I am finding myself wandering around aimlessly searching for things to do, I have even organized my pantry, bathroom and kitchen, anything. I have been going to the gym and the lonilness is still so present. I talked to my daughter again about the need to sell the house, because of finances, and she again says I nee to move where it is less expensive to live, about 30 minutes away. I do not want to do this as it will be in a small town with even less to do and I will be that much further from friends and family. she says it is only 30 minutes big deal and you haven't done any activities anyways so what is the big deal? it is a big deal, I can only imagine the isolation I will get into. I don't want to drive that long for work, it doesn't pay for me to do that. it is a nasty situation and whatever I do is going to be very hard. the cost of living here is very high. my son danny is still not telling me what he plans on paying me, he says I have been ripping him off and it will not continue, such stress. I will not have him live here rent free and just split one bill, he will be out the door. I understand he wants his own place but while he is here he has to pay, his attitude is awful and he is trying to make me feel very guilty. his rent money has enabled me to pay the school and property taxes. he says everyone helps me, everyone gives me money, I felt so small. he just received a very large settlement check from his fathers death and has done nice things for me in the house, which I did not ask for but am very grateful but it is not my fault if he has gone through the money. it feels like he has a knife in my back and is twisting it.
danny found his dads compound bow at my parents when helping them with Christmas stuff. I had completely forgotten about giving it to my dad for safe keeping. he had it with him when he was killed, electrocuted, and it brought forth some awful memories, but I am glad that he wants to use it, I am sure his dad is liking that. I can still see the bow thrown across the road. now that I have let danny use it, well get it re strung and practice shoot I feel I need to give david the muzzle loader now instead of on his birthday, and it all makes me sad yet happy thy want to do what their father did. sigh....