My whole life I struggled to have friends. I used to get stomachaches and social anxiety when trying to socialize. I think it's because I got bullied so much for my lisp. I don't feel close to any family, the ones I did are dead now. And I only have 1 friend, but we've grown apart because she lives very far and has a family now.
I want to be happy and belong somewhere. But I'm so scared to put myself out there again. Another attempt to make friends, as if it's my lifelong purpose that I never actually fulfill.
Last year I was so lonely I had sex with a guy just because he was nice to me and asked. It's been 6 months and he's still the only person I ever spend time with. We don't even like each other, we just use each other for different reasons. I hate it and cry a lot because I know it's pathetic to sleep with someone just to avaoid being alone. But if I don't spend time with him occasionally, I letterally have no human contact outside of grocery store clerk and my doctor.
I'm so lonely and depressed. I'm alive but waiting to die.
It's hard to ask for encouragement but here I am. I've battled depression and anxiety for years. These past 2 years have been a really prolonged bad spell. Today is one of those days, I'm just tired. Tired of battling. And my mountain today? Just trying to make myself get to the grocery store. We need food in the house. I just want to want to live. For simple things to not be monumental tasks...