Lately I often feel like I am wasting time and wasting my life. I often think about if it would be possible to achieve anything, or what I really want.
I often am surrounded by people but I don't fit in with anyone. I don't understand them or their lives as anything other than a problem that needs to be solved, and fixed if possible.
I'm fairly outgoing and friendly but idk how to make friends. Especially being in a relationship I feel like I have to focus all time and attention on him and what he wants to do. But we don't have a lot in common and I don't enjoy doing activities with other people. Other than talking or eating together. I hate sports, they are so boring. He wants me to go do things in the city, and go to concerts. I feel sick with dread to do those things. I feel even more lonely when surrounded by people or in a crowded city. Like I have no voice and barely exist.
I try to keep myself occupied when I'm not at work, but I don't have enough money to do much, or the people I live with always want money and things.
When I was single I was miserable, but I'm not happy now either because I'm chained to one person. Well 2 since I am also chained to my mom.
Everyone acts like it is so easy to just be single and live on your own. It's not at all. Everything costs money and time.
Maybe the reason I feel like such a waste is because other people take so much of my time. I have so many projects and activities I want to do. Such as get more education, finish writing my cookbook, cook more, garden more, get a gym membership and go often. But idk when I have time to do those things because I am allowed no independence. I sit and waste my time all day at work never learning anything new, then I get home and mom barks orders. I have to start dinner or if I avoid cooking I have other chores to do. If I try to work out at home he complains that he just wants to relax and watch TV. We have a small house so I guess it bothers him. He wants me to sit beside him and be bored watching TV or watch him play vid games! Uggh that's the worst. Meanwhile my mind is ticking off all the things I need to be doing.
I feel much more lonely now. Maybe it's because I dread everything. Idk why but when I had more time to myself I felt more hopeful and less lonely. Now I just feel old and tired like I never had any youth it just got taken away a long time ago.
I'm feeling broken. I feel lost and stuck and I don't know how to get out of it. How do you move on from pain and heartache in your life? The past is gone. We cannot change it. All we can do is learn from it and make today and our future better. I know all of this. But how do you accept loss,betrayal..all the negative things. How do you learn to live with the things that keep you up at night and...
Last night I went to the gym and it was awesome! Literally nobody is at the gym on Friday night. They recently moved our cable tower to a better location and since I was alone, I got to play around with it for an hour. I had a great workout using the cables and all the attachments. Well 4 of the attachments. I also used a step for most of the moves and after my mostly leg workout, I finished with...