Living with someone with severe OCD Community Group
Support group for family living or dealing with a family member with OCD. All is welcome into this community people with or without OCD. I dont understand everything My wife is going through and I need to know how to help her. PLEASE HELP ME.
Hi, I have been living with and doing business with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. We dated for 6 months long distance, then he moved in. Our problems started pretty soon afterward. I started noticing that he had to do things in a certain way. He turned out to have really bad anxiety and blow up, cry, get angry, etc if things were not done the way he thought they should be. He would have irrational fears and worries, and wear me out for hours, days, weeks about these fears until it turned out they were not true. Anything from our flyers not being delivered on time(we run an event business), to other people moving or touching his equipment if he had to leave it alone for a few minutes(he expected me to stand there watching it if he couldn't even though I had other responsibilities), to people talking to him while he is in the process of setting up(he wants them to all stay out of the room but it's impossible to prevent people from coming in and asking questions DURING AN EVENT) and other things. I did events for years previous to this and it was just never THIS HARD. He makes working with him a misery. He took control of our kitchen and I have not been able to cook anything for 3 years, and he gets mad if I put anything in the refrigerator because he has places where he wants everything put. He has specific sponges for specific things in the sink and gets mad if you use a different one. Somehow something got used to clean the sink in our old apt that had once cleaned or touched the toilet and I found out that even months later he believed the sink to be "contaminated by feces germs" because of this and was having anxiety about it. He has specific places for everything in his area and doesn't want anything there to be touched, which is fine with me because I like privacy in my area too. If you casually mention that you want to do something, he takes this to mean that it will DEFINATELY HAPPEN AND IT IS SET IN STONE, so if you then deviate from the original "plan"(which to you just means you casually mentioned that you might like to do something), he becomes irate and upset because you "changed the plan without telling him". He also hates if you add a chore to an originally scheduled chore, such as if I say I want to go to the store but then decide to drop the laundry off before I go, he gets really angry and irate.
It's been hard to deal with ALL the anger and stress, the first year I kept feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I've developed a couple of new wrinkles too. The second year I feel bad about this but I started yelling and screaming at him. I yelled, threw things and threatened to throw him out because I could not take it and I didn't understand what was wrong. It sucks because he ARGUES ME BACK ABOUT CRAZY STUFF. He insisted that if I hung a piece of lace on the wall of one of the clubs we work at, the fire department would DEFINATELY BE THERE AND CLOSE THE PLACE DOWN. I think that was the start of me realizing that something just wasn't right. I got so angry and I screamed him down about that, because I just was unwilling to have a partner who would believe that the city would mobilize it's forces to take care a piece of lace on the wall of a club. I even hit the kitchen wall with a pan and there are still two round circles in the wall of my old apt from that crazy argument.
Before he lived with me he suffered a nervous breakdown over his father stealing his trust fund, which is understandable and could happen to anyone. He was living at his mother's house and she had forced him onto medication. The medication was making him feel sick and miserable, unable to sleep, and had increased his panic attacks. He couldn't go anywhere and was overheating, and was obviously a different person than he had been before(I knew him before the breakdown). With my help he got off the medication and now drinks no caffiene or anything that could irritate his nervous system. I thought I was doing him some good, but now I feel that maybe the mother KNEW HE HAD OCD. She didn't want me to help him get off of it, but she didn't explain to me what the matter was. He told me that the doctor had given him the medication for depression, and I didn't agree with medicating people's depression over normal life events. So much for my armchair psychiatry!!! I hope I didn't do him a great disservice by getting him off the medication. I have paid the price in stress since he moved in here.
I just want my old life back, when I lived by myself and didn't have ALL the arguing, ALL the stress, ALL the craziness, the rules, etc. I am positive this is OCD. I feel used because nobody told me. I confronted him and all he did was argue me AGAIN about how this problem was because I AM AN ABUSER AND RAGEAHOLIC. NO- I REFUSE TO ACCEPT CRAZINESS. I feel bad for yelling if this really is a mental problem, but his mother should have warned me or he should have told me if he was ever diagnosed. He went to counseling, did his counselor ever tell him he had OCD? Is that why he was on medication? I am really suspicious that she knew but just didn't tell me. She seemed distressed when I helped him get off the medication but didn't say why.
