Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I read a lot on this site about how painful it is to stay in a marriage even if the spouse is truly remorseful, because we, as BS are so deeply scarred. I also read how painful and lonely divorce is. I wonder which situation is worse? Hard to say, I guess, since most of us only can provide one perspective. Does anyone wish they had made the opposite choice?
My H now may not be a cheater according to the standards of some. He betrayed my trust on more than one occasion, though he claims there was never anything physical. Like I would ever know? I do know that he was accessing porn, and doing other telecommunications things, an who really ever knows what else, that are totally unacceptable within the confines of a relationship with me. Perhaps not with someone else, but not with me. I will not tolerate even the suggestion of "I might not want to be here." I'd rather a person go...than stay with me if they're not sure I'm not what they want. Far too big a world, and far too short a life, for such peasly nonsense? Have a question of whether or not you want to be here with me, then please leave. End of consideration.
Because he showed great remorse and desire to men the relationship, I've tried to allow for restucturing the marriage; though I had serious doubts about all of it. He did seem truely remorseful, and apparently willing to change his behaviors. Most all of our communications have changed. Our relationship has changed greatly. As far as that is concerned it is better than it has ever been in thirty years of marriage.
However, here's the problem, as I shared, I doubted my ability to live within the confines of the marriage after being betrayed. And, I doubted my ability to trust again. I even more doubted my ability to re-engage in a fully-functional relationship with him. I find that though we get along fine. He is a far better person and husband than he has ever been, I just cannot seem to relate or even understand the romantic part of marriage any longer. It feels very strange to me that even though the companionship part of the marriage is better, I can't feel romantic about us. I don't feel comfortable sexually. And, I don't feel comfortable romantically.
So, I'm still not quite sure the decision to stay within the confines of marriage was a good thing for either of us. Marriage without romance seems very strange. It is a place I would never have chosen or even imagined of interest at a younger age. It is unfortunate that I discovered his behavior once again this late in life. A lot of the past is burned in my mind with a "don't ever think of it" sign. And, sometimes I feel that special kind of lonely that comes of lack of romance. So, though it is ok...it isn't what I ever wanted...and it isn't what I think it ought to be.
I had read that "you don't have to make a decision right away, let some time pass" thing. Well, that is true. I didn't have to make a decision right away. On the other hand, when my feelings are very keen and present seems like the time to listen to them? And, now, after five years has passed, it almost seems like "why bother?' I really am not traumatized any longer, not anxiety ridden, not depressed, not enraged, nor angry, nor even sad. So, time does cure that. But, what it has not cured is my inability to even believe in romance. Though, I'd have to say, that I felt far more alive and vibrant when I did.
So, the result in my mind at this time is...is it worth it? Maybe I'll never know.
So like L said, a lot depends on the CS, but also on your ability to heal, and if not, what might be blocking that, and can it be "fixed." Even if the CS does all they can possibly do, if the BS can't heal, it may not work.
If Gabi had not done what she's done, it is likely I wouldn't have felt our marriage had rebuilt to a vibrant state, and a good possibility divorce would be a choice on my plate. I've never ruled it out, but never felt a need to seriously consider it. A lot of that can be attributed to Gabi's efforts and healing. But also my ability to work through the loss and pain constructively, and find a path back to trusting.
Granted, I don't trust her like I did before the As. But I doubt I'd ever trust any woman like that again. That bubble has already been popped. Now I opt for a healthy trust, not a blind one. Thankfully, we've been able to rebuild a healthy trust and so naturally I'm glad we stayed together.
In my thought process, yes THAT bubble popped. By that, I mean the naive, blind trust, "it will be a cold day in hell before she would cheat on me" trust. As I said in my book, the cold day in Hell arrived. What I thought was a 0.001% chance of happening, happened. Because of that, I ignored red flag after red flag until one slapped me in the face hard enough to investigate. Even then, I didn't expect to find what I did.
No, I think I'm blowing a different trust bubble. A healthier trust. One more aware of the dangers. A trust that respects the "fire" of romance and allowing it to cross boundaries, and that it could happen to anyone, even my wife. Unfortunately, not everyone will get the opportunity to even rebuild a healthy trust over the years. So much depends on the CS doing what needs to be done, the severity of the violation, how strong the marriage was going into it, and yes, the ability of the BS to process the pain and navigate through the stages of grief successfully. So many variables, so many ways it can go wrong. Which is why the majority of times it will end in an unhappy or life-less marriage, assuming divorce doesn't come into the picture at some point.
But, my point is that the trust I had before the As was unhealthy. It didn't respect the power of the passion. Because I thought we were virtually invincible to having an affair, we allowed ourselves to become complacent, to cross boundaries. Because neither of us would ever cheat! She played with fire and got burned, because she didn't respect the fire.
In large part because not only did we have an unrealistic trust in each other, but in ourselves to never do it. Even in the midst of sex-texting her first AP, she told herself, "I'll never cheat on my H," even when in truth she was in the middle of doing just that. But she rationalized it wasn't cheating, just an "innocent game."
Great metaphor about the four flat tires. And we keep holding on because we think how much we loved this "car" and good it was to us at one time. Maybe lots of us should trade it in before we get to the ruined rims, but we are such optimists and can give up until there is zero hope!
I think I understand what you mean. I've read that it is never good to trust, or believe, that a partner will never cheat. And yet, it seems very difficult for me to engage in the feeling of being "in love" without the trustI once felt. I find I can love very much, but not feel that special kind of romantic love I once did. For instance, I love my daughter absolutely. I love my siblings. I loved my parents until they passed. I love my H that way too. I have been married to him so long he is like family. So, the love I have for him now is more "familial" than like a lover?
So, I think in my case that the lover kind of trust is very different, unique, and once it has been broken too much, it falters to a halt. The bubble of special trust broken. I did debate divorce vs marriage for long time internally because I suspected that line had been crossed. I hoped maybe things had stopped short of permanent damage. It appears to me now that it did not. Though I do know that, I'm not inclined to divorce unless he wants to. I just relegated romantic love to the past.
As far as the fire of romance, I'm no more immune than anyone else. There have been times in my life when someone tried to get to close to me. I don't allow that...ever. I don't for many reasons. The main one is that if I ever allowed such a thing I could never respect myself. And that, is far more important than any other relationship. I knew when someone was stepping beyond appropriate boundaries, and I stopped it. My respect for honor is more important than that to me.
My Hs behavior surprised me greatly. I think I made some serious errors in judgement. Likely most prevalent that I transfered my values, beliefs and boundaries onto him. I learned that he is not like me. In many ways that's likely a good thing. In the honor way it is not.
Now, had he taken a non-remorseful stance, or continued arrogant stance, things would have gone far differently. Though I was reluctant to lose everything, I would have left anyway had he faltered with his desire to apologize, change and restore what he could. So, like Cole shared, my Hs efforts played the greatest part in the continued marriage. He found that once discovered, he wasn't as willing to leave the relationship as he thought he might. Uh-oh!