first few weeks, but then I started to believe I was free, and my moods stabilized. I had no particular physical symptoms. The thought of smoking again pops up occassionally, but I banish it, it's so absurb. Why would I go back to a horrible jail? So, I don't have cravings.

I repeat: the more you learn about addiction, the better set of tools you'll have. Rational Recovery and the Addictive Voice idea was KEY for me. All the voices in your head are not the real you, and learning to sort them out will keep you free from cravings. I think AA (or MA) also has some very powerful practices to offer.

Start by focusing on the freedom and peace you are moving too and not the "pain" of cravings. Real pain is being an addict. Both your body and your soul want desperately to be free and healthy, it is only a confused "primal" part of yourbrain that equates being high with survival. Don't let the two year-old drive the car!

PM me if you want.

My experience: Once I FINALLY accepted I could either smoke myself to death or stop FOREVER (no middle ground opssible), something clicked. I was very emotional the first few weeks, but then I started to believe I was free, and my moods stabilized. I had no particular physical symptoms. The thought of smoking again pops up occassionally, but I banish it, it's so absurb. Why would I go back to a horrible jail? So, I don't have cravings.

I repeat: the more you learn about addiction, the better set of tools you'll have. Rational Recovery and the Addictive Voice idea was KEY for me. All the voices in your head are not the real you, and learning to sort them out will keep you free from cravings. I think AA (or MA) also has some very powerful practices to offer.

Start by focusing on the freedom and peace you are moving too and not the "pain" of cravings. Real pain is being an addict. Both your body and your soul want desperately to be free and healthy, it is only a confused "primal" part of yourbrain that equates being high with survival. Don't let the two year-old drive the car!

PM me if you want.

My experience: Once I FINALLY accepted I could either smoke myself to death or stop FOREVER (no middle ground opssible), something clicked. I was very emotional the first few weeks, but then I started to believe I was free, and my moods stabilized. I had no particular physical symptoms. The thought of smoking again pops up occassionally, but I banish it, it's so absurb. Why would I go back to a horrible jail? So, I don't have cravings.

I repeat: the more you learn about addiction, the better set of tools you'll have. Rational Recovery and the Addictive Voice idea was KEY for me. All the voices in your head are not the real you, and learning to sort them out will keep you free from cravings. I think AA (or MA) also has some very powerful practices to offer.

Start by focusing on the freedom and peace you are moving too and not the "pain" of cravings. Real pain is being an addict. Both your body and your soul want desperately to be free and healthy, it is only a confused "primal" part of yourbrain that equates being high with survival. Don't let the two year-old drive the car!

PM me if you want.

Wow. Thank you everyone for all the positive support! And for sharing your stories with me. Yesterday I left my comfort zone, I don't get to the rented house until friday so we are exploring the keys until. So far everything is going ok. Trying not to think about weed. Slept ok, had a hard time getting to sleep.
So far so good.
off to keep busy!
Longer Update to come.

Day 3 - WAS ROUGH!! Met some friendly travelers at lunch today who invited us to go night fishing with them! It was Great! We went from 8pm-5am and caught yellowtail, toro, grouper, and mangrove!! So much fun.. Until I stepped off of the boat. I was hit with a severe case of Land Sickness. I was SO sick for 10+ hours and couldn't even keep water down. This is def this first time I have experienced being nauseous without weed to help me cope. I. Was. Miserable. All I could think about was how that is the ONLY thing to make me feel better. because my bed felt like i was on a small boat in high seas I decided motion sickness pills would do the trick.. they did.

One of the guys on the boat even offered me some hash and I was able to say NO :)

My appetite has basically ceased to exist.

I got NO sleep last night and didn't nap today and its 2:02 am and Im not tired at all :(

I have had NO migraines..
--- I have had migraines since I was a child and they became more frequent when I developed and started menses. My nuero calls them menstrual migraines. So its pretty cool I haven't had any yet.

Hopefully, my appetite will come back soon. I miss eating.

We leave for Miami tomorrow to spend with my parents for one day. Then head to the Bahamas.

I am slightly nervous about the Bahamas. The lady who is our "host" who lives down the street befriended me on FaceBook and one of the posters she had posted was all about her love for pot.

Now, let me clarify: I am in no way against weed. I am addicted and dependant upon it. I wish I could just smoke occasionally, but thats not my personality. I have mentally attached myself to it and have realized it is unhealthy. I believe any unhealthy attachment to ANYTHING can be extremely destructive.

Today, I made it. Tomorrow is another day. One day at a time. I am proud of myself for making it this far and am looking forward to my life free of addiction. And it feels really good. :)

How are you doing Courtss?

I am doing well!! I haven't wanted to smoke, really, I have had a few times where I felt like it would be nice but it wasn't imperative and I wouldn't classify them as cravings. Unfortunately, I got a pack of cigarettes and have smoked like 3. I was gonna try and cut out all smoking. When I was 19 I quit smoking cigarettes by replacing them with weed. So, I do not want to reverse that. The trip has been a lot of fun so far!! the Island only has 120 people on it and we have been offered green a few times but it really isn't something that I want in my life right now. I like who i am not high. I haven't had any migraines at all and I'm finally sleeping and eating again! thank you for the concern and I will update again soon.