I feel tired, burned out, BEYOND burned out- I feel like if he moves out of here, I am going to have to sleep for 2 months to get over the damage to my nerves from the past 3 years. Oh, and our sex life has SUCKED. After the first 2 months it dwindled down to once or twice a week, and I like to do it every day! And it feels mechanical, like he is calculating every move and is not acting out of passion. Occasionally it is good but not very often. Whatever this disorder is, it sucks all his energy and he can take or leave sex. LAME, I always said I'd never get into a relationship like that. Yet here I am.
There are some good things about him or else it could never have lasted 3 years. He is obsessive about work and has pulled off some pretty amazing feats because of it, like doing events everyone else said were impossible. My house and especially kitchen has been uncharacteristically clean and well stocked (only I can't cook anything or move things around in the fridge without upsetting him). He fixes things very well (but gets obessed and anxious about the jobs while he is doing them), and takes care of our pets very well. But he works from home and having all the stress from him being here all the time is just really hard. As I said, I often dream about my old life and wistfully think about the times I could just have peace and quiet, meditate, etc. He refuses to do yoga or meditate by the way, and has no spirituality. Not only that, he told me at first that he believed that there are "writers", people who work for the government or even higher than that who script our lives and make things happen, and sometimes they do experiments on us just to see what will happen. Hmmmmm.......when I confronted him about this later on, when I started suspecting that something was just not right, he claimed that he had changed his views. But I wonder...he doesn't believe in any higher power in the sense that most people do, and obfuscates as to what his beliefs actually are. I suspect that he still believes that there are "writers", but just stopped telling me.
OCD? I believe so. And I can't see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I miss the ease and casual affection of a normal relationship, and the peace and quiet that comes along with one. Thank God we didn't get married or have kids. That's another bad thing, he is against having kids.
It's been hard to deal with ALL the anger and stress, the first year I kept feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I've developed a couple of new wrinkles too. The second year I feel bad about this but I started yelling and screaming at him. I yelled, threw things and threatened to throw him out because I could not take it and I didn't understand what was wrong. It sucks because he ARGUES ME BACK ABOUT CRAZY STUFF. He insisted that if I hung a piece of lace on the wall of one of the clubs we work at, the fire department would DEFINATELY BE THERE AND CLOSE THE PLACE DOWN. I think that was the start of me realizing that something just wasn't right. I got so angry and I screamed him down about that, because I just was unwilling to have a partner who would believe that the city would mobilize it's forces to take care a piece of lace on the wall of a club. I even hit the kitchen wall with a pan and there are still two round circles in the wall of my old apt from that crazy argument.
Before he lived with me he suffered a nervous breakdown over his father stealing his trust fund, which is understandable and could happen to anyone. He was living at his mother's house and she had forced him onto medication. The medication was making him feel sick and miserable, unable to sleep, and had increased his panic attacks. He couldn't go anywhere and was overheating, and was obviously a different person than he had been before(I knew him before the breakdown). With my help he got off the medication and now drinks no caffiene or anything that could irritate his nervous system. I thought I was doing him some good, but now I feel that maybe the mother KNEW HE HAD OCD. She didn't want me to help him get off of it, but she didn't explain to me what the matter was. He told me that the doctor had given him the medication for depression, and I didn't agree with medicating people's depression over normal life events. So much for my armchair psychiatry!!! I hope I didn't do him a great disservice by getting him off the medication. I have paid the price in stress since he moved in here.
I just want my old life back, when I lived by myself and didn't have ALL the arguing, ALL the stress, ALL the craziness, the rules, etc. I am positive this is OCD. I feel used because nobody told me. I confronted him and all he did was argue me AGAIN about how this problem was because I AM AN ABUSER AND RAGEAHOLIC. NO- I REFUSE TO ACCEPT CRAZINESS. I feel bad for yelling if this really is a mental problem, but his mother should have warned me or he should have told me if he was ever diagnosed. He went to counseling, did his counselor ever tell him he had OCD? Is that why he was on medication? I am really suspicious that she knew but just didn't tell me. She seemed distressed when I helped him get off the medication but didn't say why.
I feel tired, burned out, BEYOND burned out- I feel like if he moves out of here, I am going to have to sleep for 2 months to get over the damage to my nerves from the past 3 years. Oh, and our sex life has SUCKED. After the first 2 months it dwindled down to once or twice a week, and I like to do it every day! And it feels mechanical, like he is calculating every move and is not acting out of passion. Occasionally it is good but not very often. Whatever this disorder is, it sucks all his energy and he can take or leave sex. LAME, I always said I'd never get into a relationship like that. Yet here I am.
