I go through this every once in a while too but you know what? They are liars. They cheated and they lied to get to that point and in most cases, they lie to cover it up and continue it. And then even when you give them the divorce they claim would make them happy, they still lie. She tells me she will let me know when she has answers but you know what? I can't wait around hoping for that. Besides, she opened up to the other man and told him about all the things that she felt she couldn't talk to me about, so why should I believe I will be the one to hear about it when and if she ever does figure it out? She has compulsively lied throughout the affair and she refuses to seek help for her issues and to figure out why she made this poor decision in the first place. She's his problem now, not mine, just like he is no longer your problem.

The questions you need to be asking are...

What do I want out of life?
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
What do I want in a future relationship? Do I want one? How can I ever trust someone again?
What will I not tolerate in a future relationship?

Its all about self-awareness and I bet if you look back into the marriage, you lost that at some point. I know I did.

You simply cannot wait on someone who is as dishonest as your X to give you these answers. And no one else really knows why for sure. They can share their story with you and try to give you some vague explination, but only he knows for sure. And that sucks, but it doesn't have to rule your life.

Be selfish, think about yourself.

BTW, there are men out there who don't cheat and are trustworthy. Even though I know it doesn't seem like it.

Oh Nicki, I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain! It is so hard to understand why, even after the tell you why they did, it will still hurt like Hell! I was totally were you are now, and now I feel better. I was also jaded about men/relationships but something slowly is/has happened/ing to me. I did and still doing alot of self discovery, like dad with hope said. I was kind to me and many nights I allowed myself to cry. It SUCKS! But you will feel better. Hang in there, I am sending you a great big HUG!

ugh its heartwrenching hon....ive been on my emo roller coaster all freakin week....i think about how he had me thinking that I was the one fuckin up the relationship...we were fine in march and then in june it was all downhill..picking fights out of absolutely no where...so now im figuring out that those good times with me were his "off" times with the OW...and evidently we were on "different paths in life", that was out of the blue as well...wtf is wrong with people? thank God for piniot noir...

oh thats an easy one. it all depends where the person stands morally. values and morals...plain and simple... you either have them or you dont. so youll either cheat or you wont.

What each and every one of you is going through is 'normal'...the pain is unbearable...At first, I thought like we all do..."Where had I gone wrong?"...He blamed it all on me...and in the beginning I believed that it was all my fault...The fact is, none of it is our fault at all...It's THEIR issues NOT ours...Mine apparently had a mid-life crisis (I think that's BS)and needed to feel he was still attractive to other women...It always puzzles me too...if you look around...they always leave us for someone 'less' than us...Mine left for a woman who has no morals at all...she would sleep with anyone who had a pulse...I never in my wildest dreams ever thought he'd ever be attracted to that kind of women...She isn't even physically attractive (has more wrinkles than my Sharpei)...When I questioned him on his 'choice' he told me she made him feel special...Getting back as to why they cheat...Something deep inside of them is lacking...they think 'another woman' will fill this void...boost their egos and make them feel whole again...In a lot of cases, men who have achieved their life's goals or ambitions early on, say late 30's early 40's...think what now?...I've got to the top of the ladder...home, wife, kids...where to from here? It is a very selfish act...they don't care who they hurt in their quest to make them feel good about themselves...Some say they cheat because they 'can'...women are always available and most don't care if the man or woman is married or not...The fabric of moral society doesn't seem to exist anymore...no value systems...These people don't fear God and that is where I believe it all goes wrong...

Thank you all for sharing. Although I don't feel much better today. Somewhere I know its not my fault. I just have no faith in my future to love again. And that scares me and pisses me the hell off. I gave my husband my whole heart and feel he took it from me . Now the scumbag and his whore are playing house. It makes me sick he basically threw me out on the street because he needed a home for his children yet he is never with them and is always with the OW.This is all drama I realize but how does someone do this.Where his morals? What pathetic father figure figure is he? Does he not have a clue how he hurt me and his kids. Is there karma? Will he ever know how i am feeling. Obviously he does give a shit. I think I am just still in shock that my husband would do htis to me. And i torture myself with finding out about the two scumbags.I need to get on with my life but I can't seem to put one foot in front of the other. Just venting. Thanks for your feedback.It helps a lot.

Hi nicnic
My opinion is that people have affairs because they are callous, cruel and selfish.
A

We never will get it, we just have to get over it and remember that morals are becoming less and less. That's just the way the world is turning. Marriage means very little to people anymore. Easy to get in and out of. Until it changes, I see it only get worse and DS getting heavier and heavier with users.

Just remember it's not you! It's our cheating spouse with the problem. All we have to do is be ourselves, with no shame and nothing to hide, we can be free of it. They can't and never will be. They have to live with the hurt of hurting someone they really loved. In my case, ouch, that has to hurt and I hope it does!

nicnicki - there's karma all right, but as said before, you can't dwell on that. Heal yourself, however you have to do that and you will be surprised what time and healing can do for you. Just a few months ago, I was swearing off relationships and love forever and now I know I was crazy to ever say that.

You will find eventually that it is better to live alone and happy than it is to be with someone who lies, disrespects and uses you.

