Hi,

A few minutes ago I got lured to Facebook (which I normally avoid) and then started checking out profiles of friends I used to have way back 5 years ago. ..That's roughly how long since i really socialized. 

I have always dealt with a lingering social discomfort and even some clumsiness, mostly just when it comes to being around a group of people. 

This difference has meant a lifetime of feeling inadequate, and sadly that is mostly due to being judged as inadequate. It is just more difficult for my brain to keep up with more than one point of view at a time. Actually, I have trouble with seeing the bigger picture in general, frequently - even struggling more than just a little to finish a project without going off on a tangent and getting bogged down by details. ...Whether its called poor mindfulness, or other terms I've heard (and now forget) ...this trait of mine is deeply imbedded and I just find that I struggle in the world.

I have also been on the receiving end of pretty horrible bullying -from individuals who I notice have similar issues themselves -two tunnel-visioned people do not tend to get along, unless one of the parties becomes the obliging doormat -ergo the bullying... YUCK.  And, likewise, I have no desire to be a doormat to such a person just to have a friend (i'm not sure if the terminology would be narcissist and co-dependent). 

But, to close: I am just so unbelieveably frustrated and exhausted from the ongoing struggles finding people.

Those friends I mentioned, I lost because I could not keep pushing my self to socialise (which I frequently found taxing to me, as I tend to need familiarity).  I experienced changing jobs and a new social world there that I had to scramble to fit in with (even taking drugs and telling them about my anxiety in order to buy my self some time and patience from them). 

...Someone like my self struggles so much in this world that just isn't built for me. There is simily too much change. Add the obstacles of people with similar traits who deal with it by putting their heads in the sand and acting like assholes to anyone they clash with (and as a young female, I copped more bullying than was in any way fair -assuming it ever could be fair).

I try to hang in there. There are days when I do get really depressed (my other big issue is the bullying I received; my family are a part of this problem - and anger and resentment because of how negatively this impacted my ability to function in the past).  I am very greatful that I did get to fit in with a workplace and people there - one of them was truly wonderful and life saving in his acceptance of who I was as i was, warts and all. I absolutely love him for this. They have given me hope. Otherwise, I think I would have fallen apart in despair - I probably would be in quite a bad way and still stuck with severe anxiety problems (these people cured me of my anxiety, they were the opposite of people from my past like my family and other jerks I attracted early on).

Sorry for the length. But if you made it this far: any tips or solutions?