You're not silly and certainly no loser ... I don't think anyone ever really stops caring about some socializing. I think I've just learned to accept loneliness and just live with it. Don't give up because it only gets harder as you age. No one seems to notice I exist, much less share a genuine hello or smile. Hope you'll find DS helpful.

Welcome to this forum. Lot of nice people on here. What do you mean "when you scare people off by just saying hi?"

Human beings have brains that like being in connection with other human beings. So seeking connection with other people is usually a positive thing and connected people live longer according to statistics. Now you could be an introvert and like more alone time than some other people do. That is perfect fully normal.

I am wondering what you think might be scaring people away from you when you try to talk to them? I used to know this guy who was really loud and boisterous and would walk up to people and yell their names, say something weird, and it made a lot of people get that uncomfortable look on their faces. Yet this strange man had tons of friends.

i really don't have an answer to this. i have always been introverted and almost never have made the first move (unless i was manic and thought everyone needed to know me and wasn't afraid of anything). i made friends primarily through school and sports when i was younger but was always the 'little sister/puppy dog' of the group that they mostly just tolerated. in adulthood i have made friends through work but now i have a very isolating job even though i am around hundreds of people a day. i have approached some of them and expressed interest in being friends but never get an invite. something is turning them off. i am not on social media so that isolates me even more. i will say that when i wasn't on medication (lamictal) i was much more social even though at times it was detrimental. since i am now emotionally numb and my moods are stable i have lost the ability to put myself out there. probably a lot of shame and fear contributing to that. when it comes down to it, no one approaches me. i am not sought out. i hate it when people tell me 'well someone has to make the first move' as if that person needs to be me. but why can't it be the other person? it gets harder as i get older too.. i am 40, never married, no kids and single for almost 7 years. i think that freaks people out because its not normal.

I have the same issue with people. Just saying hi is like a crime now. It seems people are miserable. I have my down days. It's crazy times. It might be best to keep to yourself as I have. You avoid problems with people. I do try to be sociable though. I'm kinda lazy and boring to most people I suppose.

Was listening to comedy radio and that helped me a bit. Just do what you can. Take a day at a time. Join a club or sot at a bench and chat with a stranger at the park.

people seem to think that in person conversations that don't involve use of a phone are outdated and creepy. no one is genuine anymore. i do things that i enjoy.. i also like comedy, classical music, reading, school work. but i have yet to find someone who likes those things as well. they can't find me and i can't find them because no one is looking up anymore. when i go into public spaces i immediately take a survey of how many people are looking down at their phones. 99.9 percent of them. i am the .1 percent that is paying attention.

I think you can be happy alone. Have a family member went through a bitter divorce, and he's not looking to go through anything like that again and reasonably happy alone. . My son is extremely popular and I recall one day he had something like 15 friends over, and they decide to watch a movie, and talk, and review, evaluate, pick a movie already I thought to myself but that's me. So you can have different choices in this world. A cousin had a fun, exciting life and she married at 50.

But if you want to be popular or have more friends, some suggestions.

1. Smile. Genuinely compliment people. Everyone has some degree of insecurity and wants to be valued. Naomi Judd is a great singer but was rarely complimented by her mother. One day she got 20 free tickets for her friends, acknowledged each during the concern, and her mother complained that she forget someone.
2. Dress well. Not ostentatious but appropriate. When I was young, I was sloppy and a fair number seemed to dislike me for that. Why, not sure.
3. Go with group norms Try to see what people in a group are doing and go with the flow. Something sensible at the wrong time may not work. Consider tempo, how people are doing things. They had a lady in my mom's (rest in peace) social circle, decided to buy present for a variety of women, it didn't come off well.
4. Join groups you genuinely like We've all seen it. Guy goes to church, someone mentions the pastor's insightful sermon and the topic switches to insurance which he sells. Join a group because you like what they're doing and you'll probably meet people with similar interests.
5. Different assessment Women notice it, why are men flocking around that nasty girl with a short skirt. Smart people see value in different ways. Women may be attracted to surface things just like men but less ready to acknowledge it. With my son at a football game and see a nice but regularl looking girl, and sure enough she starts a conversation about the game. But why did she have to choose him (he gracefully acknowledges her comment and slips away a couple minutes later) when maybe a less good looking guy would have appreciate the start.
6. Don't get offended With my son at a golf outing where he was also singing with a group. He played terrible. Started singing and said common everyone get up and dance, no one moved, said it again same thing. But he didn't lose his composure, continued to smile and sure enough at another time, people were dancing, singing along, and it was a nice time. We're here because of moods so note you might not have said or done anything bad, just caught someone at the wrong time.

