To the CS’s that spoke up, thank you! My H still doesn’t forgive himself. This is something he will live with. Do we dwell on it... after 3 1/2 years not any more.
We did MC also. In some of our reading I found this...
First let's try to understand what forgiveness is. One illustration is telling a person who owes you $10,000 that he won't have to pay you back. You "forgive" the debt. In other words, forgiveness is eliminating a obligation of some sort.

But we generally don't think of money when we think of the need of forgiveness. Instead, we are concerned about inconsiderate behavior that has caused us great pain and suffering -- the pain that an affair causes, for example. Forgiveness in these situations means thinking about the person as if the offense never took place. That is extremely difficult to do. The offended spouse usually thinks, what can he or she do to make it up to me. How can I be compensated for the pain I've suffered.

To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

Why do the NEED to forgive themselves. They are not the ones who needs to do the forgiving... someday their BS may find it in their heart to forgive them... until then they can do everything in their power to not repeat the offense

Forgiven does not mean they do not have to face the consequences.

When someone murders another person and the victim's mother stands up in court and says she forgives him it doesn't mean he isn't going to do the jail time and pay restitution in civil court.

You forgive your spouse and treat them civilly and possibly remain the marriage. This essentially creates a further non-payable debt as your repay evil with kindness.

It creates an unequal power dynamic due to this indebtedness. However, if you truly forgive them you will not lord this over them. The truly repentant cheater will eternally appreciate this and spend their energy rectifying the brokenness and pursue goodness to support the betrayed spouse.

Why does a CS need to (eventually) forgive himself or herself? Because he/she won't be a whole, healthy partner otherwise and will stay in a place of shame and low self-esteem that is more likely to lead to poor choices and disconnection. A person who does not love themselves is not a person who can effectively love and support another person or be open and vulnerable. If a CS is in therapy, this will come up as part of their process.

Now, I don't think it's the BS' job at all to help the CS recover or be pressured into forgiving the CS. The CS has work to do.

Very much agree gravinggirl, BS does not need to help the CS to recover. But yes I do think that the CS does need to forgive themselves to be able to move forward and help becoming a different/better person and more important be able to help the BS heal. That said though its so hard to let go of the "grudge" that I feel as in "I want him to suffer as long as I do"

Our therapist gave me some new insight yesterday. She is really supportinve of BS, not CS, but has worked with a lot of CS. She suggested that as long as I keep him on a very short leash, yes I feel better cause I know where he is and that he cant cheat, but this is just controlling behaviour on my part. I need to let the leash loose a little so he can learn to make the right decisions on his own without me constantly controlling him. Also I cant truly heal as long as I keep him so short and control him our relationship cant move on to the next recovery stage.
She doesn't mean at all that I have to move on, but she sure has a point, but holy cow is it hard to let loose the leash :(

Dialogue is important. I've asked my wife if she feels the new arrangement to be suffocating.

Since we talk about the down times and the triggers she understand why I need these things right now and as such doesn't feel constrained because she knows that it helps me feel safe and promotes healing.

This being her primary goal, aside from personal growth, helps her see it as a positive thing.

I honestly don't check even a quarter of the time I did in the beginning in terms of her phone or whereabouts.

As the cheater grows and makes better decisions, suffers better, and is more authentic you will let the leash out slowly without even knowing you are doing it.