Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Wife had revenge emotional affair

2manyregrets
2manyregrets

My dilemma is that I had emotional affair and I purposely wanted my wife to find out about it and it wasn't a romantic type of relationship with this other woman but rather a very close close relationship that I would say would still cross the line and after my wife found out and during my emotional affair I was mean at my wife at times and did not treat her with the most respect and I was extremely disrespectful and taking care of her and taking care of her needs especially when she asked to go to therapy and I didn't want to personally go but did tell her she could go and then I also told her she didn't have to go but because of the treatment I did to her then my wife purposely had her own emotional affair and it's something she said she knew what she was doing and she did it to get back at me so I would understand what I did to her and it's very true that I didn't understand fully what I did to her until she did it to me but the problem lies that my wife let it get out of hand to the point that when I asked her to choose between me and him she then looked at me in the eyes with tears and said that he promised her the world and she shortly after that said she just said that to anger me but the problem is after I move back home in June and this was end of April when she had her affair with him then when I move back home she contacted him two weeks after I move back home after we got into a argument but she didn't fully send the message and I just walked in on her as she was typing the message to him and she said that she was never going to send a message but she has gone back and forth on calling it a affair and then taking it back and she swears that she never loved him but the problem is when she's crying and telling me how bad she's hurt and what She's suffering through and that she's going through PTSD then in the back of my head all I'm thinking is what she has done to me with her affair and it is extremely difficult and it was wondering if anyone has suggestions

GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I had a little trouble following the story. Is it that you had an emotional affair years ago, and then your wife had one to get back at you, but it all has blown up now?

I think you both need to get into marital counseling. You two can't keep playing these games of revenge or hurt or anger. It's time for the two of you to get serious and go to counseling, and try to save this marriage. Especially if you have kids. Good luck to you.
2manyregrets
2manyregrets
My apologies with the message. I'm using voice text so I need to proof read before posting.. The emotional affair was in November 2009 and then came out on Dec 8 2009 then my wife had her emotional affair a few months later in April/May 2010. Part of why therapy hasn't worked is because she doesn't want to hear that her affair is just as devastating to me as mine was to her and she wants to focus on what I've done strictly due to what it's done to her mental health. I agree with you @girlincalif. She 'll send me articles and I'll tell her that some of these articles are triggers that remind me of her affair. It's just tough
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
It sounds like a tough situation you are in. This all happened almost 10 years ago, so how has the marriage been since 2010? Obviously you two are still together, so I would think there has been some improvement?

Even if marital counseling did not work out before, ask her if she would be willing to see a *different* therapist this time. Find some names, maybe online or through your health insurance, and bring her the list of names and ask her which one sounds good to her (have her involved in picking the person).

I see and understand that she is mad at you, but punishing for 10 years and longer.... is just not productive to either of you. You two should try to work toward having a happy life together. Not to keep punishing. It's been 10 years.

Ask her what else can you do to help her get past this?
2manyregrets
2manyregrets
@girlincalif I agree with everything you wrote and part of what is also the problem in truth be told is that I dribbled some of the truth and didn't always were things for how they truly were which to her is a huge thing and one thing I'm definitely doing now is I'm definitely wording everything for how it truly is and one of the things that all professional say not to fight over is details and unfortunately my wife has done everything the opposite of what the therapist said to do and she has gotten mad over details and I'm just finally at a point where I'm going to give her what she wants good or bad or what I can remember and unfortunately some of the stuff is triggered me with what she did and for a long time she wouldn't own to a lot of it but I've now just try to let it go and not even bring it up at all because the truth is I have closure with it with exception to being triggered because one of her statements is always been don't do what you wouldn't want done to you and unfortunately she doesn't really take a lot of her own advice and so we fight over some of these ridiculous issues and what it comes down to is her ego and pride have gotten in the way and she knows that but can I control it for some odd reason so quite honestly this comes down to Ego and it comes down to and her words me picking the other person over her and I just told her last night that I can't keep living like this with her if that's what she's going to keep doing because I am working my butt off and have made so many changes because some of the changes were needed and some changes I have done for her for the sake of our marriage and I do love her very much because she truly is and has been a good wife for me and to me and a great mom and I feel because of what I've done to her as far as lying to her that I owe it to her to help get her mental State of Mind Correct because I obviously do care about her but I feel she is definitely taking things over the line
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