I have been on both ends....The addict feels it real intense real quick...But the avoident it does take time because they are able to mask thier feelings through other things.
I used to stuff it way down and then act out due to those unresolved issues...

In the end both the addict and the aviodent will need to process the loss in order to move on and have a healthy relationship with anyone...

When you say act out (for the avoidant), I would assume that would be casual relationships or other addictions?

I don't wish her (or anyone) this kind of pain but I would like to think that she misses me on some level.

I know a friend who had a three year love affair with a love avoidant and he was very interested in other women all the time. He finally dumped my good friend and she went into severe withdrawal but she's ok I think...he is with someone else already...someone he had lined up all along. Yes. It's hurtful.
I have not figured it all out but I 'm trying to stop all this. My bf and i are trying hard to stay together and learn how to be peaceful.

I think I can confirm this. I've known that I tend to be this way at the end of some of my relationships and I've been looking for some source that talks more about it. Haven't found much yet, but was surprised to see this topic here. I notice I will jump into a new relationship and it's extremely intense. I let myself become glued to the person, then after a while, it starts to float downward and when I see it not lasting as a healthy relationship and see that I made yet another mistake, I start to withdraw and feel distant. When it finally comes to an end, I do feel relief and take advantage of all the time that was lost being 200% consumed by the relationship. But then, after sometime, I start feeling the pain of the loss and start reliving everything in my head. I start really missing the person and it's really hard not to contact them again, even if just for friendship. It's a bad, unhealthy attachment .. yet, somehow, a distant attachment. Becomes exhausting.

I used to jump into new relationships as well...That masks the pain of processing the relationship your getting out of...But that next relationship will be doomed before it even begins!!

I have been both the love addict and the love avoidant, even within the same relationship. It is difficult and painful. I am praying for guidance and for the strength to not indulge in the isolation mode I seem to be in at the present time. I don't feel obsessive at this exact moment but that is because I am kind of in avoidance/isolation mode (except for work) over the last few days.

That describes me, I think - a little of both in relationships. I didn't know if that was even possible, but I definitely feel from both ends of avoidance and addiction, though avoidance seems to always prevail for me.

I think when we've been abandoned or abused in some way we have to find ourselves again. And along the way..it's REALLY uncomfortable to look in the mirror and confront the pain of loss or abuse. Anger.
And so anesthetizing ourselves with euphoric love and romance makes sense. Those chemicals are crazy good. So finding that "ordinary" life again ...that "simple" life again and learning to love it ...is probably going to be a huge task. I know it will be for me. Here I come. ..ordinary.
We can do it....:) yes we can

Yes, the avoidant does usually feel some sense of loss but not as immediately as the love addict. As I said, I've been both love addict and avoidant at different times. It does hurt more being the addict who is "abandoned" but the avoidant person experiences a mixture of feelings most of the time unless he or she is extremely narcissistic.

Hi. So I'm involved with a man who has had affairs on/off while with an alcoholic wife . He is no longer with her. he has sought therapy and gone to alanon meetings.
However since he's started therapy for his daughter, for coparenting her because she dropped out of school, he's been going to her therapy sessions too. He says they often last 2 hours. And she just started going to a new therapist and he has met this new therapist for his daughter twice alone. He often meets her therapists alone. And when he sees his own therapist he often is gone for 2 hours. I know from being in therapy that a set block of time is assigned to a patient and they rarely let you take other peoples' time slots and they rarely will go overtime with you. Is my bf lying to me? Is he really NOT at therapy and going through an avoidant streak? IWhat is the protocol for therapy for your daughter and meeting alone with a therapist and what is protocol for going overtime with your own therapist? Is this him being avoidant??? Is he on a love addicted rampage or love or sex addicted streak ?

Guess there is no answer . I think that I have to start trying to let go. I have to

CrazyAngel please start a new topic. You need answers you won't find on the tail of this thread.

Hi Crazyangel08,

In Codependency and Love Addicts, some of the primary tendencies we have are to try and figure out the other person so much so that we forget ourselves. In this case...you are asking about what the man you are having an affair with is doing.....but the fact that he is not completely divorced from his wife and the fact that you are questioning at all...are strong indicators that he is an avoidant, probably looking for his next 'score', and that you are forgetting yourself in this obsession with him.

No matter what he is doing....all you can do is take care of you and think about how this cycle and unhealthy attachment is affecting who you are and what you want to do with your life.

I know it's hard. I have been there. Trust. Me. The key thing is - to focus on yourself, because you are the one who has the courage and you are the only one you can figure out and change.

This is awesome:
"I think when we've been abandoned or abused in some way we have to find ourselves again. And along the way..it's REALLY uncomfortable to look in the mirror and confront the pain of loss or abuse. Anger.
And so anesthetizing ourselves with euphoric love and romance makes sense. Those chemicals are crazy good. So finding that "ordinary" life again ...that "simple" life again and learning to love it ...is probably going to be a huge task. I know it will be for me. Here I come. ..ordinary.
We can do it....:) yes we can "

Peace be with you and congratulations for starting to take steps.

- Red

Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody, describes it well. She calls it the Co-addicted Tango. The Love Addict becomes exhausted with the pursuit, gives up and turns away. After awhile, the Love Avoidant notices she is no longer being pursued. This triggers deep, abandonment fears and the Love Avoidant turns around to try to get close to the Love addict. One is running and the other one is chasing almost all of the time.

What book are you all referrering to...that describes the love avoidant and the delayed withdrawal for them/