Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
well things were going pretty well and I was having a few jealous free days. Had a great day yesterday and able to focus at work. By the time I got home and was tired and hubby mentioned in passing about something we would do when his parents get here..he had mentioned something similar in a store the other day on a weekend. I enquired if there was a serious plan of them visiting us. We just saw them in july and i didn't want them now...just getting settled with some new changes.
unfortunately the conversation became a fight. now we are getting back on track.
the reason i post it here is apart from my need for privacy and space i have had jealousy around his mom...she seems too close to him...he has to call her almost everyday and i didnt want to see her and have to deal with triggers at my place now. he used o call during our time together by excusing himself around dinner. we made agreements and his calls to her are not in my vicinity. fixed something for a while. i don't control him. i dont need to be triggered by him 'symbolically' rejecting me for her by excusing himself at our time together. still i am a little uncomfortable..a case of possessiveness.
now i didn't want her here so soon and take a greater precedence in our place. she is also a little mean and supercritical and condescending that makes me feel less than an equal in the house. in the culture i came from mother-n-laws are monster-in-laws and there may be fear of that. she isn't really that bad.
yet somehow its as if i am not more important than her or she is more important than me and my hubby does not love me anymore because he is so enmeshed with his mom! (well that should be his bad not mine!!)
i have lived very private for most of my life and simply having an intrusion into my space, especially something that was planned without checking with me (having no sens of control) and no being informed (feeling disrespected) mentioning things in passing (as if i don't exist) added to the fact that the surprise would be his mom visiting us didn't go well.
i made agreements to pace their visit 3 months apart or he can go visit them.
i don't think i would feel very comfortable them interacting and me feeling less than or left out. yet its my doing. i am not defined by his love and respect. i do want it and will fight to be treated with respect and consideration both by him (by checking with me about changes at home, keeping me in the loop and informing me properly) or her (by not accepting her condescension...)
yet i just wished things stayed as they re an i could go home without their visits. maybe that part of being married living with someone. my friends dont drop in. i see them outside and i like to have private space at home turf. my family issues imply they are not welcome at my home and i have the need to keep my adult home safe from my childhood family visiting just for a psychological space that i have indeed moved out of the old hell and created a new safe haven where thy cannot intrude.
wonder how i can still feel respected and loved and important even if there is perceived threat by someone (his mom).
how to love without seeking validation or fearing invalidation from the relationship.
unfortunately the conversation became a fight. now we are getting back on track.
the reason i post it here is apart from my need for privacy and space i have had jealousy around his mom...she seems too close to him...he has to call her almost everyday and i didnt want to see her and have to deal with triggers at my place now. he used o call during our time together by excusing himself around dinner. we made agreements and his calls to her are not in my vicinity. fixed something for a while. i don't control him. i dont need to be triggered by him 'symbolically' rejecting me for her by excusing himself at our time together. still i am a little uncomfortable..a case of possessiveness.
now i didn't want her here so soon and take a greater precedence in our place. she is also a little mean and supercritical and condescending that makes me feel less than an equal in the house. in the culture i came from mother-n-laws are monster-in-laws and there may be fear of that. she isn't really that bad.
yet somehow its as if i am not more important than her or she is more important than me and my hubby does not love me anymore because he is so enmeshed with his mom! (well that should be his bad not mine!!)
i have lived very private for most of my life and simply having an intrusion into my space, especially something that was planned without checking with me (having no sens of control) and no being informed (feeling disrespected) mentioning things in passing (as if i don't exist) added to the fact that the surprise would be his mom visiting us didn't go well.
i made agreements to pace their visit 3 months apart or he can go visit them.
i don't think i would feel very comfortable them interacting and me feeling less than or left out. yet its my doing. i am not defined by his love and respect. i do want it and will fight to be treated with respect and consideration both by him (by checking with me about changes at home, keeping me in the loop and informing me properly) or her (by not accepting her condescension...)
yet i just wished things stayed as they re an i could go home without their visits. maybe that part of being married living with someone. my friends dont drop in. i see them outside and i like to have private space at home turf. my family issues imply they are not welcome at my home and i have the need to keep my adult home safe from my childhood family visiting just for a psychological space that i have indeed moved out of the old hell and created a new safe haven where thy cannot intrude.
wonder how i can still feel respected and loved and important even if there is perceived threat by someone (his mom).
how to love without seeking validation or fearing invalidation from the relationship.
