Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
I'm 49, female, divorced, two teenage kids. Since one year I'm dating a younger man which is giving me the most passionate and exciting experience in my whole life. What at the beginning started as a fling without any expectations, soon developed to something deeper. We both fell in love with each other, but we both were scared of a real commitment. I didn't want to loose my heart so soon after my divorce and he was also brokenhearted and is fighting for his career, which demands almost everything from him.
When I started to talk about an exclusive relationship, he told me that he isn't ready for a committed and exclusive relationship at the moment, he is too busy with his career and can't afford to get bounded on a woman too strong. But he is in love with me and he likes me a lot, so he doesn't want to loose me. I wasn't able to break up and I said, as long he isn't cheating on me, everything is fine. I anyway don't want to re-marry. But I was started getting jealous on his many female friends and female collegues which he is meeting all the time. He said, if he would sleep with some other women it wouldn't have to do anything with me at all, so I shouldn't be worried about that. Easy said...
Now, after one year we look and act like a real love couple, his friends like me, my kids like him, he is supportive, caring, attentive, he is trying all the time to make me happy and he is spending his rare free time with me. He said, since ten years I'm the longest relationship he had and I'm more and more dear to him and I'm a very special woman in his life. He is showing me his affection all the time and I have a feeling I'm very loved and desired woman.
So recently I had the feeling we finally reached the stage of our relationship, when I can again ask him about the exclusivity.
His answer almost broke my heart, because he said he still isn't ready to commit completely to me, he has to keep his freedom at least in his mind. He then swore to me that during our time he never ever cheated on me and I'm the only woman in his life. But he can't me promise that if some special situation appears he won't sleep with some other woman. He can't promise me something which he can't keep absolutely and he doesn't want to lie to me. If this happens, it will be only his curiosity and his libido. He knows very well what he is having with me, so he for sure doesn't want to loose me, but still, he can't give me a guarantee that he won't sleep with other women some day. Till now he didn't, so he is not planing it, it only may happen.
When I said that it's very hard for me to live with this thought, that every day he may meet some interesting woman who will seduce him ( women are adoring him..) he almost had tears in his eyes. He said, if I dump him now, he will understand me, but it would be terrible for him. He also said, he feels like the biggest asshole because he can't give to me what I actually deserve, but he is just totally sincere to me.
This was last week and since then he is trying even harder to show me how much I mean to him and how he loves me.
But I feel jealous every single day when I don't see him, thinking that he is maybe with some other woman. My mind is just poisoned, I can't relax anymore and trust him. I know that he was sincere when he told me he was absolutely faithful to me till now, but he himself said that there is a chance that he would cheat on me some day.
And this sucks so very much! I can't stop thinking about it, I'm having suspicions every time he is online on Skype, or getting messages, or just not available on the telephone.
I know that this is a stupid behaviour, to suffer for something which isn't happen. During all those 12 months he was faithful, so actually everything is fine. But I can't have the trust that also in the future he will rather say no to temptations, because he is aware that he will loose me if he sleeps with other women. I told him, I will feel it, even if he won't tell me, we are just too close and to connected.
But I can't break up with him already now, when nothing happened yet, I love him too much and I'm enjoying the time with him.
If I could only get my jealousy under control. My best friend said to me, what's the problem, if he has some one night stand without any meaning and he comes back to me and loves me the same as before. She said, all men has the need for sex with other women, so I should not try force him to be faithful, this would only make him pull away or hook up with other women.
What do you think? Can anyone relate? I have good self esteem, I look much younger, I look great and sexy, so I know that I can get other men if I want. But at the moment I want only him and the thought he may make love to some other woman is breaking my heart. As long we are together, I don't want to share him with other women.
I asked even a therapist and she said :you can't own a person you love. Either you let go and trust that he is faithful, because he loves you and doesn't want to loose you either, or you should break up with him, if you can't accept his opinion. But don't start to make demands or control him or making scenes. This will turn him off completely.
Well, she wasn't really helpful..
When I started to talk about an exclusive relationship, he told me that he isn't ready for a committed and exclusive relationship at the moment, he is too busy with his career and can't afford to get bounded on a woman too strong. But he is in love with me and he likes me a lot, so he doesn't want to loose me. I wasn't able to break up and I said, as long he isn't cheating on me, everything is fine. I anyway don't want to re-marry. But I was started getting jealous on his many female friends and female collegues which he is meeting all the time. He said, if he would sleep with some other women it wouldn't have to do anything with me at all, so I shouldn't be worried about that. Easy said...
