Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So my partner cheated 5 months ago and I decided to work through it. But I keep getting angry. I dont feel I have the right to be angry anymore. Its not helping anymore. I want to be with this person. Why can't I forgive them. I can't let go. I was hitting myself in the face last night to deal with the anger when I was drunk. I can't control it and my partner is getting emotinally hurt by my outbursts as I say insulting things I don't even mean. I love this person and im destroying it. She cheated, but since has done nothing but beg my forgiveness and do everything she can to prove she regrets it. I forgive her and trust her. But my anger keeps coming back when i feel we are close again. Its like i can't control it, like i won't let her be close becasue im protecting myself. I feel like a different person when im angry. How can i deal with this? I can't keep doing this to myself or her. I know my emotional punishment is too much now. its not fair. I don't want to be angry anymore.
She just wants it to be forgotten so we can move on, as do I. But its not a choice I can make to just flick a switch and not be hurt by what she did. The last few days I havent mentioned it and tryed to think about it myself and control my emotions.
Its actually getting better and I look forward to the day I can be comfortable. There is nothing more I can hear from her that will make it better. No details about it or reassuarance is going to make a difference, ive heard all I can.
I think time and control of my emotions is the key now. And being able to see that she is committed and I can just experience the person that I love. And not see the monster that I imagine in my head sometimes. Yes what she did was wrong but my imagination and jealousy create something worse in my head.
I look forward to the day I dont even think about it anymore.
thank you all so much for your supportive and helpful input.
You can't really control how you feel. Denying those feelings and ignoring them won't help. BUT: you can control what you do with them. Here were some things that helped me during my most angry/vengeful periods.
1) I would ask myself, "Is what I'm about to say/do productive or destructive?" So... yeah, I'm angry, but am I angry at the situation or angry at what my husband was currently doing? Am I just being snippy or am I going to offer up something productive and useful to make things better?
2) I'd ask myself, what do I need in this moment to be OK? Sometimes, I was mad because I was frustrated. I didn't need or want an apology I wanted, let's say, assurances that all efforts were being made to ensure it never, EVER happened again. Or I needed compensation... that is to say, I needed my husband to lay his soul bare and be 100% painfully honest, then to spend 2 hours letting me talk to him about stuff *I* wanted to talk about. It was hard to be so selfish, but it was important to figure it out - and to ask for it - in order to help set things straight. Sometimes I didn't know what I needed or wanted and the anger wouldn't simmer down, so I'd call a time out (or my husband would) and I'd just go be alone and practice breathing. Seriously. In through my nose, out through my mouth. Sounds stupid, but it helped.
3) STAY IN THE MOMENT. This goes for sad/mad/frustrated/disappointed/broken/bashed/beaten... you gotta acknowledge what IS and separate it from what WAS. Yes, my husband had sex with another woman and liedliedlied through his teeth. BUT IN THIS MOMENT... is he cheating? No. Is he lying? No.
This is super helpful for making it through triggers, too. NOW. Now is all that matters. You can't change the past. You can only HELP shape the future, and even the help you offer you only control minimally. Living in the present moment is so vital. It also helps if something is going on NOW that's pissing you off. For me, it was (for example) things like Huz not lying, but not disclosing everything. (Trickle truth.) Once I could identify that YES that IS going on right NOW... I could point it out to him and we could (see #1) figure out how to be constructive instead of destructive.
4) Cut yourself some slack but, as Wil Wheaton would say, don't be a dick. It's ok to be gentle on yourself, but it is NEVER ok to treat someone else badly. Never. I understand the impulse to yell or scream or even hit, but DO NOT do it. Call a time out. Step away. Go outside and take 100 or 1000 big breaths. I would literally be seeing red and would go lay down in the bathtub and just close my eyes and feel the cold of the tub around me and ONLY think about that coolness until my temper cooled.
5) Practice gratitude. Be thankful for what you have instead of hurting and angry over what you lost.
I hope some of these help you as they did me. They may not. Your journey is personalized to you. You will survive, though.
We all will.