No, not every gory detail. When it started. How it started. If he'd ever tried to break it off before. If he considered leaving me for her. When he realized he needed to end it. If he would have eventually told me. If she gave him something I didn't (emotionally).

Complete honesty from the CS is critical for rebuilding. Not necessarily giving you all the details, but answering the questions you ask honestly.

Honesty is one of the fundementals. There is a great article in the Healing Libraryr at survivinginfidelty_dot_com about the "musts" of rebuilding that covers both the CS and the BS.

My CS didn't want to discuss the Affair or the OW at all. Said I should just get over it...

Said everytime I ask a question it just made him feel like a ass for cheating on me...

Well, yes, it will make him feel like an ass for cheating on you. But the fact is, he did this to you. He hurt you. Now it is his job to help you heal if he loves you. And part of the healing involves him being honest with you and answering your questions, for months if that's what it takes.

As my wife said to me, I signed up for this, you didn't. She was a perfect example of telling me anything I wanted to know even though it was painful for her to do so.

Your H needs to be a man and take the feeling like an ass, because that's really what it is. If a woman can do it, surely a man can be man enough to take his medicine so he can heal, so she can heal, so the marriage can heal. Hiding it like that does nothing but create problems down the road that make a divorce or really bad marriage a more likely outcome.

ladyrose, he SHOULD feel like an ass for cheating on you. Would somebody who wasn't do what he did? He's going to have to suck up his pride and let himself be vulnerable to scrutiny and questioning if he wants you to heal from this hurt and get beyond it. Expecting you to just "get over it" is not only unrealistic but also insensitive and cruel.

It is important for your healing for the CS to tell you whatever you need to know. My H told me about 4 affairs over the course of the relationship but held back info about the OW he was with for 6 months. She was more than just sex. Daily contact, even talked to her while we were on vacation. I needed to know everything, because I needed to know the extent of his emotional involvement. When they hold back and protect the relationship, it makes you feel that they still have deep feelings for the OW. Yes, it is painful to hear that my H felt such emotion for this OW, but the discovery of the depth of the A helps me make decisions for my future and the future of my Marriage. Good luck, and if you need to know, he should be willing to tell you as much as you need to know. Once you know enough, you will stop asking. It is a very normal part of the recovery process though. He owes you honesty.

#5-reid/unforgiven--Are you saying the OW/OM are better looking than the BS?? I hope I'm misunderstanding you because that certainly is NOT the case in all (probably not even alot) of affairs, maybe it was in yours, but I can say for certainty not all (or even alot). The guy I married had an affair with someone that had a huge gap between her front teeth to where you can stick a roll of nickels in (ok, a little exaggeration, but you can stick at least .20 cents in them there front teeth), and she has bags under her eyes to where she looks like she used brown eyeshadow Under her eyes. Another one that I saw a pic of is a heffer of an "escort". Saw her pic after I googled a phone number and she had a "service website" with her pic (don't know why in God's name she would put her pic on that site). Since he's a serial cheater, I have no idea what the other ones looked like, but I'm assuming I have to be better looking then some of the others...even the prostitutes (I mean escorts). Dont really give a shit who he's boinking now. If I understood correctly, don't assume the ow/om is nicer or more handsome.

justugh-no, you're not paranoid at all. Chances are he's not telling you everything.

Why is it so hard for them to explain?

Because there really is no good explanation or justification...

...and they know it...

Sending you support, JustUGH.

L~

Just,

Another reason it is so hard to explain is because sometimes cheaters believe in their heart of hearts that the truth will hurt worse than a lie.

Sometimes, the cheater is really going through some turmoil, know that he/she screwed up, knows that he/she did something ugly and wants to try to fix it, but simply doesn't know what the best course of action is at that point. So they simply try to soften everything.

If a cheater still loves his/her spouse, then it is generally safe to assume that he/she compartmentalized during the actual event and managed to cut off most thoughts about his/her spouse. However, when youre sitting on a couch in the living room face to face asking questions, there is no place to hide. And yes, the "damage" has already been done, but there is something so much more real about looking your spouse in the eye and telling them things that you know will shred their souls, even if it IS "true."

I'm sure there are also other people who simply are trying to keep affairs going or keep the lies going for personal gain and don't care about their spouse's feelings so much as protecting the comfort of their place in the marriage, but that isn't always the case.

Eva, I think you are spot on that some cs who are remorseful think they are "sparing' the bs the details, but also sparing themselves.. H and I discussed this early on and I flat out told him several times, don't try to spare me now, I want to know everyyything...

I have a different perspective. I think they dont want to talk about it because if you are rebuilding, they have to face the fact that the "relationship" wasnt what they imagined it to be. Its embarrassing to face the fact that OW wasnt their "soulmate" and they were foolish. Its a pride thing, male or female!

My H was cooperative and answered whatever I asked. At almost 2 years post d day, he still does.

I explained as best I could from start to finish. I searched my soul and still do to try to really understand what happened and why. Of course there are no real reasons that justify. That is impossible and you can't totally make sense of it. Again, impossible. Reading the books together helped and we still talk about it quite a bit.

one word sums up pretty much what everyone here is saying I think... ~SHAME~....sucks for them....

Becauce they are cowards to admit there was no reason!!!


At least not one they can explain, they just did it. Mybe for an ego stroke, maybe because they needed to feel like a man (or a sexy female).

Or maybe they just didn't give a damn and to hell with what could happen and then when the shit hits the fan all of a sudden they become remorseful when they see the true consequences of their selfish choices.

I have yet to hear an explaination that made me say wow now that I can understand and I see where your head was and how you thought it was the only choice you had.

COWARDS all of them!!

Sorry not in a good mood tonight and sick of "sorry" It just happened and I never meant to hurt you...yea that's why why it happened for months!!!

Sending you support, Desire!

L~