And finally, after like a hundred years, Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is still outstanding.

I think you can be happy alone. Have a family member went through a bitter divorce, and he's not looking to go through anything like that again and reasonably happy alone. . My son is extremely popular and I recall one day he had something like 15 friends over, and they decide to watch a movie, and talk, and review, evaluate, pick a movie already I thought to myself but that's me. So you can have different choices in this world. A cousin had a fun, exciting life and she married at 50.

But if you want to be popular or have more friends, some suggestions.

1. Smile. Genuinely compliment people. Everyone has some degree of insecurity and wants to be valued. Naomi Judd is a great singer but was rarely complimented by her mother. One day she got 20 free tickets for her friends, acknowledged each during the concern, and her mother complained that she forget someone.
2. Dress well. Not ostentatious but appropriate. When I was young, I was sloppy and a fair number seemed to dislike me for that. Why, not sure.
3. Go with group norms Try to see what people in a group are doing and go with the flow. Something sensible at the wrong time may not work. Consider tempo, how people are doing things. They had a lady in my mom's (rest in peace) social circle, decided to buy present for a variety of women, it didn't come off well.
4. Join groups you genuinely like We've all seen it. Guy goes to church, someone mentions the pastor's insightful sermon and the topic switches to insurance which he sells. Join a group because you like what they're doing and you'll probably meet people with similar interests.
5. Different assessment Women notice it, why are men flocking around that nasty girl with a short skirt. Smart people see value in different ways. Women may be attracted to surface things just like men but less ready to acknowledge it. With my son at a football game and see a nice but regularl looking girl, and sure enough she starts a conversation about the game. But why did she have to choose him (he gracefully acknowledges her comment and slips away a couple minutes later) when maybe a less good looking guy would have appreciate the start.
6. Don't get offended With my son at a golf outing where he was also singing with a group. He played terrible. Started singing and said common everyone get up and dance, no one moved, said it again same thing. But he didn't lose his composure, continued to smile and sure enough at another time, people were dancing, singing along, and it was a nice time. We're here because of moods so note you might not have said or done anything bad, just caught someone at the wrong time.

And finally, after like a hundred years, Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is still outstanding.

I am very introverted as well and for the most part, prefer to be alone - I also really need a lot of alone time just to keep my sanity,

However, even introverts need occasional social interaction, and there's nothing wrong with this.

Finding the right level of interaction for you is key. Are you happy making small talk with cashiers and people at work, checkout lines etc...or do you crave one or two meaningful relationships? It helps to figure this out so you know what next steps to take.

When you ask why does it have to be you who takes the first step, well it kind of has to be because this is your life, and if you want or need social interaction, then you need to take steps to incorporate it into your life.

I have never been good at interacting with people, am also in my 40's and it's definitely not easy to make friends, so I understand how challenging and frustrating it can be. It's definitely something that requires me to step outside my comfort zone, but I think you did a great job of that by posting here.

You got a lot of responses from people who are in similar situations which is a good sign that you're definitely not alone in what you're going through.