Now, after one year we look and act like a real love couple, his friends like me, my kids like him, he is supportive, caring, attentive, he is trying all the time to make me happy and he is spending his rare free time with me. He said, since ten years I'm the longest relationship he had and I'm more and more dear to him and I'm a very special woman in his life. He is showing me his affection all the time and I have a feeling I'm very loved and desired woman.
So recently I had the feeling we finally reached the stage of our relationship, when I can again ask him about the exclusivity.
His answer almost broke my heart, because he said he still isn't ready to commit completely to me, he has to keep his freedom at least in his mind. He then swore to me that during our time he never ever cheated on me and I'm the only woman in his life. But he can't me promise that if some special situation appears he won't sleep with some other woman. He can't promise me something which he can't keep absolutely and he doesn't want to lie to me. If this happens, it will be only his curiosity and his libido. He knows very well what he is having with me, so he for sure doesn't want to loose me, but still, he can't give me a guarantee that he won't sleep with other women some day. Till now he didn't, so he is not planing it, it only may happen.
When I said that it's very hard for me to live with this thought, that every day he may meet some interesting woman who will seduce him ( women are adoring him..) he almost had tears in his eyes. He said, if I dump him now, he will understand me, but it would be terrible for him. He also said, he feels like the biggest asshole because he can't give to me what I actually deserve, but he is just totally sincere to me.
This was last week and since then he is trying even harder to show me how much I mean to him and how he loves me.
But I feel jealous every single day when I don't see him, thinking that he is maybe with some other woman. My mind is just poisoned, I can't relax anymore and trust him. I know that he was sincere when he told me he was absolutely faithful to me till now, but he himself said that there is a chance that he would cheat on me some day.
And this sucks so very much! I can't stop thinking about it, I'm having suspicions every time he is online on Skype, or getting messages, or just not available on the telephone.
I know that this is a stupid behaviour, to suffer for something which isn't happen. During all those 12 months he was faithful, so actually everything is fine. But I can't have the trust that also in the future he will rather say no to temptations, because he is aware that he will loose me if he sleeps with other women. I told him, I will feel it, even if he won't tell me, we are just too close and to connected.
But I can't break up with him already now, when nothing happened yet, I love him too much and I'm enjoying the time with him.
If I could only get my jealousy under control. My best friend said to me, what's the problem, if he has some one night stand without any meaning and he comes back to me and loves me the same as before. She said, all men has the need for sex with other women, so I should not try force him to be faithful, this would only make him pull away or hook up with other women.
What do you think? Can anyone relate? I have good self esteem, I look much younger, I look great and sexy, so I know that I can get other men if I want. But at the moment I want only him and the thought he may make love to some other woman is breaking my heart. As long we are together, I don't want to share him with other women.
I asked even a therapist and she said :you can't own a person you love. Either you let go and trust that he is faithful, because he loves you and doesn't want to loose you either, or you should break up with him, if you can't accept his opinion. But don't start to make demands or control him or making scenes. This will turn him off completely.
Well, she wasn't really helpful..
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89FToday it is again another hot day but cooler then yesterday. Since this is August it is to be expected in my neck of the woods. All the grass is yellow and flowers are starting to go to seed. I need to water my garden but this time of the year I'm so over it, which is weird because all my plants have their fruit or veggies.Sandra, this time of year reminds me of your Dad and his toms. We'd...
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1. He's got the best deal here... A relationship with someone who adores and loves him, but no commitment on his part. He cant promise he wont sleep with someone else, tho he hasn't so far.
Well.. no wonder you are insecure, he's got you hanging on a piece of string.
2. Being married doesn't guarantee you wont get cheated on. Its true, you cant own a person you love, you cant control them. But at least with marriage or some kind of commitment you both know where each other stands.
And the point is you dont, not totally....
I dont agree with what your friend said, i know men who are faithful and i know men who have cheated. It just depends on the man.
Ive had jealousy real bad in the past and ive demanded a lot, but its not him running for the hills, again, depends on the man.
I could not handle the stress you are in and would break it off with him because I would be sure at every moment he was wishing he could be with another women. 0
There are so many men who are telling their women every day how much they love them, but they are lying and cheating behind their backs. My boyfriends guilt and mistake is, that he doesn't want to promise me his faithfulness, but he IS faithful now. It's my thoughts which are actually torturing me, not his behaviour.
I visited another therapist, an old gentleman and he told me after what he heard about my boyfriend, that he is actually an ideal man for me, the only problem is his opinion about sexual faithfulness. He thinks, if he sleeps with other woman this won't change his feelings for me at all. There are plenty of men who are separating their libido from their feelings very well.