There are some good things about him or else it could never have lasted 3 years. He is obsessive about work and has pulled off some pretty amazing feats because of it, like doing events everyone else said were impossible. My house and especially kitchen has been uncharacteristically clean and well stocked (only I can't cook anything or move things around in the fridge without upsetting him). He fixes things very well (but gets obessed and anxious about the jobs while he is doing them), and takes care of our pets very well. But he works from home and having all the stress from him being here all the time is just really hard. As I said, I often dream about my old life and wistfully think about the times I could just have peace and quiet, meditate, etc. He refuses to do yoga or meditate by the way, and has no spirituality. Not only that, he told me at first that he believed that there are "writers", people who work for the government or even higher than that who script our lives and make things happen, and sometimes they do experiments on us just to see what will happen. Hmmmmm.......when I confronted him about this later on, when I started suspecting that something was just not right, he claimed that he had changed his views. But I wonder...he doesn't believe in any higher power in the sense that most people do, and obfuscates as to what his beliefs actually are. I suspect that he still believes that there are "writers", but just stopped telling me.
OCD? I believe so. And I can't see myself dealing with this for the rest of my life. I miss the ease and casual affection of a normal relationship, and the peace and quiet that comes along with one. Thank God we didn't get married or have kids. That's another bad thing, he is against having kids.
I let him know that it was the last time I would ever share something that I've accomplished with him because he is not an accurate reflector and the fact that he was so negative about my weight loss lets me know that it is threatening to him and therefore he does not want the best for me. And this is someone I was considering helping out with his OCD by prividing him a place to live???? Even if we were no longer together???? WOW. It seems like in that situation he should be saying that I look like the most beautiful woman in the world even if I look terrible. This situation is so backwards and crooked, skewed against me. When I thought about it more, I realized that he was the reason I had gained the 20 lbs so why would he be happy that I was losing it? Expecting the negative people in your life to suddenly become positive is a crazy behavior that *I* need to stop. I have to stop looking to him for any positive reinforcement. I was with him for 3 years and accomplished nothing that *I* wanted to do, just goals that HE shared with me like our business. I feel like he manipulated me into channeling energy towards HIS goals. Low self esteem on my part is definately part of the problem, so I basically let him know how little I valued his opinion any more, how wrong I knew it was, and how he showed his true colors with his negative statements about my pictures.
I don't see how I could stand being around him after we are not together. I was being altruistic thinking that I could let him stay in an extra room to get himself together as I carry on with my life, but now I see how unrealistic that is. He is way too disruptive and manipulative to have in my space as I move on with my life.
We have to move out of here on Oct. 1st, LATEST Oct. 31st. I'm going to let him know that this is where our paths part. Not only that, it's his own responsibility to find a place to live. I'm not his mother, couselor or guardian.
So basically, in this case what you've got is an OCD sufferer who must use other forms of treatment than medication. I'm sure this makes it much harder to manage.
One of his friends who also abused the Meth is really messed up. He constantly talks in an annoying manner and can't be gotten to stop, nobody wants to be around him. He is on the verge of getting kicked out of his apt from inability to keep a job, most likely because of this problem.
Perhaps these guys have to get a diagnosis of their mental problems and get state aid. All I know is, I'm not a support system.
He is going to be particularly hard to get through to and deal with. He sadly believes that
1) He is only suffering from General Anxiety Disorder and Stress
2) He does not, in fact, have OCD and does not need treatment nor counseling, but can get away with just drinking Valerian Tea when he feels bad
3) Meth is not dangerous and does not cause permanent changes in those who take it or were addicted to it at one time, that all that talk is just hype from the government. He persistently believes this even though he sees that his friend is truly permanently messed up from it and is getting kicked out from his apt from the inabliity to do his job, and he himself has an inability to do the job he has now and can't find a new job.
4) That when I cannot deal with the way he behaves, I am being "rude and insensitive"
5) That I am suffering from an "anger problem" and that's why I get upset about his behavior
6) That by agreeing to work together with him on our company, I somehow agreed to pay the deficit in the bills until the company does well EVEN IF it is years until it does well. That I never said that if it didn't do well for 2 years that he had to find other forms of work to make up for what the company is not making.