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89FToday it is again another hot day but cooler then yesterday. Since this is August it is to be expected in my neck of the woods. All the grass is yellow and flowers are starting to go to seed. I need to water my garden but this time of the year I'm so over it, which is weird because all my plants have their fruit or veggies.Sandra, this time of year reminds me of your Dad and his toms. We'd...
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I don't think you should see it that his mother is more important than you, cant you be as equally as important in different ways?
Your one box and she's another, it takes a lot of different boxes to make up a "life" You can put the dog in the other box!
If this is both your home equally, then you both have a say and you need to have talks on the house rules and regulations, what you each expect and come to agreements.
From time to time you may need to re discuss as things change. Life and a relationships is work in progress.
I hate surprise visits, guests turning up out of the blue or uninvited, it throws me, yes its a control thing, but i'm learning we cant control every single thing in our life. If that meteor from outer space is going to hit, there's nothing i can do, right? All i can do is deal with it the best i can when it does happen.
None of these is relevant to my situation although my husband is also more dependent on his mother due to his personal reasons.
It was all OK until she made a visit and then I had a dream about their emotional connection which was too intense for me. The next day when she kissed goodbye and cried and kept saying 'call me' and giving kisses on our car as we were leaving for work (they were to leave after); it made me feel like she is controlling him and dependent on him and he may be enmeshed.
Well none of this is my business or in my control. Feeling like I cannot respect my man because he toes his mother's line went into the jealousy, partly fueled by the 'weaker' men in my life. My dad is a big time sissy passive aggressor and silent abuser and could never stand up for himself or be there as a strong supportive man and father. Maybe there is resentent to this. And I grew up with a Cinderella complex where I was kept isolated from being included in the family as some kind of an outcast, my wods, feelings and needs being given no consideration. I grew up feeling badly disrespected, shamed and hurt.
I guess I was afraid of someone taking away my respect, place, sense of dominion and control. The women in my life mom and sisters have all been overbearing dominating patronizing and controlling. I probably felt afraid of going back to losing to another female , like a position thing. I wanted to be the woman of the household and be respected. I guess I was afraid that my husband would be weak around his mother and she would call the order on things and I may end up losing him like my first boyfriend whose loyalty (and blindness) lay with his mother. I don't really know why she didn't want me in his life. It was between races. So she probably wanted to protect him from getting hurt and it hurt us anyways. My husband's mom was a little mean to me, not intentionally I guess; she just has a careless tongue and is more intellectual than empathic. So she said things that were a little mean. Maybe she was also a little nervous about this alliance. I felt that her family did not really approve of me because of my race etc.
Anyways they attended the wedding and then made up by saying they honoured our relationship. That was good to hear. I am still a little cautious. Also I probably envied him having a mother and family ties when mine are not the most loving bonds. I am trying o get away from my first family as fast as I can. So it maybe my grief and envy about something he seems to have and I missed. But its for no fault of mine and as you said; I am not to control another person. Its unhelpful. I am working on finding respect ad love within. I try to assert/affirm it that his feelings for people are independent and that I need not try to get my whole self-worth and validation from him. Nothing that happened really reflects on me at my core being. With the hoe-visit, it was both jealousy of his mom and fear f triggers as well as the fact that he did not bother o inform me. So I felt afraid of being 'ruled over', my opinions and needs not considered like in my first family and not being considered important enough to be informed of things. He probably is a type that is a bit inconsiderate around other people, especially emotionally, until it is brought to question. Nothing deliberate. He is a reticent type and tends to keep things o himself by default. Shares little etc. He is opening up. And I react to the past of feeling devalued/unvalued. So much of childhood seems to rule my life now. I got the book 'Homecoming' by John Bradshaw and working on inner-child issues.