I strongly recommend this book by Paul Hauck:

http://books.google.ca/books/about/Overcoming_Jealousy_and_Possessiveness.html?id=yIE90IrRlf8C

Hauck points out that jealousy arises when you have underlying irrational beliefs about the world. You believe that if your husband encounters another attractive woman, he will fall for her and perhaps leave you. Such a scenario is unlikely. People don't often jump into bed with strangers in a store.

More importantly, you probably believe that if he cheated or had an affair that it would be an unbearable disaster. But it wouldn't. It would be sad and unfortunate, but you could deal with it. People deal with such things every day.

Hauck goes into this and much more in great detail. I believe the book is also available as an audio book via audible.com.

This book helped me get my jealousy under control and prevented me from driving my wife away. I hope it can help you in the same way.

I used to be the same flying angel, i wanted to control his every move, as if i could control what his eyes saw or didn't see. I'm not saying I'm cured or anything, but I'm so much better than i was and a little improvement can make you feel so much better about yourself.
I bet you feel such guilt at the way you treat him, i know i used to, still do in certain areas.

The hardest thing to do but i think helps is if you rationalize what you are thinking, rationalize the situation.

Why does he have to have the door closed when he's on the net? I would be thinking he's up to no good and got something to hide. But the rational thought could be... that he knows how you get and its just easier for him and less hassle, if he can do whatever in peace, without you ending up bitching at him, because some woman has popped up on the screen who YOU think is attractive, and so he's bound to fancy her.

That book (paul hauck) i couldn't get on with, this one i liked better http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Jealousy-Common-Problems/dp/0859699587/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1353675748&sr=1-1

Thanks for the replies. Yes Ia m learning to remember to breathe and question motivations. The calender Jeaalosu0free count is helping me and I mark a B grade or C if I ask some questions. Simply because I may have let go a few things and asked one or two...so I could have a better credit, and also hubby sees that I am not jealous always.
Yes I let him agree to be with the door closed and have interest, and asked him to give me a few agreements about what he does/does not and I will remember those words and be at peace. If a question comes up in my mind I have his admission about what he does or not. I will trust him on that.
that being said, I discovered that an underlying dynamic is that of him being more to himself usually. He wanted Privacy and Space and is big on his own personal space...very strong about it and also tends to shut me out often. I probably reacted to feeling left out. Like a door closed to me and him engaging with his hobbies/reading shutting me out. We talked about that.
He tend to blame my jealousy for most problems in our marriage and feels victimized. As I refrain from jealousy and point out when a fight is happening that Hey this is not about jealousy by the way, he is able to see the ways in which he makes me feel disrespected, shut out, or not loved...Those things tend to add to my insecurity.
Feeling like he does not respect or care about my feelings makes me feel prone to believing that he is selfish and likely to do things that may hurt me. Or because he blames my jealousy for most problems, that he might feel inclined to step out of line. His major issue is that we tend to have conflicts. And he feels victimized by it and has mentioned separation which made me feel more insecure. I am able to see and show him (that makes me look like a convincer/fighter) that many times its because I am indignant about something thoughtless he did/said, being rude, dismissive of me or my needs and feelings, rude and insensitive.
He has an issue with emotional withdrawal and unavailability and emotional abuse and verbal abuse.
In this context I feel less than my high self-esteem persona and already weakened.
I discussed a lot today... Thanks Empathy and Prince.
I am trying to be more secure and I know that he won't do anything nasty on the internet or look at anything that might pop up. He is aware of my sensitivities in this regard and won't do anything that would hurt our bond in anyways.
That being said, I have a tendency to want him to consider my needs, feelings and give me agreements as his general tendency is to be rebellious/free from responsibility etc. We have some control issues where he wants to be totally free and not have to be responsible and responsive unless asked/nagged several times. And I feel like I am being taken for granted.
So I have asked him to give me some agreements about his internet and I won't question him. That way I feel validated and he feels he has his special space and privacy. He is also uncomfortable if I walk into the living room while he reads at night. He wants total privacy and space and hogs the living room and feels agitated if I walk into the room to go to the kitchen for a glass of water! I want him to open up a little more and Let me Be in his space ,(or our space because its the living room and kitchen!!) and not have me Completely Out of his world. Like there is a box for me and exclusive from his box for his books and another for his friends. I would like him to tolerate my presence n his life more since I am his wife! and he can still have his space.
So in this context, his shutting the door on me AND the internet On makes me feels double whammy of isolation, rejection and thus fuels insecurity.
But I do trust him about his reading online. So I could let the jealousy go.
I believe that hand-in-hand with changing the jealousy I must work on improving my relationship and feel respected, loved and included in his life.