He staunchly believes all these things and more. He will not back down off of his beliefs.
IN SPITE of these beliefs, he STILL wants to spend AS MUCH time as possible in my company, so that each time he leaves the house it is because I yell and FORCE him out the door. He wants to sleep in the same bed every night, wake up together, spend the day together, and go to bed together that night, and this is what he would do unless work or something else intervened. But he can take or leave sex. If we spend a week together but don't have sex, this is no big deal to him.
THIS IS CREEPY. And THIS is what I signed up for?
So today, I woke up, exercised (with him tagging along), and went out to do some shopping (with him tagging along). There was some turbulence this morning such as him begging me for reassurance, wanting me to make miniscule decisions for him (he asks me if he should leave lights on and off, if he should leave AC on or off, what he should wear, if he should shave or not, what he should eat, when he should eat, etc, etc etc which I've told him he is not allowed to do any more but he still does). Finally when we were in the car with me feeling resentful and angry about having spent 48 continuous hours with him already, he found some old flyers that were stuffed in the door of the car. He saves all our old flyers, as many of them as he can, and hides them in different places in the house and car, which I really resent because I hate clutter). He asked me if he should get rid of them. I told him angrily that he should get rid of ALL the old flyers he had stored in various places in the garage, apartment and car. He then disagreed with me saying that he did not, in fact, have them all over. That was the last straw. But instead of yelling, I developed a serious migraine. I had intended to shop for some things in the city and eat. I ended up clutching my head, telling him he HAD to be quiet, driving to a Chinese place and getting takeout, rushing home and barricading myself in my room.
It's time for the freak show to end. I had let my life get taken over by someone who is sick and it's now making me sick. I'm going to have to get the guts to tell him that he HAS TO FIND HIS OWN PLACE TO LIVE OR GO BACK TO HIS MOM'S.
My boyfriend is still living with me for now. He did his utmost to reign in the symptoms of OCD and to understand how his past drug abuse had exacerbated it. He never went to counseling but he is very bright and he grasped it. He managed to use herbs to good advantage and modify the behavior that was stressing me out. This is after he saw how serious I really was about having him move if he didn't change. It's really quite impressive what he has done with no therapy. I didn't think it was possible. Yet he hasn't fought with me over an OCD issue since August.
He still, however, has no job and a very meagre income that doesn't even come close to covering his share of the bills (and the bills are not really that high, they are average).
He leaves me alone, he doesn't try to tell me what to do any more, but now I am stuck with a yes-man who makes me feel terrible when he seems to have no life or opinion of his own. Still, it's better than having someone who disagreed with me and tried to argue me down about stupid stuff, and less draining on my energy.
It has become clear that he's an alcoholic. Even now he is in a drunken slumber in the next room after drinking too much when inviting people over. He slurred words, stank to high heaven of liquor and acted embarrassing, dropping a garbage bag on his foot and smashing a bottle on it, then cursing drunkenly and falling to the ground, attempting to take off his shoe and moving like a drunk.
There were several problems at work here- the OCD is just one of them. Then there was/is the alcoholism, and after that the chronic underemployment. There is also the constant depression and reliving of the past/obsessing about "what it would be like if his father had not stolen his trust fund". IN BETWEEN all this he manages to be quite a decent chap with a sweet personality, a funny sense of humour and genuine caring for other human beings and animals.
It's still too much for me to take, so I'm left with this feeling of utter, utter sadness. I'm truly, TRULY going to miss that sweet guy who exists in between bouts of living in the past, innapropriately getting way too drunk, never having enough money for his basic bills, and getting upset because someone used the wrong sponge in the sink. I'm going to miss him. He is a dear soul. But he does't want kids, saps and drains my energy, gets in the way of my getting ahead and makes me miserable to be around for more than a day or two. I have to tell myself that he will be fine, he will be at his mom's house with her swimming pool, two dogs, warm Florida sunshine and the nearby beach. She is well off and he is well taken care of when he is there. Still, it breaks my heart. He is very cuddly and loves to give presents, watch TV and movies together, make meals for me and takes really good care of me when I'm sick, with homemade chicken soup and everything. He loves sharing and making other people happy. But making me work for the both of us is just really cruel. How can someone who seems so kind be so cruel to make me have dark circles under my eyes and not be able to follow my dreams?
