well, how about spending all that that free time you have to work on fixing your life instead of ending it? as for help, you are right, all we can do is give advice, you are the only person that can really help you. formula is fairly simple (yes, i know simple things can be very hard); pdoc and meds (or even things like ECT) will lift you a little from the bottom of the pit or down from the top of the high but that is all they are good for. the idea is to use them to gain enough strength to fight for yourself and then take over the battle using your intellect. first step is getting angry with the problems instead of being their victim, building up the will to fight that battle in the process!

best wishes and *big silverback hugs* till then :)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been fighting for over 50 years. I am out of strength.
Nothing I have done has helped. I see a pdoc and take my meds.
There is nothing I can do to change my life. It has to end.

analyze the 50 year fight, find the weaknesses in the battles, devise new plan of attack!

btw, the first thing you need is some serious meditation (or deep prayer if you are religious). both are good at separating the awareness from the thoughts and emotions. you are not trapped in them, you're just so used to being there that you recognize them as who you are.

there is much more territory in your brain to move your awareness to but first you need to see yourself as that awareness rather than the thoughts and emotions it is stuck in.

before you can escape something, you need to know who you actually are first.

I've read so many of your posts, you consistently describe my own life.
I'm a lot older than you, been to X number of therps/drs., etc. and nothing has gotten better.
I fought tooth and nail to reclaim some semblance of a life.
I have no idea if my own depression/anxiety and panic disorders are genetic or not but both my mother and brother had forms of them all their lives to.

I know many here have found successful ways to have a "life", something that seems to elude you and I know eludes me.

The big difference between you and I though, you have the strength to encourage and support others in the midst of your own situation.
You still have a lot to give to others in this world!!!
I'm sure something you've said to someone else gave them the strength to get better. You have a very kind soul.

It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know what to say without it being misconstrued, which I hope this reply isn't!!!!

I don't have any sage advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and that at least one person understands for some people there just is no peace. The best we can do is keep clawing our way minute by minute through each day and hope the end will come sooner rather than later.
No, I'm not suicidal but I really wish this old body would just stop.

((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))
mc

Keep that hope alive and never give in to the "no change" thought. You are very special and needed by many here. Sending you many hugs of comfort and peace in your daily struggles.

I'm worried about you heretic. I sent you a message and a hug. I hope you will let me, and the others, know that you are okay. Lots and lots of hugs. Gramybear

sure the end seems like it might be a lot better but fear of mine if I try ending my life I would not succeed but the failure would leave me more of a burden to others and unable to ever live as I am now again....I see that as a bad ending to a situation that now looks better....so since I have tried to kill self in past I now no longer will act on that...but does not mean I sometimes do not get into pity pot or pit and feel that is the answer.....I refuse to act on it just plain and simple...

We love and care about you heretic. Please know that. You are NOT alone in this very difficult fight. I won't believe that there isn't anything that we can do to help you. My heart hurts for you.
Please don't give up. I sent you a pmessage and I hope we can find an answer. You are so worth it!! So many hugs. Gramybear

Hi Heretic,

I hope we hear from you soon and you let us know you're okay. It;s so hard when we seem to be stuck in a misery that never seems to end, but that does not mean it cannot. Sometimes we just have to keep trying different things, but i know it's hard when you;re so tired. Hang in there. Many of us are here for you if needed.

I am still alive, and hating every minute of every day.

Thanks you all for caring so much, it's sad no one can really help me.

I may just quit my job and live on the street, see how long I last there.

My disability attorney says I don't qualify because I work to many hours

I really wish I was dead and this was all over with, I hate life so much

Maybe there is something I don't know :

but questioning your disability attorney I have to do.

He says you work too many hours? Okay when I was the worst, I couldn't do anything the least bit useful -- meaning if I had a job I'd get into arguments w boss.

When I was the worst I gave the family doctor a piece of my mind. Whereupon he became white in the face and placed an urgent phone call. The rest is history.

IMHO your disability attorney is one of several ppl looking the other way and doing nothing about your deep-down pain.

Ppl say, "To get disability one has to have a lawyer or doctor in one's corner."

To heal, you need to spend some time in an environment w almost-zero stress.

your post brings back memories, . / Caleb
:(

Oh Heretic,
I feel your pain so vividly. I feel like this A LOT. Some days, it's all I can do just to fake it through the day. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed with constantly trying to overcome so many bad things that have happened in my life. I feel like that fish, Gill, on Finding Nemo who is life-hardened and very wary of others and life. I feel like what has happened in my life defines me and keeps me stuck. Sometimes, I just lay in bed and fantasize of dying and never waking up.
I try my hardest to not "go there" and stay strong for my son who is also depressed and struggling right now. Long story, but things are happening in my life where I feel completely alone. I pray a lot and trust everything will be okay and I go another day.
I pray for you that you will be okay; that strength will find you and that something will enter your life to change it for the better.

Peace and Hugs.

I'm not sure if you're just wanting to vent or if you want ideas.

If you want ideas, can you tell us more about what you have done to try to feel better? What has or hadn't worked and to what degree?

More hugs for you heretic... I'm thinking of you, praying for you, and I want you to know you are loved very much on this site and others. Hugs GB

If you aren't able to work all of the hours say so sweetie... If you have to quit because of being to ill talk with your doc and lawyer about it... Let them know how sick you are...
If you're suicidal I would go to emerg and be admitted to the hospital H....xo