Between I have gotten much much better around my jealousy around his mom. He calls her in my absence and it gave me some space to heal. And on weekend, he put me on the phone with her too. She is a little mean at times and there were a few things she did that caused me pain and anger. So that added to me feeling left out. I perceived my husband' loyalty to him mom and disrespect around me.
I have come to see that he does love and respect me but is a bit of a jerk and insensitive at times. Its not about me. He loves me a lot but has a short temper and is reactive and is working on it. It does not mean he loves or respects me any less. He says its more so around me as he is more vulnerable to me and feels threatened more easily. So thats his weakness and he is working on it.
But beyond it I have learnt to take his action less personally and know that he loves me wants me and needs me. He is very sensitive, has some strange buttons to push for him, that make him agitated. I don't share the similar buttons. And he conceded that I was more important than his mom, about 50% more!;0
That helped a lot. guess it was some kind of a female pecking order or competition.
But him saying that I was the most important woman in the world for him, and teh space in this matter helped.
Now he put me on phone with him mom to help me feel included in the family. Ahh, that felt good:0
So I did not get jealous or anything. Often there would be tension in the past after he called him mom. Now I was pretty fine. I did feel a little tense but just let it go. It was overall happy. I felt validated and included in the family. He also put me on phone with his grandma who seems to like me and I hit it off with her.
S that area has come to a rest now.
I also had him speak with my parents on the phone despite the language barriers of our inter continental marriage. And also healed my relationship with my mother more. This has made me feel more secure and less jealous of his calls.
I call my mom and speak for long:0 I am also reaching out and getting in touch with friends and getting out of 'relationship-mindset' to extend my sources of support and my friendships.
I guess I am beginning to see that he does now owe me anything and I am grateful to have a loving man in my life. Only one we need to work out how we treat each other, although we both know that we love one another.

Thanks for the book suggestions. I ordered for the books and found one also for a partner.
If anybody is interested: http://www.amazon.com/Coping-With-Your-Partners-Jealousy/dp/1572243686

sometimes we do things without really thinking about it too much cos its just us and who we are about. Its not until someone points it out that we take notice of it.
My partner used to take a call from his best mate and they would be on the phone for ages and he would push the door to almost closed. i saw suspicion in that and i felt shut out just like you. i admit i would eves drop and it was just work stuff.
i did bring it up and told him how it made me feel, the door is now open.

@prince....I agree with the first portion of your statement however the second I have heard repeatedly and highly disagree. Along with this author, Dr. Phil also states that if our S.O. does cheat that we will just deal with it. Tell that to the thousands of people who have murdered or been murdered do to jealously. Jealously is the most common motivator for murder. For myself, I am so pathologically jealous that I completely avoid relationships all together cause i fear that I might just blow my head off or theirs if I was betrayed onceagain. In have been in 8 tumultuous relationships in which i tried to control every aspect of their lives just to keep my anxiety at bay because I know that my life (or his) literally depends on it.

Very serious. What your describing is like being in jail. You are trying to completely control his environment. You will actually lose him faster by putting restraints on him. If you are secure about yourself and your relationship, he is more apt to stay. Either way, there are n guarantees. Why make your life so miserable,worrying yourself to death. Even if he finds someone attractive, it doesn't mean he will sleep with that person. Please go and get some help. This sounds very crippling for the both of you. Good luck

Well I have made a lot of changes today. He can go wherever he wants. We do let each other know where we go etc and thats fine. I no longer dwell on fears about whether he finds some attractive girl. That is not a sole determining factor for someone's worth and DEFINITELY NOT MY WORTH. I don't bother him when he is on the computer. He sometimes tells me what he is doing...like checking for something, clearing the computer cache etc and if he does not tell me I don't ask. I am away when he is at home. I don't ask what he is doing on the computer. So I guess I am releasing us from the jail. Although I am open to healing the damage caused by my behaviour in the past as I am changing. Also the damage I am presently causing because I still get depressed when we are out and someone I believe he finds ttractive walks by. I am not saying anything to him. Yet I go to the restroom and cry. Or I look depressed. I am not making excuses for myself. But the healing is happening and I am doing my best without being inauthentic to my feelings.