Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
Has your significant other ever implied that one day they expect you to allow them to sleep with someone else?
My husband seems to think this is a perfectly reasonable reward for being faithful to me our entire marriage/time together.
Some factors to keep in mind are that this mainly comes up when he has been drinking and then, of course, my reservations against it are greatly based on my extreme jealousy issues. They've lightened up since we first got together, but I have to be honest and say that whenever this comes up, I can't help but have these strong feelings of hurt flood back. Hurt that doesn't even exist until it's been thought of.
The biggest obstacle is, I would rather be the type of person who is into this sort of thing, I would like nothing more than to be comfortable with the idea, excited by it, turned on....but all I can feel is pain of some sort of unspoken rejection, feeling of inadequacy. I wish I could say, "yes honey, you're right, you deserve this...so do I".
And that's the other thing, he wants me to be able to participate too, it's for "both" of us. If I were to find someone I am attracted to and would like to be intimate with, that's fine with him. My initial thoughts are, " I don't want/need this" and it makes me ask the question "why does he want/need this so much?"
He says he wouldn't expect anything like this for years to come. Like when we're older and the kids are out of the house. He's convinced I will be into the notion by then. Who knows, maybe.
Lastly, he expects this to be with people we know. He already has friends on MINE PICKED OUT. I told him I would honestly feel more comfortable with strangers than with friends/acquaintances. There wouldn't be those familiarities or awkwardness afterwards. And in my mind it feels like the possibilities of getting too close with the other person is too strong when you know them.
I don't know....I wish I wouldn't let it bother me so much, it's a hypothetical situation, but I am prone to overthinking things. And my low self esteem doesn't help either.
Just thought I would out it out there and see if anyone else has felt this way...thank you.
My husband seems to think this is a perfectly reasonable reward for being faithful to me our entire marriage/time together.
Some factors to keep in mind are that this mainly comes up when he has been drinking and then, of course, my reservations against it are greatly based on my extreme jealousy issues. They've lightened up since we first got together, but I have to be honest and say that whenever this comes up, I can't help but have these strong feelings of hurt flood back. Hurt that doesn't even exist until it's been thought of.
The biggest obstacle is, I would rather be the type of person who is into this sort of thing, I would like nothing more than to be comfortable with the idea, excited by it, turned on....but all I can feel is pain of some sort of unspoken rejection, feeling of inadequacy. I wish I could say, "yes honey, you're right, you deserve this...so do I".
And that's the other thing, he wants me to be able to participate too, it's for "both" of us. If I were to find someone I am attracted to and would like to be intimate with, that's fine with him. My initial thoughts are, " I don't want/need this" and it makes me ask the question "why does he want/need this so much?"
He says he wouldn't expect anything like this for years to come. Like when we're older and the kids are out of the house. He's convinced I will be into the notion by then. Who knows, maybe.
Lastly, he expects this to be with people we know. He already has friends on MINE PICKED OUT. I told him I would honestly feel more comfortable with strangers than with friends/acquaintances. There wouldn't be those familiarities or awkwardness afterwards. And in my mind it feels like the possibilities of getting too close with the other person is too strong when you know them.
I don't know....I wish I wouldn't let it bother me so much, it's a hypothetical situation, but I am prone to overthinking things. And my low self esteem doesn't help either.
Just thought I would out it out there and see if anyone else has felt this way...thank you.
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89FToday it is again another hot day but cooler then yesterday. Since this is August it is to be expected in my neck of the woods. All the grass is yellow and flowers are starting to go to seed. I need to water my garden but this time of the year I'm so over it, which is weird because all my plants have their fruit or veggies.Sandra, this time of year reminds me of your Dad and his toms. We'd...
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If else, you are totally OK for feeling your feelings.
Something like this would/should be unmentionable
even with years down the lane
That might be your value-system
He has a different value system
It does not mean you have to 'agree' to his
I guess somehow you believe that its 'cool' or 'you must be cool to go with it'
some of these fads may be immature playing with sexula energy, which is powerful and done in the context of love
there is a reason one gets married na dcommits
Unfortunately one marries people ho don't follwo the same value and principles
To ask you or even to convince you of 'bending; your vakues or hoping they would dilute over time is a big red flag
eventually at the end of the day, one must feel safe 'spiritualy safe with ones partner, knowing one's fundamental morals and core vaue are not just chalenegd but out in jeopardy
Whatever hs views might be, you may want to nip it in the bud from your end and state that NOthing of the sort is EVER going to happen with you.
If he is really doing powerplays like many oartners try to, he may amp it up, call you 'prude' or hurt your feelings and stuff. shows he is bullying you through emotional abuse.
Else he really wnats it and will wlak out. Which is good riddance.
Actually request for 'unnatural sex' is sufficient grounds for a divorce.
Its a partnership not a bondage and he must not ask you to do things (EVEN IN THE FUTURE which is that hurtful to you emotionally or otherwise)
I don't think this is a case of extreme jealousy.