The worst is that I now have to move, and he wants to move with me, but is unwilling to 1) use his credit rating to help us get a better apt (mine is still kind of low) 2) doesn't have nearly the money it will cost to pay his half of the moving expenses. 3) sign the new lease since he doesn't have a job, they may come after his mother if something bad happens and we can't fulfill the lease. So it's fine to have them come after MY family if something bad happens, just not his family. So in other words he wants to live as though he is my dependent child and never have to worry about what his credit rating is, fulfilling a lease or paying his share of expenses.
Good God. I never thought there could be a man who wouldn't just naturally do these things with the woman he is with. I'm pretty sure I could FORCE him to do them, but I should never have to. If I screamed and fought, I could force him to use his credit rating to help us get a new apt, or sign the lease. I could probably even force him to have kids. But who wants to FORCE these things??? I certainly don't. I'm not up for more screaming, and I always pictured myself with a man who naturally took care of me AND our future family, which he wanted and took responsibility for.
It all boils down to "he's got to go". That is so sad.
He just basically lives with me and pays for his own food but he knows that he does not have the right to tell me anything or give any input or commentary about what I do. He knows that any OCD behavior at all is unwelcome and unwanted. He pretty much keeps it all inside, and if it does rear it's ugly head I say something about it and that's that. He basically just cooks, cleans and works on the business and stays out of my business and life.
My new apt is much larger and he will have his own area that is far from my room so that I will not have to have that much contact with him as long as he is there. He has also found people to do things with that he likes, and leaves every week or so to go spend time with them. He knows that is part of the deal with living with me, he has to have friends, have a social life and make an effort to be normal and fit into the community. I threatened to start locking him out during work hours like the local homeless shelter if he tried to spend 24/7 in the apt. There is a reason they do that, if not the people would find it more convienient not to get a job and just hang around the place all day every day since that is easier than trying to find a job and a place to live.
It seems that he is terrified to go back to his mother's, maybe she would put him on mediation again or maybe he was really miserable there (it's Florida, there's not of opportunities). I've been encouraging him to move in with one of his male friends who needs a roommate. I think that when he brings in a little bit more money, it will be time to "encourage" him to move into a roommate share situation. Or, I think in the New Year he should go to the welfare office and sign up. Under Obamacare he will be eligible for a lot of benefits as well, starting in 2014.
As you can see from my writing, I have lost a lot of patience and respect for him, due to having to treat him like a developmentally delayed child rather than an equal. I am exasperated and feel as though I put my foot in a bear trap rather than a relationship. If he had cancer or something like that, I could say "oh god, this guy needs my help". It's the nasty attitude that OCD sufferers have toward those who are trying to help them that makes it so very difficult. You really do need to be on the level of Mother Theresa or a Saint to help these people. I have the feeling that a lot of homeless are OCD sufferers in addition to their other problems. That's why I didn't just dump him out of the house- like stray animals I find, I'm making sure he will be OK. I know that sounds bad but I feel taken advantage of because this really was the mother's responsibility. She either doesn't care, or doesn't know how to help him, or doesn't have the strength, or a combination of things (I rather suspect she is great at shifting burdens on to someone else). I care on a human level but this has cost me a lot of money and time and it's really unfair. I have seen others in a similar situation- a dysfunctional ex boyfriend renting a spare room in his ex's apt, and so forth. It's painful for everybody involved but it's what people have to do in order to help one another because there are no social safety nets in the USA for the middle class. Perhaps Obamacare will change that.
My ex acted on his BEST BEHAVIOR when we were dating, before he moved in. He held doors for me, pulled out my chair, paid for meals, cooked meals and could not have been more interested in what I had to say. But there were clues that I could have paid attention to. He complained of things at his mom's that I couldn't see any problem with. Things that had been moved or changed not to his liking. He insisted on food being a certain way- that was a BIG clue, later on he took over my kitchen and practically forced me out of it, and THEN tried to justify not spending money on bills because he cooked! He also obsessively combed grocery stores calculating the best prices, for HOURS, to the exclusion of finding a job. I'm not saying that everybody who is particular will end up doing these things, but just watch out.
