Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
There are nearly an infinite number of ways that the concept of divorce has ripped our nation apart. It has taught children that social bonds (including those of the family) are no longer secure or permanent. It has taught many people that it is perfectly okay to take advantage of and mistreat the person who was once their life partner. It has ruined lives, ruined families, ruined organizations and ruined entire communities. Divorce says one thing (and it screams it out, loud and clear,) that the concept of marriage is temporary and that its very existence is dependent upon certain conditions. Marriage (like great many other things) has become hopelessly disposable. It is worth mentioning that much of what we once recognized as permanent has become cheap and disposable. This philosophy respects no object, no place, no living creature and it simultaneously applies to every human being on this planet. It is not surprising then that the very bonds that hold our societies together are falling apart. How can a nation or a people expect to thrive, when the basic unit of society has become fragmented and dysfunctional? I realize that people will offer up any number of logical excuses as to why they must be allowed to divorce and split up their family. People always make excuses for the actions that they know are clearly wrong. They seek to explain away their guilt in ruining their own families, their partner's life as well as their own. There is no appropriate excuse. There is no correct explanation. Divorce is always wrong. What is correct (you may ask?) The correct thing is to honor the vows you took, to choose to honor your commitment to your spouse. How long must you honor this commitment? Until you are dead, or until your spouse is dead. It's that simple people. The phrase "until death do us part" is not a mere suggestion, just as a Stop sign is not a suggestion. When you fail to stop at an intersection you may cause great harm to someone else, to yourself or to both. When you dissolve a marriage you WILL cause harm to yourself, your spouse, your children and everyone else in your family. Divorce also causes much of the financial ruin in this country. Houses get foreclosed on, cars repossessed and valuables sold and or stolen. Spiritually, divorce can shake one's faith to the absolute core. Emotionally divorce can only be compared to a slow-motion train wreck that obliterates everything in its path.
I realize some people may disagree with me. I am an American citizen, I support your right to disagree with my opinions. But here's the thing you need to remember, you can't disagree with the facts.
Divorce is death, choose love, choose life, choose honor.
Z.
I realize some people may disagree with me. I am an American citizen, I support your right to disagree with my opinions. But here's the thing you need to remember, you can't disagree with the facts.
Divorce is death, choose love, choose life, choose honor.
Z.
I don't need your respect. Must be nice to sit in judgment of everyone. I always thought that was God's job.
I didn't believe in divorce, either, but when I discovered there were THREE people in my marriage, that was ONE TOO MANY for me. Even so, I didn't enter into divorce lightly -- it took me 9 months to accept the fact that no matter WHAT I did or how hard I prayed, there was NO WAY my husband was going to change his mind, leave the Other Woman and come back and be a good husband to me.
Throughout that entire agonizing 9 months, I was in therapy and uncovered a whole lot of other buried truths in my marriage. When I realized that I would be crazy to WANT to stay married to a man who obviously had NO RESPECT for me as a person, much less as his wife, I was more than ready to call it quits.
I got my self-esteem and self-respect back. I got a chance to live my life as everyone should -- in peace and without walking on eggshells.
Phoenix you can do as you wish, and you can ALWAYS entertain the idea of remarriage after divorce, but it certainly isn't an option for me (or most of the respondents here). I learned that when someone shows you who they really are THE FIRST TIME, you should BELIEVE THEM.
READ THIS: I did not quit my marriage, my husband did and I resent you applying that I am a QUITTER.
IMHO (based on my training), anger & judgment are, for most people, protection devices that are created when we are traumatized. There are many types of trauma and what traumatizes one doesn't necessarily traumatize another. Regardless of the trauma(s), we are all affected similarly when it comes to how we see ourselves and the world. And many of us use judgment and/or anger as a way to feel more powerful and less hurt. These are preferred feeling(s) over hurt, fear, loneliness, sadness, etc. at least in part because it feels safer than feeling our real feelings. But it doesn't heal.
Jung calls it the shadow. The shadow theory, in part, says that we are all mirrors for each other. If we find something about another person that annoys or upsets us, or we just plain don't like, it usually means there is a part of us that is being mirrored back to us. Maybe not in the exact same way, but it's always pretty darn close. So, when we condemn something, we can also be condemning a part of ourselves, whether we realize it or not. And ultimately that just intensifies the pain, fear and/or sadness instead of making us feel better.
We all develop ways to cope and survive our traumas. Most of the time, those survival/coping skills aren't very healthy. And while they helped at the time, we dont realize that we end up adopting those coping skills for the rest of our lives. Thats when they become harmful to us and others at least until we decide to change them in order to get healthy.