Nicnicniki:

My ex had an affair because he was a morally bankrupt baboon. He had no conscious, he was selfish and obviously cared more about himself than anyone else. He was also shallow.


Before I REALIZED all of those things, and actually listened to his EXCUSES, here is some of what he told me on why he had an affair:

1.) Because she was very VERY VERY attractive. ( she looked like she got hit with the ugly tree, stuck on a branch on the way down and then drug for a mile down the ugly path. The only thing *I* would have stuck in her is a fucking bar of soap.
2.) Because I needed the attention. ( they make medicine for ADD. Try it)
3.) Because I haven't slept with a lot of women. ( then don't propose to ONE)
4.) Because she was real. Very real. ( nope, fake as shit and skanky... refer back to sticking soap in her LOL)
5.) Because she had a bubbly and outgoing personality. ( more like vagina)


heres one:

1.) I didnt pursue HER, she pursued ME. Give me some slack!

The list goes on. And my ex was sort of an exception. He was psychotic, big time. So there's a peek inside the mind of a narcissist.


In all due honesty, its because they lack what we have. We have the conscious. We have the guilt. We have the morals and pride. They don't. Or if they did, they lost it to their penises and vaginas.

I wish I knew the answer to those questions myself. I sit here and have been under the covers all morning crying asking again, why?. I have to pick up the pieces now with everything and they go on like nothing. I don't think I will ever get over it. Ever. I'm spiralling down and I know it but I cannot get myself together.

This post strikes a chord for me today. I've been asking her "why" all morning. She doesn't have an answer. At least not a good one.

As of 12 noon today, I will give her no more thought. None. I will finish the day at work strong and I will enjoy the show I bought tickets for this evening.

Good thread,

BA - liked the excuses shared. Rings true for mine too He had the damn opportunity, could only think of himself, no thought to consequences and still viewed me as a doormat. Rat bastard.

I truly think he lacks a moral compass - and I gave him to many excuses for selfish behavior even that didn't deal with the affair. He's basically insecure, wants to get the system before it gets him to prove is personhood (and the institution of marriage counts too).

Narcissism covers it all.

His excuse:

You made me do it . Yep, Sure I did -- I invited her in, said spread your legs and do him please, he wants it.

I guess I was lucky. I didn't stay in the blame myself stage for very long at all. It really does have absolutely nothing to do with the person who was cheated on. You could be perfection walking in every way and they still would have crossed that line. It is all about character and morals and whether you care what you do to other people or not. We don't understand it because we are not made that way. We can't fathom being so unloyal, so uncommitted and so heartless as to do this to someone we love. Even if I had fallen out of love with my ex I couldn't have done it to him. I have a heart and I cannot be happy at the expense of anyone else's pain. It isn't in me and it never will be. I am very, very glad about that too.
I will never have to look into the person I am with's eyes and wonder if they are telling me the truth, part of the truth or lying completely. I will never have to worry after "real life" sets into my relationship whether my partner will be looking for a new "best friend" because it is so much easier to talk to somebody new. Since both my ex and his skank turned away from their spouse's instead of remaining committed and working on the issues (we ALL have them)they will always have to wonder about the other. They will always have this nagging in the background. Their friends worry too. Afterall would you allow your wife to become "friends" with your wife when you know this is what he did when he left me? Would you be comfortable around his skank woman when you know her becoming "friends" with a married man didn't stop her from crossing every line that there was? No, I know for a fact the friends they do have are not comfortable around them at all. Any decent mature kind of human being would be. They have already proven to the world they ignore boundries and consequences and somebody they supposedly "love" and are "committed" to means nothing why would anybody else?
I look in the mirror and am happy. I like who I am better every single day. I did nothing to deserve this no matter what our issues were. Nobody deserves this ever. I remain true to myself and do not bash him or his skank anywhere but here. Here it is anonymous with no names or places. I am not hurting anybody directly or indirectly but I am able to get my anger and disgust out of me so that it doesn't eat me up inside. I have not then or now ever bashed either one of them to anyone we mutually know. I don't need to. Their lives and character underline and highlight exactly what they are lacking and it is plainly visible to everyone who knows or meets them. Except of course the people they lie to and they are so very good at that.
I like my life and I like me. What my ex did does bears absolutely no reflection on me at all. It is his insecurities, lack of honor and character and only his. He owns this one 100%. I don't even try to understand. I never will because it just isn't in me to be that way. It is the hardest thing to accept in the beginning but in time I think we all do. The only ones who can truly answer "why" are the cheaters and a lot of them will never face themselves long enough to ever be able to answer that.

WOW, newwomen, you tell my thoughts exactly. I once blamed myself to for her selfiness but, I know I didn't spend seven and a half hours in the mans bed and, I didn't hold a gun to her head to do it either. Nicnicniki, let not "YOUR" heart be troubled over "HIS CHOICE" and "HIS lame decision". Keep yourself right with you. Like Hope, and others have said "There are many men and husbands who are truly honest and trustworthy in their marriages, who knows what commitment is about, and above all "HONOR THEIR VOWS OF MARRIAGE"
prince