yes - its the low point in every marriage - the lull so to speak.

here's a better break down.

This type of affair often occurs when there is a lull in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.

People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence.


If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met.

Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and falling in and out of love a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.

You may hear the persistent phrase, I love you, but Im not in love with you. He may truly like you and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you.

His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.

He/she may feel very badly about his inability to love you and his inability not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for hurting you but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His concern for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his concern for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.

Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure Ive fallen out of love (and just love being in love) affair.

The romance of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.

Most affairs of this nature are usually brief in duration. I have a saying I use often with people, Feelings are like the Michigan weather (living near Lake Michigan provides contrasting weather patterns). Stick around, and they will change.
The loving feelings one experiences in the beginning of a relationship always fade and change. It is good to have those feelings as a base for a relationship, but guaranteed, they will change.

They begin to change once a couple experiences the qualities that attracted them in the first place as distracters. (His spontaneity becomes irresponsibility and her stability is now perceived as control.)


Or, the feelings begin to change once doses of reality demand consumption. Camelot is threatened by the problems that need to be faced and solved as they consider the day-to-day, mundane issues that face them. Eventually the couple will be confronted with the same stuck points that they experienced in previous relationships.

This too shall pass is a good mantra to use when faced with this kind of affair. The novelty wears off.

I'm early 30's and have a child, and I'm going through that now... In a big way. I agree with all the reasons that you mentioned!. I'm single and I know I won't be young, attractive and single for too much longer.I also know that I won't be able to pick up younger hot men for much longer. I still look a lot younger than I am, but I know one day my lifestyle and sun baking will take it's toll upon my looks.

I've always been told that women go through a 'dirty thirties' period.

Wow.

Not all women who turn 40 are pathetic and needy with low self-esteem. Some of us have just came up for air after several years of the demands of small children, usually while juggling outside careers and the demands of marriages. Always putting every one else first. Finally we have a little time and perhaps money to make ourselves a priority.
Personally, turning 40 meant quitting smoking, learning to meditate, starting my own business and losing 90 lbs. It also meant falling in love with someone else after I found my husband in an affair with a co-worker. Not because I hate myself or am getting old, it is because I love myself and deserve to consider a new path for the next half of my life.

I guess I don't appreciate the brush you are painting all 40yr old women with.

I am also going to share this with you....
I spent a few years in the military. I watched married men and women on courses and exercises, acting like it was a singles club, a break from marriage, neglecting their families at home, not bothering to call their wives because hearing them complain about the car breaking down and the kids misbehaving is not fun, Once in a while, just such a guy would come home to find his home empty and the family gone. Everyone would give him sympathy, "what a awful B$#ch she was" poor guy, but no one would remind him that he had been a donkey for a whole year before. This didn't come out of no where like the man often wants to believe.

Food for thought....

This has been a fantastic discussion.

Pinkpony hit the nail on the head for me. And it was after 8 years of marriage.

Onyx your comment on "I'm not in love" with you describe what I've been going thru for 7 mos. This gives me hope as well.

I am deep into my 40's and married only 10 years. Waited until I found the "right" man. The 4 years of dating and first couple years of marriage before a child arrived were like one long honeymoon, He was the one who had low self esteem when times were tough and sought comfort outside the marriage.

We are currently trying to rebuild. I am hopeful.