It appears your life has been filled with trauma and for that I am very sorry. The only way to heal is to get under the anger and judgment to the hurt, fear & sadness.
The only way to heal is to do so from the inside out.
For most people, the only way that happens is by going to therapy. Unfortunately, it won't happen by trying to make rules and/or judgments about how the world should be.
I hope you are able to find a therapist who not only understands the dynamics of abuse, but is also specially trained in facilitating the healing of the trauma(s) that came from the abuse.
I tried to make my marriage work for 8 very long years 3 of which involved a child. My ex husband is a very selfish man who sold his rights to his child for possessions, such as our house (which was my childhood home) and not having to pay child support. You can't fix stupid, but you can learn from it and live a happier life without it.
The people in this support group are trying to learn and grow from these heartaches, not be defeated by them. So, while everyone is entitled to their opinion, yours isn't going to fix/help anything and you need to find a better place to voice it.
Why am I here? I too am trying to deal with and survive a divorce. If you are insulted or offended, this was not my intention. I am merely voicing my own views on this subject. I know that I am free to do so. I have reached my controversial opinions based on the harsh, concrete realities which I have both observed and experienced. I maintain, if you choose to end your marriage, this is your choice to make. Many people today lack the ability to critically examine their own behavior (especially when it relates to divorce.) From the very beginning, marriage was intended to be permanent and unconditional. The vows as well as the sacred spiritual ceremony performed both echo this same view which I have expressed. A more appropriate term for today's current view of marriage would be "intimate legal partner." Marriage implies a much deeper level of commitment. I cannot judge you. I wont. But I can voice my opinion. If you dont like what I have to say, then ignore me. We should be strong enough and wise enough to live our lives with conviction and courage. That is what I am trying to do here. I share what I believe, I live what I believe.
It's actually the notion that people should stay married that fuels the reconciliation industrial complex and heaps further abuse on betrayed spouses; like the abuse of infidelity isn't enough.
When someone cheats on their spouse, they make unilateral decisions about the family finances, the health of their spouse (most cheat without using protection and continue to have unprotected sex as well. Men have to paternity check their children to be sure that they are actually theirs; women give birth shedding herpes.
I'm not going to even dignify this post with an argument because there is no argument to stay with a spouse in some circumstances.
I find it strange that you would post this in a group for people who most likely didn't think at the time they got married "Gee, I hope this ends with lawyers and a courtroom" (but I could be wrong on that count).
This was a silly post in a silly place.
For the record, I did choose life (my life was in danger, my children's lives were in danger)
I chose love (the love of my children)
I chose honour (the honour a mother has towards the protection of her children).
I think the reason you posted this entry was to stir up trouble because you have nothing more interesting in your life to invest into. So sad that people do such pathetic things like that. You want to put someone down for their actions? Put yourself down for posting this really stupid post.
If I could of saved my marriage, I would have. I gave it my very best shot and she gave it hers to end it. She won. It was not a fault I will bounce back between her and I. It is what it is and I am in the aftermath of it.
1.) I do not believe/ condone in committing adultery.
2.) I do not believe/ condone in committing divorce.
3.) I do not believe/ condone in committing murder.
4.) I do not believe/ condone in committing abortion (also murder.)
5.) I do not believe/ condone in committing suicide.
6.) I do not believe/ condone in committing theft.
7.) I do not believe/ condone in committing violence against another human being.
You may not agree with my beliefs, I may not agree with yours. But here is the SUPER important part to remember: We, as free people, have the right to express our opinions. Believe it or not, I will fight for your right to disagree with me. You are a sovereign human being. You have a mind that is likely just as capable as my own (if not more so) to generate and express opinions based on your life experiences. This is the crowning achievement of civility, that we might learn to live in peace and harmony together. Each has their right to speak up and be heard.
In my opinion, divorce is NOT the only answer to infidelity, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual or financial abuse of any spouse. There is a higher road that is seldom traveled. That higher (much more difficult) road is what God calls love. (Remember, I never said that anyone should stay in abuse or allow others to be abused. Leaving, possibly temporarily does not = divorce.) Look at how God defines love and much of my original post becomes more clear.