The therapist also said in every relationship we have to accept some quirks of the partner, no one is perfect and flawless. If my boyfriend has this need for the sexual freedom, (which is till now anyway only in his head, he didn't cheated on me), then I should think about what is more important for me- to be together with a man who is enriching and enhancing my life, but can't give me absolutely security or to dump him and to sacrifice our love because of my fear of his infidelity. If he really cheats on me some day, I will then have a reason to break up with him. But now I could enjoy wonderful time with him and be happy, if I manage to control my thoughts.
If I could only be able to control my thoughts. Instead of thinking all the time- is he cheating on me right now? I could rather think- he is faithful to me! Which actually is true. But why is so easy to have negative thoughts and so difficult to focus on the positive ones?
I talked also to a male friend who is in a committed relationship and he loves his girl friend totally. He confessed to me, he is also seeing other women from time to time, flirting and imagining to have sex with them, but he doesn't tell this to his girlfriend of course. So the only difference between them both is, that my boyfriend is so sincere. If he wouldn't tell me this, I would absolutely believe, he isn't interested in other women at all, because he behaves like this when we are together. I would prefer he would lie to me, like this friend does..
Men don't all just flirt around...those who say that are probbaly wnating to do that
But sexyal fidelity is VERY important in an exclsive relationship.
Of course, you need that kind of commitment...
if he is unwilling to give it, he is probbaly just not mature enough to make that commitment...
maybe he is too young for that?
He said, he needs still 2 or 3 years to reach his career goals and then he will be ready for a committed relationship. Our timing is just wrong, unfortunately, because he thinks, I'm probably his ideal woman.
So he told me that as long he isn't satisfied with his life completely, he doesn't want to commit fully to a woman, because this is distracting him too much from his professional goals. During the last 10 years he was only having short affairs, I'm the first one he is dating already 15 months without sleeping with other women.
I'm admiring him because of his job and the passion for it and he is extremely attractive man and women are chasing him all the time. So the fact that he is faithful to me since we are together is at the end not only flattering me, but also a sign that I am a special woman for him. This is giving me hope to be patient and just wait for him.
If I could only learn to deal with my jealousy! Till now I didn't have a reason to be jealous, it's all in my head, those thoughts of him sleeping with other women. And at the end I will be the one who will destroy our relationship, if he starts to feel controlled or feels my jealousy all the time :-(
I don't totally agree with relationships or live in that go on long before marraige.
Marriage has its role in creating security. People can still pursue their careers after getting married...espeially for men.
It might be helpful to have a loving wife to offer support and strength.
15 months is long enough, if not to long already...in my opinion.
It's only the sexual fidelity, I'm a possesive person and don't want to share a lover. But I know that today the most couples are cheating soon or later, specially in huge cities. I can imagine that in small towns or villages people are different, more conservative and traditional, but I'm living in a big city which is know for its liberality and non-traditional way of living. So even my own brother said to me, there is no man who is able to be 100% faithful. He is also cheating on his wife occasionally, but he loves her totally.
Maybe some boring and unattractive guys are faithful, but I won't either be happy with a man who isn't exciting and sexy.
My Ex-husband was such a guy, actually a really nice guy, but I was bored and unfulfilled with him sexually. But I'm very faithful person, I never cheated on him although I was desiring other men all the time, because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
I talked to another friend, who is married and she knows that her husband is having affairs from time to time. She said, as long he loves her and always comes back to her, she doesn't bother much, a man is a man and you can't own him completely, they just need some extra freedom.
If I could only develop such an attitude. My life would be so much easier. Now I'm poisoning myself with my own thoughts, although my boyfriend didn't cheated on me during those 16 months and this fact should be a proof for me how much he actually loves me. But it's still not enough for me to relax and forget my suspicious thoughts.
But I hope I just don't like cheats and affairs and infedility. Cannot respect that too much. If someone is openly into non-exclusivity, to them their own. But I can't empathize for marriage-breakers.
Hope u feel more relaxed about your choices if thats what you really want.
I will refrain from commenting on this topic any further.
Thank you and wishing you goodluck
My Ex-husband, who was a very religious person, never cheated on me, because adultery is a sin for him, but this strong moral principles didn't stop him to fall in love with a 25 years younger girl from a church choir and this hurt me a lot and I found it very two-faced.
Maybe this triggered my current jealousy, because I lost completely my faith into men and it's hard for me to trust a man again.