I don't understand. If you left the marital home, would your wife cut off all access to your stepdaughter? Did you adopt her?

no i didnt adopt her . What I mean is my wife makes very little and my stepadughter is used to the life I provide. Now my income is untouchable by my wife when divorced so she will have about half of what it takes to pay the monthly bills and my stepdaughter will suffer for her mothers actions and that hurts. This is not to mention that I have been there in her life since she was 2 and she is almost 14 now and I will be allowed no contact with her .

Is your wife willing to stop her affair?
How long has her affair been going on?
Do you wish to reconcile with your wife if your stepdaughter were not part of the equation?

Wouldn't you be able to contribute towards your stepdaughter's living expenses? If you did so, do you think your wife would let you be in touch with her?

she has sposidly stopped already but from the emails i found they were" true soulmates " and they looked forward to there lives together. If my stepdaughter were not in the picture then I truelly dont care if she had to work the streets for food , but my stepdaughter is involved so here I am.

i would be able to but I wont because it is my wife that made the mistake I am not going to take away from me to help her, she doesnt even get support from her father. Ny life gets better as soon as I leave I will go from being broke all the time to having a huge surplus every month and I will be able to do for me instead of everyone else but I cant get past the hurt my stepdaughter will face.

My 2 cents... I'd say if you're concerned about your stepdaughter, then you contribute to her welfare. If not, then don't. I know you don't want to give money to your wife but geez... if you care about your stepdaughter, do it for her. Or maybe do other things, like buy the necessities she needs now and then like clothes, lessons, etc. That might be better than handing over money.

You're saying one thing but meaning another. You say you don't want to let your step daughter down, but you don't seem willing to discuss a way that you can continue to support her without filling your wife's pockets. Surely there is a way to do this - a bank account her her name with you as co?

I know that I saying 2 things at once am very confused right now. I spoke with my wife and while the relationship has stopped they are planning on ending there marriages after the holidays so I know where I stand. So now I have copied all the emails and am sending it to this guys wife so that she knows . I hate this as I am bringing someone else pain as well but it ius a pain she will have after the holidays so I guess it is better to know now. If anyone reads this and thinks this is a bad idea please respond very quickly .

I don't know - I would never do that, get into their business - but others have and say they always would. What is your purpose in letting the OM's wife know about the affair?

well i have decided not to send it for a few reasons.
1. I dont want to hurt her and her kids if they end up together then they will anyhow but that is his fault not mine.
2. most impotrtantly I dont want to do anything that allows them to live happily ever after
as far as my stepdaughter I guess my wife and her have been discussing the fact that we may split and she is cool with it so I am obsolved

You are confusing two separate issues

a) you found out for sure your spouse is cheating - this affects your relationship
b) you are concerned about continuing to be a father figure to your step daughter

The second thing you have total control over.. you can set up atrust..you can live in the same neighbourhood, you can support her independent of her mother

You need to get some counselling and decide what to do about your spouse and her cheating and do so immediately.

so sorry for your pain but the sooner you get professional help.you can make the decisions that need to be made.. because even doing nothing is a decision

well i am in councilling and have been for some time. my next appoint is tuesday and i think it will be a fun visit. I cannot stay in the same neighborhood as i tend to get real upset and it would only hurt. i just hate the fact that at 41 i get to start my life all over again.

41 is young... I just read this book called "how did i get here" from barbara deangelis... pick it up and read it.. it is about redefining your life when life happens....

I told the OW's husband. In fact, I also wrote him a detailed letter with all the info I found out and included the phone bills with their hundreds of phone calls. I was not going to let the OW get away with telling her husband that it was only a brief affair when in reality it lasted four years.

Why wouldn't you tell his/her spouse? He/she absolutely has a right to know and I would NEVER even consider not telling. I try to treat people how I want to be treated and I would want to be told. In fact, I wish someone had told me rather than me having to dig and spy and find out all the information for myself. My H's friends and coworkers all knew and no one told me. I wish they would have. I think you should tell the OM's wife. How sad for her that her husband is doing this and no one is telling her? If you would want to be told about your wife's affair, then u need to tell his wife. Don't let her be in the dark any longer.