I’d love to learn to not want or need anyone. I know people who seem to be like this and I’m jealous. But I’m sure they are miserable inside as well. I am way too needy of people.

i appreciate everyone’s input:

to bobby5000: nothing you mentioned are things i haven’t tried. and while carnegie may have been on to something, ‘winning’ friends is desperate and contrived. neither do i want to be associated with.

to sonnycamehome:

i am polite and responsive to everyone i come across.. from cashiers to professors to management. but it ends there. if i try to imply that i am interested in them beyond surface interactions i am treated as though i am asking to marry them. there is something about me that isn’t desired but no one has the guts to tell me what that is. maybe i look weird? i would love to have meaningful relationships with a small amount of people but if no one is wanting to get to know me then there is nothing i can do about it. feeling powerless is the worst part i think. i cant force people to want to try. its an unfortunate sign that i am not alone..

I know many people in their 40s and 50s who are involved with hobbies that they do with other people, ie book clubs, bike riding clubs, etc. Or they belong to their neighborhood association or other organizations that require socializing. These are just examples of ways people put themselves out there. I’d say it’s easier to make connections when around others with a common hobby or interest vs trying to connect with random individuals you come across.

I also think getting to know people is a kind of a baby steps thing. Building rapport takes time.

Since the pandemic, the way some people socialize has changed. They may be more into virtual socializing now, or because so many folks work from home now, they are less willing to go out after work.

So in some ways I think meeting people and socializing requires being adaptable and open to different ways of engaging.

Also, if you think you are a loser or not likable, maybe people pick up on that negativity. I don’t know that obviously but if you aren’t really liking yourself it’s hard to draw others in.

Often I am ignored but I don't let it bother me. I don't make an issue of it - just carry on regardless

The three ways I made the most friends in my life were in school first, then at work, and later in life through a recreational sports league.

In my late 20's and early 30's, I played volleyball at local parks, gyms, recreational leagues, both co-ed and all women's. I did it for fun, but I ended up making - no lie- like 100 new friends with people I played volleyball with. Yes, at least 100 people I now knew. We hung out together after the games, we got together on weekends, just suddenly I had all these friends.

Just sharing my experiences and hoping it gives you some ideas to go out and try doing. If you work, I have made friends at work that lasted decades. Do you keep in touch with anyone from high school or college? And then like I said, joining a recreational sports league (you don't even have to be that good at the sport!) is a way to make lots of new friends. Pickle Ball is the new thing here, maybe look into that?

It's not easy, that's for sure, and no one here is saying that it will be easy. But you have to put yourself out there, and try new things. You can do this.... good luck.

girlincalif: those are all great ideas. unfortunately i am not in a position to put myself out there. i am 40 years old, live at my mom’s, drive my grandmothers old car and work at amazon. granted i am back in school but no one wants to be friends with someone that old who doesn’t have their life together. add in bipolar disorder and it’s the icing on the cake. i think i am going to have to wait until i have stature, money, a nicer car and my own place before i can put myself out there and get results. thank you for the kind words though.

I think you are right about how our society or culture has now become less friendly or friendship oriented. You gave excuses why you can’t. We are telling you that you can. The pandemic has been hard on people and the media, politicians, doctors, all taught us to be afraid. When you were really manic, that was a turn off to others. It feels off somehow to other people. But now is your new life. Now you get to change. First off stop with the can’t or expecting others to value you. Find your self value and love and you will attract people. Not trying to sound harsh or mean but your words feel so negative that I wonder if it turns people off.

People at work are there to make money not friends usually. I finally realized it was social groups or hobby groups or church classes or groups where people wanted to make friends. And it takes a long time to first observe someone and then have enough conversation over time that you can start to trust them and they can trust you. Drop the can’t and figure out an I can. Make a list of I cans. There are meet up groups but it will take a few months of steady attendance to begin. My relative plays modern cards at a card shop every weekend and has made friends that way, older adults have card groups, old style, too. He is bipolar and had to get to a place in life where he felt good about himself and he began his life over, so to speak. He had to make the first step but playing cards was easier than going to a party and making small talk.