The infatuation feelings for the OW are strong but usually not as strong as the attachment to the spouse. sometimes, the infidel goes with the "good feelings" and runs off with the OW. He will eventually realize that she is not his answer either. The emptiness he feels is inside.

Your husband has no boundaries of his own. He does not know how to say "no" to himself and wait out the feelings. He knows on some level that he really loves and needs you but will not cut himself off from her long enough to break the "spell".

This means, to me, that you must become his boundary, for the sake of your own sanity, not for him. He needs an external boundary, because the internal ones are inadequate.

At some point in time, you need to say, enough is enough!

Get an attorney, explain that you are preparing to divorce him and if he contacts her one more time, you will follow through.

I actually prepared the paperwork and was waiting to file it. It is still here, waiting to be filed and may be for a long time. I did it myself, so either way.

Explain that he and his honey will need to live off of a lot less money as the courts usually ask for ??% for child support and alimony (there are quidelines that you can find on the web, for your state, a certain amount per child etc).

Help him to understand, that life is not without consequences. Right now he is getting away with soul murder, your soul!

If you are not ready to do this, please do not feel bad. Just knowing the right thing to do, later, when you are ready, helps.

I will pray for you.

nave, thanks for your insight and advice. you are right he cannot control himself or his feelings. i really think she is playing head games. i feel she won't talk to him at times and tells him he has to leave me in order to see her, but it is only games she doesn't mean any of it. this makes him want her more and me the enemy. i think he knows it won't work with her but he just doesn't feel for me the way he used to because i can't provide that feeling of excitement and newness. i have considered filing for a legal separation, but really just to keep him in check or to scare him straight. i am afraid it may backfire. maybe that's what he wants deep down for me to make the move so he's has no other choice then i have made it for him. i donnot want to make anything easy for him or her. she has no rights to my h and family. i will not make anything easy for some low down person to take what i have worked my whole life for. i think ur right enough is enough he can only degrade me by his sadness and coldness so long before i do it for myself and no other reason. i feel i need to move on maybe try to date. i hope he really does love me and his attachment to me overrides anything for her but i think im losing at this time because he's always with me not her, so she's more appealing. thank again keep in touch. hope all is well. this all sucks for all of us. if u need to talk please feel free.

Hello Laurie,
I don't know if this helps or not but the OW is like a drug - at least in my experience - it just makes you (the man) feel so good it's impossible to give up. It has nothing to do with how much a man may love his wife. That's irrelevant when it comes to getting a "fix".
Anyway, my point is, the conflict your husband doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love you, or want to change his behavior. Find a good marriage counseler for both of you !

I agree with fantasizr. I would add my own experience though, if it helps. I was supposed to break up with the OW in early October. That lasted for about a day. Then I was supposed to break up with her in late October/early November, but that didn't work either. It took my psychiatrist laying down the law to me for me to finally quit. It's rough, though. It is like coming down off a drug (not that I've been an addict, but I can imagine). If he really quits her, I think one of the best things you could do would be tell him that you accept that he's still going to have thoughts. I think he's more likely to want to commit to you if he knows that his thoughts about her have to be a secret. I felt like I had to keep my thoughts a secret from my wife, because she'd get angry at the thought of me still exerting mental energy on the OW. I was close to calling her sometimes (thankfully, I didn't) because my wife's anger and hurt about my thought of the OW would start to push me away from her. It's got to be tough to want to get close to a man who's still thinking about the OW, but as long as he's broken it off, you stand a better chance of keeping him in the relationship both physically and mentally.

Sorry, I meant to say that it's easier for him to get close to you if his thoughts of the OW DON'T have to be a secret from you. She's going to pop into his head, even if he doesn't love her. She was a major part of his life, and it's just reality that she's not going to vanish quickly. But it happened for me - I think of her less and less, and even when I do it's much, much easier to quickly dismiss the thought.

Sorry to keep writing adendums to my post, but I skimmed Nave's and agree with her, too. Trying to work things out demands total commitment to stop all contact with the OW. If that doesn't happen, everything I stated before doesn't mean anything.

I do agree with you, Infidel. I just wanted to say that one of the most hurtful things that my wife and I went through was when she finally told me how much she missed the OM. It really hurt me, on top of the other hurt I already had in dealing with her affair. I agree that she needed to be able to talk about it. But, I asked her to talk about it mostly with her counselor until I was strong enough to handle it. We did eventually talk about it quite a bit. But by then she had actually moved on to being angry with him and she didn't miss him anymore.

I just wanted you to know how painful it can be, in case your wife goes a little ballistic if you need to talk about your feelings for the OW. I'm glad she's moving out of your mind. That will make it easier for both of you.

The feelings they probably shared were so amplified compared to day to day life and its stresses. When is there stress with undivided attention, affection, sexual excitment, wine & dining, oogling and googling over eachother. Every moment that they spent together probably felt positive and incredibly exciting. When he was with her there were no financial worries, no child troubles, it was just him and her uplifting to one another. Those feeling are hard to just stuff in the closet and never think of again. With all of that in mind, you are the reality of his real life. The normalcy in his life. I believe that he does love you, he made a mistake by taking the first drug unknowing that he would be incredibly addicted after the first time. Total abstinance IS the only way.

laurieRN... I guess I'm lucky?????? My husband really wasn't into the women after he satisfied his nasty decietful ways...When he was done with them HE WAS DONE WITH THEM !!! He is such an asshole (sorry).