Update:

I am so frustrated with the girl I came here with. All she wants to do is go out and drink and meet people. She keeps talking to the sketchiest people and wants us to go hang out with them and I am not O.K. with it.

I have to say she has been helping me when it comes to not smoking.

This month is going to go by so slowly if I can't conquer my frustrations. Here is a short list of what is annoying me:

We are on an island, a perfect beautiful island. With a population of 102 people who are all native and the only pub is 45minutes away. She keeps complaining about having nothing to do when I told her there would be nothing. I planned that to assist in my recovery.

This island is tropical and with that comes SUN and BUGS. She refuses to wear sunscreen because it causes cancer so she won't go to the beach. She also refuses to use bug spray so she won't go outside. Unless some strange man asks her to go do something.... then the bugs and sun don't matter. Its just when I want to do those things.

I understand not wanted to use DEET but I brought "organic" deet free spray.

Sunscreen.. I bought expensive sunscreen developed by oncologist to prevent sunburn and chemical absorbency through the skin.. SHE STILL WONT USE IT.

Tomorrow I am going out on my own to have some private time to suntan. I am just frustrated and need to vent.

My life without weed is going GREAT. I really don't remember the last time I felt this good (much less good) about myself. I am more confident and can't wait for the rest of my life.

Alternatively, I have been getting pretty sad thinking about the last 10 years of my life that i have essentially wasted getting high and watching MTV. I have to get over that. It isn't healthy and isn't helping my depression.

Other than that.. so far so good. Classes start the 29. I am anxious to see if I still procrastinate like I have done the last few years. I hope I don't. I hope that was just the weed speaking for me, but we will see!

PLease Please someone comment or respond or anything. I am desperate for some human contact other than my room-mate, mother, and boyfriend.

A few details from the vacation: Went snorkeling today, saw a shark and have never swam faster. My heart rate is still sky hi. I think it was a lemon shark or a nurse shark but it was bigger than me and within 5 feet of my leg. SCARY. The sun is finally out thank goodness. Sitting inside watching Law and Order all day just doesn't have the same appeal without a bong.

Hey just to let you know im on week 3 of my detox. I have been following your posts and let me tell you if i can do it then you can. I also stopped because of my studies. Keep it up and keep me updated as to how your doing. Unfortunately i didnt have the luxury of going to a tropical paradise to detox im sat here in my dark bedroom, craving a little. This site is keeping me sane and off it, we need to help each other, even by just saying 'hey i read ure post'

Day 31. Thirty days have passed very very quickly. The end of my vacation is approaching, slowly, in 9 days I will head back to the states. I will stay in Florida at my Parents house for about a week. My sister is going to let me ride (horses) are her farm and I am really excited about that. I used to compete in my younger years but threw that all away to find a solid weed supply. So I am trying to get back into it. I really love riding and showing. I just like being around horses. I can't wait to get back into shape and start. I miss Colorado so much. Mainly my boyfriend (that I am always bitching about) and our dog. I can't wait to move back there with him in our house with our little family. Unfortunately I don't have a house :( I put all my stuff in storage and moved out because I didn't want to come back to the same place thinking I would go back to my same routine of smoking all day long. So I am relatively anxious about that.

Bad Note: I have been thinking a lot about smoking. More so than I did the first week. I have this feeling inside of me that I want to smoke and I keep justifying it in a way that it is okay as long as its just once a week... But I know that once a week will turn into once a day.. and before I know it I will be back where I was before I started this Journey.

My plan is to stay really BUSY so I don't have time to smoke. I really don't want to and I am enjoying not having that "hold" on me.

I was really excited because I hadn't had a migraine in 29 days. But yesterday I got one. I am not upset about it. Just know that I do get them even when Im not poisoning my body. Its around the time of the month I get them (sorry men.) I notice that I get easily irritated and rather bitchy and short before I get one. I don't want to be around anyone. Last night, my boyfriend and I, ended up getting into an argument because I told him he doesn't pay enough attention to the dog. Which I do believe is true. But I def needed to present that topic better I was kind of demeaning and rude. I need to work on that. Having a migraine coming on or having one at the moment isn't really an excuse to start a yelling name calling match with him. He does take really good care of the dog. She sleeps in bed with him at night and he plays fetch with her whenever he can. But he works 60hr weeks and when I am home I work around the dogs schedule to make she she has a perfect life. I love her more than anything and she has gotten me through some really tough times. She is def my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.

I am hoping that my social anxiety goes away now that I have stopped smoking. I know that they aren't all going to go away like that, and have recognized that some are there permanently and I was self medicating with weed to avoid them. I am referring to my depression and social anxiety. I can't play into those. As soon as I get back to Co. I am starting therapy two times a week. Its really hard to commit to therapy when I am commuting from all these different places and don't really have a steady home.

I really can't wait to have a home. I have places to stay.. but non of them are comfortable or frequent enough for me to call home. I think having that will make me feel more stable. If I have a place to go and hide and get away from people and life then I will be able to get out more because I know I have a place to go. I don't know if that makes sense and I am kind of rambling.

Until next time. I will try and write more often.