Jealousy Support Group
Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may or may not know that he or she is perceived as a threat. If you or a loved one may have an issue with jealousy, this community is a good place to start exploring the issue and get support. We're here for...
Hey all
Its been a while since I posted here although I have been meaning to.
So with the help of a cosponsor, therapy, open AA CoDa and alanon meetings and a little step study, I finally have made 71 days of jealousy sobriety. Implying I don't ask him questions directly related to jealousy. There have been many close-calls and we still have agreements. Also we inform each other about our moves and do live pretty restricted lives when it comes to TV travel etc etc.
Yet there is not much or any obsessive thoughts and I am able to live my life peacefully. the restrictions may change. Yet I can feel the muscle of self-reliance and self-love strengthen already.
The relationship and marriage have changed drastically. He has started working seriously on is anger and abusive patterns. There is more peace, joy and love.
I seem to have gotten attractive to many others around me and gained more respect in my social interactions, which have increased. Work has gotten better. Life is more joyous.
Yet I do realize that now, being about 14 years since I first discovered this in me; its not just a pattern or a frame of mind. I cannot seem to help feeling jealous anxious or very upset.
The other day I was bawling because I was afraid he saw someone attractive on a news show! Now I can feel more deeply and intensely and not flip out all that much or get suicidal.
But I realise that this has been beyond a 'normal' pattern. It has been almost like a disease. And extreme case of posessiveness. Not really 'morbid jealousy' or 'Othello complex' where cheating is assumed. I don't suumecheating at all. Yet the possibility of attraction to another is enough to cerate hrible painful feelings in me. And it has been so even in non-romantic relationships.
Yes I do believe my seriously painful and abusive childhood has a role to play in all this.
But this is still a disroder for me as far as I am concerned.
Maybe like alcoholism, I think that for some of us -like me, its like a condition like 'Jealousoholism'.
And finally I can slowly begin to release so much of the guilt shame and the horrible feelings about being controlling or 'bad'. Not condoning the hurt and harm and damage I have inflicted on people I love including myself. Yet I am able to see now more clearly that I could not help it.
there was pain so intense that I just wanted to stop the other person or want to die.
Becoming aware of all this has helped me accept myself.
All it takes is this one type of trigger and my positive traits, strengths and beauty seem to get sidelined and this aspect comes forth. Its too painful. Some of you know what I mean.
Any amount of shaming blaming and telling us its 'irrational', 'illogical' or get over oneself does not work very well. Of course I am still trying to get over it...yet I understand its a condition and an appropriate recover and time and effort are required.
Lets face it ..'normal' people dont have to freak out about going shopping, going to a beach, watching a movie or listening to music with female singers or looking at movie/album covers,s peaking with a store clerk, customer service personnel family, friends, coworkers etc etc etc.
I have reduced my 'Behaviours' and the intensity of reactions have lessened. Yet I understand that these are things that require and have required effort for me. Not so another 'normal' person.
Of course self-esteem and PTSD and other factors might contribute and probably do.
I am working hard on my haling and doing much better already. I do know that I love myself and will love myself no matter what and no matter who loves me or not. Yet I wish I had had more validation about my situation and condition to help me accept myself better, to inform my partners and other people better. Maybe like people hide drinks from an alcoholic, people would have refrained from acting even little inappropriately in front of me had I and them known how deeply it affects me as compared to someone not as sensitive to these issues.
Anyways, thanks for this space here. One place where I could find a space of acknowledging and working on healing this issue.
Thanks a lot.
Its been a while since I posted here although I have been meaning to.
So with the help of a cosponsor, therapy, open AA CoDa and alanon meetings and a little step study, I finally have made 71 days of jealousy sobriety. Implying I don't ask him questions directly related to jealousy. There have been many close-calls and we still have agreements. Also we inform each other about our moves and do live pretty restricted lives when it comes to TV travel etc etc.
Yet there is not much or any obsessive thoughts and I am able to live my life peacefully. the restrictions may change. Yet I can feel the muscle of self-reliance and self-love strengthen already.
The relationship and marriage have changed drastically. He has started working seriously on is anger and abusive patterns. There is more peace, joy and love.
I seem to have gotten attractive to many others around me and gained more respect in my social interactions, which have increased. Work has gotten better. Life is more joyous.
Yet I do realize that now, being about 14 years since I first discovered this in me; its not just a pattern or a frame of mind. I cannot seem to help feeling jealous anxious or very upset.
The other day I was bawling because I was afraid he saw someone attractive on a news show! Now I can feel more deeply and intensely and not flip out all that much or get suicidal.
But I realise that this has been beyond a 'normal' pattern. It has been almost like a disease. And extreme case of posessiveness. Not really 'morbid jealousy' or 'Othello complex' where cheating is assumed. I don't suumecheating at all. Yet the possibility of attraction to another is enough to cerate hrible painful feelings in me. And it has been so even in non-romantic relationships.
Yes I do believe my seriously painful and abusive childhood has a role to play in all this.
But this is still a disroder for me as far as I am concerned.
Maybe like alcoholism, I think that for some of us -like me, its like a condition like 'Jealousoholism'.
And finally I can slowly begin to release so much of the guilt shame and the horrible feelings about being controlling or 'bad'. Not condoning the hurt and harm and damage I have inflicted on people I love including myself. Yet I am able to see now more clearly that I could not help it.
there was pain so intense that I just wanted to stop the other person or want to die.
Becoming aware of all this has helped me accept myself.
All it takes is this one type of trigger and my positive traits, strengths and beauty seem to get sidelined and this aspect comes forth. Its too painful. Some of you know what I mean.
Any amount of shaming blaming and telling us its 'irrational', 'illogical' or get over oneself does not work very well. Of course I am still trying to get over it...yet I understand its a condition and an appropriate recover and time and effort are required.
Lets face it ..'normal' people dont have to freak out about going shopping, going to a beach, watching a movie or listening to music with female singers or looking at movie/album covers,s peaking with a store clerk, customer service personnel family, friends, coworkers etc etc etc.
I have reduced my 'Behaviours' and the intensity of reactions have lessened. Yet I understand that these are things that require and have required effort for me. Not so another 'normal' person.
Of course self-esteem and PTSD and other factors might contribute and probably do.
I am working hard on my haling and doing much better already. I do know that I love myself and will love myself no matter what and no matter who loves me or not. Yet I wish I had had more validation about my situation and condition to help me accept myself better, to inform my partners and other people better. Maybe like people hide drinks from an alcoholic, people would have refrained from acting even little inappropriately in front of me had I and them known how deeply it affects me as compared to someone not as sensitive to these issues.
Anyways, thanks for this space here. One place where I could find a space of acknowledging and working on healing this issue.
Thanks a lot.
Empathy66
I'm so pleased things are much better for you, i hope it continues : )
deleted_user
Wow, well done. That's inspirational. I hope you take the time to really appreciate and value this great achievement. All the best x
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