The experts say his depression is normal , but the only cure for it and your marriage is a CLEAN BREAK. It is a must. And counseling, individual and couples. He can pour his feelings out there and get some insight and perspective. He can figure out what he felt for her and how to move through the grieving process. He owes you compassion and understanding of YOUR pain. No waffling. If he wants to save your marriage, then he needs to STOP seeing her. PERIOD. I agree with Nave. Get an attorney and a counseling all in one fell swoop!

thanks all for your wonderful insight and thoughts. it helps more than u can imagine. Nave, ur right i cannot be understanding that he has feelings for ow and that he is depressed. he brought this on himself and he needs to deal with it. i told him that if i found out he has seen her i will file for divorce the next day. god i hope i don't find out. Infidel, you also have a point. when i don't rant and rave or say anything to him about ow or whole situation he seems to come around and is much nicer. it's almost like if he doesn't know where i'm at in my head he gets scared. how long does it take to get to indifference stage? he truly made me believe when he came home that he was over her and he still maintains that he meant every word he said, but doesn't know why his feelings change. has never said he doesn't love me just that he gets unhappy. Nave, he does need bounderies because obviously he has none of his own. but i am scared i may have to follow through with my threats. i know i will have to file if he sees her or it will never end. when he first came home he was willing to do anything to save marriage. said i could talk about it whenever i wanted if thats what i needed, now he doesn't want to talk about anything. sure sign that there's something up. why do they get so mean when they talk to ow. he doesn't expect me to listen to his feelings about ow, but the silence is worse. it's hard to not know where he's at in his head. scared one day he'll come home and say he's leaving or wants a divorce. i keep telling myself that he had every opportunity to leave and go with ow, even packed, kids knew, and after 3 days he didn't want her. is that love or is he infatuated? i think he thinks i will continue to put up with it. he thinks that because he hasn't seen her that he's done nothing wrong. i don't know how to make him feel the way he did when he ist came home. like i said before if he thinks i'm done he can't stand it. he thought i was with a man one night and he went ballistic. getting off track. i can't stand it that he could possibly be depressed or addicted or whatever over another woman. so for now i guess i will not rant and rave, i will say nothing. but i will keep the threat of divorce over his head. we intend to go to counseling, but is there any point if he's not over ow yet. my h does feel that his pain or struggle is just as bad as what i'm going through. says he knows i'm hurting but asks me how do i think he feels, do i think he wants to feel this way? says its just as hard for him because he wants to feel normal and he doesn't know why his feelings change. when he's with her he doesn't want to be but can't stop talking to her. i guess i'm gonna lay low for awhile give him some space and do my own thing. think i'm gonna go out saturday with friends, but i know he'll get mad. think it will give him excuse to go see ow. i'm scared to go out for fear of that. he'll accuse me of seeing someone. sick isn't it. thanks again all. trying to find a marriage counselor thoughts welcome.

I hope this works out for you. But in case you are thinking of not following your ultimatum if you end up disappointed, I have to tell you that you must move on. My H would not behave in a caring and tender way toward me after his A either. It was the hardest thing to do to follow through because I love him so much and I could not picture life without him.

But as usual, I needed to make all of the changes to make him happy and (in his mind) anything I asked of him was controllng and spiteful. Well, I am not controlling and spiteful and so I had to let him go. It takes a while to think of yourself as a separate entity from the marriage but it does come along.

Now, I am ok. I am active in the community and have plenty of friends to go out and do things with. Life is an adventure once again. I am easier on the kids. Most importantly, I now think of myself as 'me' and not part of the 'h and me' marriage. I was terrified and hoped and prayed that he would come around and make the marriage work. But it takes 2 and you can't make someone do something he or she does not want to do.

I wish I had answers for you Laurie...but I don't. Your situation is a lot like mine....The questions your asking are the same ones I'm asking. I've tried to cut this up into pieces trying to figure out "WHY" or just to make some sense out of it. I'm here if you ever need to talk. I don't have the answers but I have 2 very good ears that I can listen.

its the thrill and the only way to get him to do one way or the other is leave and leave him with the kids and say....i cant take being a option b in your life.....sorry i have made you so miserable but i cant take this and i dont deserve this....
it is like a friend told me when they are wavering....babydoll...it is because he can...
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC TO GET HIS ATTENTION ON REAL LIFE AND AWAY FROM FANTASY...THE KIDS ARE REAL LIFE...YOU GONE...IS REAL LIFE...WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF HE DOES NOT STOP AND THIS CONTINUES IS ALL OF A SUDDEN.....A WAKE UP CALLL...

HE WILL BEG YOU BACK AND NEVER GO BACK.....
AND END IT...
YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC TO GET THEIR ATTENTION AND TO MAKE THEM BELIEVE YOU ARE DESPERATE AND READY TO GO .....NO WARNINGS...JUST HAVE YOUR CAR PACKED AND WHEN HE WALKS IN...WALK OUT...AND LEAVE A NOTE IN THE KITCHEN...LET HIM FIGURE OUT THE REST....
LIKE YOU HAVE......
HE WILL AND IT WILL ONLY TAKE ONE DAY OR LESS FOR HIM TO MAKE HIS FINAL DECISION.....
AND IT WILL BE FOR YOU
right now you are allowing him not to make up his mind and still have a affair...so why should he give her up...he has the best of both worlds and you are nothing is changing drastically for his world.....he has his cake and eat it too....
anybody would do anything they wanted to if all they had to do is cry a little and act confused.....

Is your husband in therapy? He should be. Easier said than done in this economic catastrophe that we're in, but if he can somehow afford it, he should do it.

At some point there is something called self control, and your husband has to use it. I had a false start when I first tried to break off the affair. But the second time was for real, and I've had no contact with her for over 14 months.

It was very difficult. I felt terrible abandoning her (she was going through a very rough time), but I finally realized, with the help of a therapist, that I could not save my marriage if I was still in contact with the ow in any way.

I still miss some of those feelings that I had at the beginning of the affair. The feeling that the Universe itself, by some divine intervention, brought me together with the ow. It sounds silly, I know, but those feelings are extremely powerful. But you know what? I just have to endure those feelings of missing her until they fade again. It's a process, and it takes a while, but I've seen the progress that comes with remaining strong.

At least he's telling you when he misses her. It's a good sign that he's being honest, even if it's not what you want to hear. But think of it this way: he'd have those feelings whether he told you or not, so it's better that he tells you. Right?

Maybe there are things he's missing from the relationship that he isn't getting from you. Not that it's your fault - I'm not saying that - but maybe you could ask him what you can do for the relationship when he feels that way.

My affair, at the start, anyway, was an idealized relationship. It felt perfect because we weren't experiencing everyday hardships. Instead of life's realities, we were just having fun, fun, fun. But no couple can sustain that. When I miss the past, I have to give myself a mental slap to the face and tell myself that I'm missing a fantasy, and in reality, I'm missing a person who never existed. The ow is a screwball; she was a screwball when we first met, but she was doing a great job of concealing it.

He needs to cut all ties. A call to her here and there, just to check in, is simply going to send him more steps backwards than forwards. He needs to get tough with himself. Life is going to suck for him for a while, but he needs to break all ties to her. If he gets depressed, he can go for a walk, clean the house, read a book, whatever it takes to get his mind off her. He has a choice, though. Speaking of books, it might help him if he reads books about affairs (the library is full of them). By reading about other people/case studies like himself, he'll see that a lot of other people have gone through the same thing, and that his affair wasn't any more special than anyone else's.