I would add on to Oops' comment that the ultimate place to get to is indifference about the other person (it's not that I'm really wise, I just read it in a book and it makes sense). I'm just now reaching the indifference stage.
And I agree with Bread, too. Sneaking around, 'oogling and googling,' it's a runaway feeling, like a boulder rolling down a mountain. It doesn't compare to all the mundane stuff that couples have to do. This is partly why the divorce rate for affair partners who marry is 75%. Once all the fun is over, they realize they that what they had in common was (mostly) the affair.

Laurie,
Just one more thing. I DO NOT think you should give him permission or be understanding of his feelings for the other woman!

Tell him to keep them to himself! It is disrespectful of you to expect you to be compassionate towards him regarding his "love" for her.

Plus, let me quote Infidel, hope you dont mind, Infidel.

"I felt like I had to keep my thoughts a secret from my wife, because she'd get angry at the thought of me still exerting mental energy on the OW. I was close to calling her sometimes (thankfully, I didn't)

BECAUSE my WIFE'S ANGER AND HURT... about my thoughts of the OW would start to push me away from her. (CAPITALS MINE)"

If I understand you correctly, Infidel, it was your wife's anger and hurt that stopped you from call the ow a few or a number of time? It was not her understanding and compassion, "here let me dial her for you?", was it?

Laurie, he needs BOUNDARIES. Anything that smacks of pity or compassion will rev his pity engine back up to 1000 RPM, or whatever is a lot of RPM.

He is too easy on himself, if you look back you will probably see that he was ALWAYS too easy on himself. he is a spoiled child! I know, I spoiled my husband, he had no clue how much he would suffer for his affair, because, I had never been triggered before and usually just let him be a big baby.

If your husband is too easy on himself, then you must be TOO HARD ON HIM. for awhile, a long while.

dont give up the fight but find out what he is getting specifically from you. TAKE IT AWAY! MAKE HIM MISS IT, MAKE HIM FIGHT FOR IT, MAKE HIM WANT TO CHANGE!

The reason I didn't call was because I knew that I couldn't divide my time between two women. It would create a disaster for everyone.
I'm not saying that the betrayed spouse should encourage the betraying partner to think about the OW. But the person who posted this issue already knows that her H is thinking about her, so she can tell him that she knows it's normal to do so. She can still be clear that another call or communication will be the death of the marriage. If a betrayed spouse wants to take the risk that the betrayer will go back to the affair partner, then go ahead and rant and rave at him and make him feel like a jerk. He already should know he did something bad, I'm just saying that rubbing it in might not get the result that you want.
But here I go (as does everyone else on this site, because it's impossible not to), trying to get inside someone else's head and figure out their motives bases on a few paragraphs of information.

Infidel,
Telling someone who has torn your life apart, for a "good feeling", that you dont want to hear about how much he misses said, feelings, is not ranting and raving. It is saying "no", you cannot use me as a toxic dump site.

Ranting and raving does work sometimes though. If the infidel is willing to see what a selfish, cruel person he/she is and then allows that information to motivate him/her to change.

Reply #9 - 02/20/08 11:12pm
Tearful:
laurieRN... I guess I'm lucky?????? My husband really wasn't into the women after he satisfied his nasty decietful ways...When he was done with them HE WAS DONE WITH THEM !!! He is such an asshole (sorry).



I totally agree with you ----- my husband gets sick to think of what he did and who he did it with. He wants nothing to do with her and he hates that I want to "revisit" it - but he understand that I do have questions and he will answer some but not all. It was not an emotional affair for him and that helps me alittle.

Again, this site is incredible. We all seem to go through the same things.
My husband also had an affair with a women at his work. He also had a hard time letting go. Did he love her?? NO!! Did they have a connection?? YES!! It was fun, new, and secretive. Nothing like he had at home. Kids, household responsibilites, bills, jobs. That can be very stressful. When he was with the other women it was all fun but not real. It took him 6 months to finally let go of her. I found out March 28th and he had told me it was over between them but I found out on August 16th he had still been communicating with her. He really never gave 100% to us during counceling or reconnecting. He could not until he let her go. August 16th he decided to leave his family to be with her. Inside I was devestated but on the outside I stayed strong for my children. He later told me he was so shocked at how well I handled the whole thing. August 19th he came home and he has been here ever since. He let her go and that is when our relationship took an upturn. The OW(I really hate using women in that context because they are so far from that)on the other hand tried very hard to reel him back to her world. We changed our phone number, blocked her from e-mail.
It is a very sad, sad situation that we are all in.
Your husband needs to make a clean break mentally and physically from the OW. I hate to be empathetic to them in this situation but give him the time he needs to work on that. When he lets go of her then you two will be able to move forward in your relationship but not until then.
Again, everyone on this site is so insightful. I do not know what I would do without all of you.
Many Hugs