He also, on our first date, took out his college scrapbook and insisted on walking me through every picture on every page. I found that strange seeing as how I didn't know the people and never would- how could it matter? It seemed selfish to use two hours of our time on something that I couldn't relate to- would *I* take HIM on a voyage through my college scrapbook on our first date? Of course not. This selfish behavior has been a keynote of our relationship, with him obsessing about the past to the exclusion of the issues we must deal with on a day to day basis and my needs have been ignored, the theme being that "he wished he was still in college" and reminices about it every, single day. And other timeperiods in his past. I am taken on an unwilling tour of his past almost every single day and I know almost each and every character from these key times in his life, although I will never know them in real life, and the time could be better spent on finding a job and dealing with the relationship and business we have today. It turns out that he believes that "the best times of his life are already over". So how could he be able to build something significant with me, today? I worry that one day he may, in fact commit suicide because "what is the point of living when the best times have already happened". Several of his friends have already done this. Sometimes, I wish he would just go ahead and get it over with. I never met anyone who would quantify his life in terms of the level of happiness he could enjoy and who was so sure that the better end of the spectrum was done. This type of thinking makes it impossible for me to enjoy MY life with him and I loathe being around him for this reason, because even though I have made it clear that when he has these thoughts he should keep them to himself because they are toxic to others, I still know that he has them, that these thoughts prevent him from giving 100% to what he is doing, and therefore become a drag on MY life. I just hate having him around me, it's like living with a zombie.
I'm knocking myself out to work hard and save $. I'm still very tired all the time but at least it's for the right reasons, hard work, rather than being an unpaid and unrecognized OCD counselor ON TOP of having to work.
My ex is still unable to pay rent. But right now he is at a one time job that is paying him well. He has also been put on lists for other stuff that will pay him fairly well. My hope for him is that he gets to where he can support himself and he also goes in for counseling for his OCD. But it's not my job to make him do it. My time is for me. Thankfully he is now to the point that he is seeking work outside of the business he was trying to launch.
Having him here is hard. There is at least one time per day where I have to go in my new, much larger room and close the door. I feel resentment that he is here and not paying as a normal tenant would. But this is a much smaller problem than in the past, when I was dating him and not understanding where my life went.
In this situation, I have to be firm and always keep my own best interests in mind. I have to not fall into the pattern of being his "mom" and driving him places, etc. We are closer to the train, a 10-15 minute walk away, so there is absolutely no reason he can't take the train EVERYWHERE he needs to go. He complains bitterly about the train and hates it - I took the train for 8 years before I started making enough money to maintain a car so I don't want to hear it. So far he has only PARTIALLY had to take the train for about 3 1/2 years in between receiving rides from me so it's nothing like what I had to go through. I have to be firm and not feel sorry for him because I as a woman took the train for YEARS and he is a man, it's easier for him. I am not his mom.
I'm really, really sad that it couldn't work out. He has terrible issues but he is a nice guy. This is a total shame. It's tragic for him, he will probably never fulfill his potential as a human being because he refuses help. I always have to tell myself every day that this is not my problem.
My emotional and inner life is reawakening because of the increased space I have created for myself in my life. My urge to create has come back and someone has presented themselves as a possible co-colaborator on a creative project. I am feeling more like myself than I have in years. I am also starting to navigate investments and property ownership hopefully starting next year. My real life is beginning, it had been unnaturally smothered out by this guy's horrible OCD.
I know I posted excessively on here, thanks for creating this group as a tool for people with this problem in their lives. And thanks for listening!
God bless you
Mary
I started getting really sick in the new apt. I began having heart palpitations and increased allergies which i couldn't understand where they were coming from. Eventually I stopped being able to eat, I lost over 10 lbs and my back gave out (old gymnastics injury that got reaggravated). All the wonderful creativity that was being reactivated stopped in it's tracks. I got worse and worse, went to the ER several times and received no help, they couldn't figure out what was wrong. I suspected the apt which was newly renovated with lots of pesticides, chemicals, etc. I had to flee the apt after I could no longer eat, my throat had mysteriously closed up - it turned out that I had a lot of new severe food allergies.
I lived at friends's houses and then a hotel. I had to dismantle the whole new apartment with my boyfriend's help. One thing I can say for him is that he did stick with the situation till the end instead of just abandoning it, he helped me when I was sick. My company came to a screeching halt and I had to seek medical attention right away.