I think you have a normal healthy jealousy and getting bullied subtly/overtly/covetrly.
One can also feel rejected if one rejects oneself, in this case rejecting who you are fundementally...with yoru values.
Even with the highest amount of love, maybe whats suggested is TOO out of the question for you (not what you THINK you should feel, but what you Actually prefer).
Its oK to be who we are, to want a single monogamous mat, to reserve marriage for love, to honour it.
Each to themselves. But one to bully.
This is my take.
I'm so sorry you ahve to go through this.
I'm not telling you go out and divorce this man...but I honestly don't think he really loves you(sorry for saying that).Any man that wants to exploit his wife DOES NOT DESERVE HER,and is a pig in my opinion.
Why would you even want to be cool about that?
The reason he wants you to have a go is to take some guilt from him, a kind of... well, she's licked the lolly pop and so have i.
2 wrongs do not make a right.
Marriage is a union between 2 pple and if thats not how he views marriage, then he shouldn't have married.
Stop trying to be the perfect cool wife you think he wants and be ok and have peace with your own thoughts and boundaries.
I've read the other comments and I have to say, from what I know about you in the past, he's not being serious. He's testing you with a completely hypothetical situation and he is just joking around. I know it isn't a joke to you, and it wouldn't be to me either, but take what he says with a grain of salt. He loves you, he is with you. Men say stupid shit sometimes...and that's all it is. They don't think like us, and they don't understand how their stupidness affects us. Men are so simple and sometimes we don't see it. Yes, it would probably be every man's fantasy to have a second woman in the mix...what man wouldn't want that?? But that's all it is, a fantasy. He would never do it.
Have you considered watching porn with him and re-enacting some things you watch? I know the p-word is a touchy subject in this group, and believe me, it used to be super touchy with me too (and anyone who remembers me on here can attest to that) but sometimes it can be used as a tool to spice things up. He'll be totally blown away by your openness, and you are still keeping your sex life between the two of you.
Realistically, bringing someone else into your relationship is absurd, but speaking from a fantasy standpoint, it's what every man dreams of. But its only a fantasy - we have them too. It isn't real, so come up with ways to get him lusting after you again. Shake things up. Fake it till you feel it.
Just my thoughts. Thinking of you...I know everything will work out just fine.
Lk! I'm glad you're back! I need to be more consistent on here, but I just saw your response today .....thank you for your input and in retrospect, I'm sure you're correct. He is a classic button-pusher, and amazingly enough I'm still falling for it.
I need to do an updated journal entry, but in short I truly feel improvement in many of my mental capacities. That said, I clearly have a lot of work ahead of me, but I have noticeable change.
Hope to keep in touch and would like to check out your blog :)
I have asked my fianc this same question? But the reason I ask (coming from a woman's point of view is)because I want to know if I am truly the only woman he wants? To my ego, he says "I've done this already, and it's not all that", so my answer is no. It makes me feel good because I have a man that doesn't want to do that. HE is totally 100% committed to me and this relationship, thank God for that.
However, I don't think you should feel bad about yourself because he is expressing this to you, in my own crazy brain I think, you should be flattered that someone would feel this comfortable with you to suggest it. No, you don't want it, but how do you go about telling him this, that you are 100% committed to him and that the two of you together pursuing a monogamous relationship, should be a goal that the two of you work on together.
Obviously, he has some sort of fantasy he wants to live out and he wants to do it with you. However I know how devastating it must feel to you for him to even fathom being with another woman, but think of it this way, what man hasn't thought of that except God himself? Men are extreme sexual creatures, my gosh I think they would do it with a whole in the ground it they could, their horndogs.
I know this doesn't help, but think about it, if statistics say that men think about sex 66 times a day or whatever the statistic is then, it's not surprising that they would want it constantly.
That being said, communicate with him. Sex is a wonderful expression of our love toward one another, after that it is not an expression of love, it is just plain torrid, sexual arousal and that's it.
I don't believe there is love in the middle of swinging or 3somes, it's just pure sexual magnetism. Raw and evil as it may be that's all it is.
The bible was full of sexual orgies, so it's been around for years, it's not going away.
Talk to your mate, get to the bottom of it and you will probably need some counseling together, vows of marriage are to be taken seriously, you can't play with other people and not expect someone to get hurt.
If this is the kind of marriage he wanted he shouldn't have married you, he should have just stayed single and that's what you need to figure out in counseling.
I'm sorry if this hurt you. I really feel for your situation, I wish I could give you more practical advice, I know it must feel very painful, but like I said, he is reaching out to you in an odd sort of way. Atleast he hasn't done it behind your back anyway, and hired prostitutes or whatever to make his fantasy come true.
I believe you guys can work it out. It's so easy now with the internet, and woman bouncing around half naked and it seems it's ok to society, that this kind of shit, will probably never go away. So much for modesty in this world today. Take care.