1st Cor. 13:4-8
"4)Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5)It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6)Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.7)It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8)Love never fails..." [NIV]
You may not be a Christian, you may not even believe in God. It doesnt matter what your beliefs are, when it comes to cold hard facts. Divorce is literally ripping our nation apart, one spouse at a time, one family at a time. Think about this.. When a divorce occurs, it triggers a chain reaction that destabilizes first the individual, then the spouse, then their children, then their extended family and friends, then their church (and other small social groups,) then their community, then their city, county, state and nation. Ultimately, that one divorce affects the entire world. Its consequences are both far reaching and long lasting. Who can predict the butterfly effect? Can you trace out all the consequences of any action? I sure can't. But, I don't have to do this to know that the end result of the death of a marriage affects the whole planet in a negative way. When we spread love, forgiveness and compassion, we help to heal the world around us. When we spread distrust, disharmony and bitterness, we are part of the world's problem. Divorce promotes the idea that devotion and commitment are not permanent, that people and relationships are totally disposable. Divorce is death divorce justifies itself with pride and hatred, its fruits are as follows: needless suffering, corruption, abandonment and grief of the innocent, promotion of mutual hate, encouragement of worthlessness, increase of helplessness and hopelessness, loss of love, loss of affection, loss of intimacy, loss of civility and humanity. I urge you, please understand that divorce is the single greatest problem in our world today!
Marriage is like child birth. It is incredibly difficult and often extremely painful. But as many new moms will be glad to tell you, it is SO TOTALLY worth it! We do not struggle alone in marriage, we are together side by side and with the two, an unseen third (God.) He cares about intimate loving relationships and wants them to bring pleasure, joy, strength, light and love (both to the couple and the world around them.) He cares about that couple's commitment to Him. He cares about the children most of all. He is a God of amazing love and grace. He asks us to forgive our trespassers when they repent and (change of heart, change of actions) He will forgive ours, when we repent to Him. God hates divorce. God loves marriage. Should not our view of marriage reflect the highest and greatest standards possible? If so, then we must seek to follow God's standards. Nothing else even comes close to them, they are perfect and they really do WORK!
I'm going to assume you are basing your beliefs on what the Bible has to say about divorce. You are mistaken however when you state, "Divorce is always wrong." The New Testament allows divorce under two scenarios. One if there is adultery involved, another if a non-believer divorces a believer, then the believer isn't held accountable. Other than that, much of what you state is true, biblically.
You've received from fairly harsh responses to your post which I don't find to be quite fair. It is us people that have changed the rules, God hasn't changed His. So many have commented on abuse as a justifiable factor, well, yeah it would sure seem so, but not according to God. This is how firm God is on marriage, period. So how can this be? I have to wonder myself. While there are alternatives to divorce to escape the abuse, they aren't very good ones. I just have to wonder if no fault divorce had not become law if these alternatives would not have improved drastically since the mid 60's. Where there is a need someone comes up with the solution. No fault divorce eliminated the need to create facilities and/or methods to deal with marriages that weren't working or were dangerous to be in. There could possibly be a very good system set up today that doesn't go against God's law to address these situations but we the people decided civil divorce equaled God's divorce, (which whether we like it or not, it doesn't).
Then comes the question, If the divorce happened before any adultery took place, but adultery happened after the civil divorce, then does the civil divorce become an acceptable divorce in God's eyes? There isn't anything clear cut about this. I can only assume that in God's eyes the civil divorce was a non-event. The two are really still married in God's eyes. Therefore, sex with another after civil divorce, is STILL sex with another while in God's eyes the REAL marriage is still intact, so NOW the divorce is truly finalized as far as scriptures go, I think. Quite confusing.
Then we get into re-marriage and what the Bible has to say. It really gets confusing now. I'm not even going to address that.
In all fairness, I can understand why so many jumped on what you had to say, but in all fairness they need to jump on God, not you. God is the very strict one here, we are the lenient.
wrong country,
Where you state, "Divorce is not Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. It's a legal means to an end to a legal contract between two people. No one is forcing you to do it and just as no one forced me to either."
It really isn't that simple, if you believe in God. If you don't, then it is. As I mentioned earlier, a man-made civil divorce is NOT a divorce in God's eyes. Furthermore, yes I WAS forced to have a divorce, I had no choice in the matter. In fact, the courts did WAY more to facilitate the divorce than anything. I had absolutely NO legal action I could take that could benefit me or fulfill my wishes. I wasn't just up against my ex, I was up against the LEGAL system. Prior to the mid 60's the courts did all they could to SAVE a marriage before they would issue a divorce decree. It's the opposite now, almost as if they enjoy it.
I said it before, I will say it again. Divorce is the single greatest evil in the world today. It opens the gateway to hell (wide open) as it promises to bring a new and happy beginning. Divorce kills families, ruins children and causes the large-scale breakdown of our society today.
I have never met another person who did not condone divorce for ant reason. I know you are out there... if this is what you believe, please feel free to join our conversation.