My whole new apt was dismantled and all my things are now in storage in a friend's basement. I went to Doctor after Doctor and finally found the right doctor - it turns out that I had been exposed to Mold in one of my previous apts which had established itself in my gut, liver, lungs, sinus, etc. which I knew nothing about. I was ok in my previous apt, but when I moved to the next one (which i had such high hopes for) there was a big chemical load in there and my impaired liver couldn't process the chemicals out. I ended up "sensitive" to almost everything. I had to get on a wait list of 2 months to see a detox doctor and in the meantime had to be treated by a naturopath over the phone till I could get in to see her. Even top toxicologists could not tell me what to do in order to heal from what had happened to me.
I'm positive all the stress I was under with my boyfriend contributed to my breakdown. It was a TON of stress, and my system had already been compromised by the mold from my previous apt.
My boyfriend went back to his Mom's house and I moved in with a friend. I have my company up and running. I'm struggling to get well again. I developed a kind of asthma from the exposure and am now sensitive to my computer and cellphone because the sheathes around my nerves were damaged by the toxins the molds give off in my body. I have to buy special Electromagnetic Frequency shielding products to use my phone and computer or they give me heart palpitations and further degenerate my nerves and body. I know this sounds crazy but this is the situation right now. In addition I have to eat a special diet which starves out mold - no sugar or carbs. This is very very hard. I have to take digestive enzymes in order to withstand this diet. It's a steep learning curve and I have to spend hours each day reading about my body's systems and how I can get well again, and spend $ on a naturopath because she is not covered by insurance. I am slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, getting better again. I have to pay for a lot of tests.
I had this mold in my system and it was probably one of the reasons I was feeling "under the weather", other than my boyfriend's severe OCD. I guess I'm lucky I found out about it and had to deal with it directly instead of having it lurk in my system unknown and affect me for years. It's a tough situation to be in, I'm talking to people online and they say sometimes it takes years to feel better. My Naturopath things I will have a comparatively shorter recovery time compared to most people because I am not as bad as some of the people she's seen. It's still a terrible situation and has thrown me off of my life's path and terrified me.
I always wonder what would have happened to me if I had just cut my losses and asked my boyfriend to go back to his mom's as soon as he started showing signs of the terrible OCD he has. Maybe my body would have been able to clear the mold on it's own, with me none the wiser? Who really knows? Hindsight is the best sight. I do know now that as long as I can get healthy, the sky is the limit for me. The rules of health are hard in this situation but they are doable. I will continue on.
My things are still in storage and my credit is really bad due to hospital bills. But things are looking up. I am looking at property to buy, I have decided to just buy my property outright instead of applying for a bank loan, and that is fine with me - I would much rather own than deal with a mortgage.
I talk to my ex on the phone and on an instant messaging service all the time, just for some support. When he is far away from me, if he gets annoying I can simply hang up on him. One thing is for sure - I will NEVER live with this guy again. Even if he gets a job. Even if he gets counseling. NEVER. And he's not hurrying to get either of these things - he moved back to his mom's house and he has been there now for four months, and hasn't gone to one counseling session or worked a single hour of work. He has gone to a class in Graphic Design at a local college - that's it. His mother has threatened to make him volunteer if he can't find paid work. But so far she hasn't followed through on the threat. Basically, he gets to just hang around the house and look after her dogs and work in her yard. Wow. No wonder he didn't want to get a job. He is willing to forgo a relationship with me so that he can have this idyllic lifestyle. Ok.
I have to get my credit and my belongings back together, I don't want to sign another lease so I"m living with a friend and at my office while I save money to by property. I might as well - I have no pets or kids so why should I sign another expensive NY lease?
I will never, never, NEVER fall into the trap of living with or dating someone with OCD. Never, never, never, NEVER again. The experience almost killed me. I almost had him out of my life, but my body couldn't take it. It collapsed. Everybody cannont withstand that type of stress. I look and feel so much better than when he was with me, even still with problems from the mold exposure. At least I can take it easy and read a book or take a night off to rest without having anyone in my space constantly unhappy, constantly upset, constantly drinking, etc. NO. My space is for me. It's going to be very hard to let ANYONE in again after this.
It's 2 years after that fateful July 4th I wrote about in the beginning of this thread. That was the time when I decided I had to leave my OCD boyfriend.
I'm in a roommate situation in my old neighborhood where I lived with him. I'm much better now. I have heightened allergies but that is all. I'm able to run, work out, and I just went back to personal training. I'm overweight but getting back down. I ate a TON this winter after my body healed and I could eat whatever I wanted to without any "reactions". Thankfully I found a great personal training studio that isn't that expensive and I'm seeing great results.
It was really bizarre the way my body just "went down" after I moved into that new apt with my ex. My Naturopath is sure that this is due to living in a moldy apt for 4 years and having an impaired liver function due to that. That, plus ALL THE STRESS from my ex's OCD was too much for me to take.
My credit that I had painstakingly built up is completely down from 8 ER visits and numerous doctor's visits, I had been trying to squeak by with no health insurance since I owned my own business and this is the result. I lost my two credit cards and have hospital and doctor bills on my credit, so I have to try to figure out some way to get those off there. I think there is a way to get the medical bills off my credit. I need to find out about it.
Luckily, I am healthy now and able to work. Work is hard and not as lucrative due to the Recession but it is still kind of OK.
I was able to keep my car because I owned it outright before all this stuff happened so that is a blessing. I was able to find a good place to rent in which I get my own room and use of the kitchen with all utilities included, but it's sad because I have to get "permission" to bring any friends over to visit and the landlord charges me to allow anyone to stay here overnight. That's lonely. I've got to find a new place to live due to that, it's crazy. But for now, it's working. It's actually good in a way because it prevents anyone else from moving in with me - I realized that I have a problem with allowing people to live off of me, so this keeps boundaries and allows me to just focus on ME. The recession has hit hard and there are a few people who were asking me if they could stay with me, but due to living here I had to say no. That is a good thing for me. I don't need to be supporting anyone else, especially after what happened to me.
I'm struggling to just work and completely find my health again - I have heightened allergies but my naturopath says they will go back down again over the years.
It's tough to get back into things when you have been "out of it". This is a high, high price to pay…for supporting someone else. Some people simply cannot handle that much stress. I had a very hard upbringing with crazy parents and cannot handle ANY MORE CRAZINESS. From now on my life will be easy, even if that means not being in a relationship. Love should be easy. If the person really loves you, they will make your life easier not harder.
My ex has been living with his mom for a year now. No job. No income. He trims some hedges, cooks and walks her dogs. Must be nice. She has a pool, lives next to a golf course, has two cars….he is online all day every day just chatting. No skin off his back. I'm the one living in a roommate situation, this is after having my own apt for 10 years. Thrown back into sharing. I have to say, though, that I chose this situation because I'm not sure what direction I'd like to go right now. I probably could have had my own apt again by now if I really wanted it, even with bad credit. I've watched a couple different friends do it. I am trying to decide if I should stay in NYC or get a house in a cheaper area in another state and then commute here to work. I'm going towards staying in NYC because I just found new business and creative opportunities here, I found a personal training studio that I really like, and I made some new good friends.
For a while I was obsessed with buying land and buying a cabin or cottage to have in case of emergencies, so that I would always have a place to go no matter what. That's because when I was sick I had to stay with friends and that experience was very very hard after having had my own place for 10 years. I think I may still do that….when I have the money. Never underestimate the value of owning your own property in an emergency. There are a lot of places that have been hit by the subprime bubble, so land and properties are cheaper than ever before. It's a good opportunity. Owning my car outright really saved me a lot of heartache - even when I was staying with friends in an uncomfortable situation, I was able to get in my car and "get away", go someplace peaceful and just meditate or surf the web on my phone, and be safe and sheltered from the elements. If I hadn't owned the car my life would have been a LOT worse during my period of sickness. Own things outright, people - it's the only form of security we really have.
So that's it! I'm healthy and well again, my ex is living with his mom, but I'm now working my way out from under a TON of bills, and I'm so upset when I think about how far along I could be right now if it wasn't for breaking down. I had started saving money for a downpayment on a home and my credit rating was high. But health is the MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN HAVE. That's the lesson I really learned. Don't compromise your health to please anyone else, EVER, even if this means being alone. Being alone is FAR preferable to having someone negatively impacting your health and life. The minute someone starts dragging at your energy, tell him goodbye. Don't be quick to move in with anyone either, that is a special situation that deserves caution to the utmost. I'm so grateful that my nights are peaceful and devoted to doing things I like to do or healing thoughts and research, my days are filled with work and friends and good feelings, and I am free to just jump in my car and go wherever I want to if time and finances allows it. I've got my "special glow" back. That is priceless.