I tried to stay but couldn't trust him again. It's very difficult to understand the why's. I think it's a lot more difficult to stay even with kids. It's so bitter and the fighting takes its toll on everyone. Divorced and love it.

Bemine,

I like what you said about it not being a mistake but a choice. Good t o think about. Sorry you had the pain agin, but you probably weren't ready till now to to face it. I fear mine will also relapse, and if so, sooner rather them later. Does that even make sense? Am i just waiting for him to relapse?

I like what deliAnnem wrote and I really second that:

"My point is, DO NOT stay for the kids. If you leave b/c of unacceptable behavior, you are teaching your children that there are some things that you do NOT have to put up with and you show them that self esteem teaches you to have a voice. Also, that there are consequences for poor choices."

Dear c,
Sorry you are at this crossroad. It is a terrible decision to have to make. Just understand, it may not have to be decided now. Do what your heart tells you. I tried to reconcile my marriage, but it broke up anyway. So hang in there, try your best, if it is not good enough, there is a better life for you ....you just have to believe it!

Wishing you guidance a s you navigate these awful waters. Life has a funny way of working out for the better!

Allow me to add more - realtionships in general are very complex.

At some point in time people will place demands on you for this and that. It's natural - give and take situation.

However, your spouse leaving the family home - whever she wants - to find happiness through crazytown - that is 110% completely unexceptable.

I would rather be on my own - let them figure out the grass is not greener - that they are not getting a better deal. Let them fully immerse themselves in happines via sin and see how that works out.

I had no choice. Ex preferred to drop me for his elder sexwprker, who then preferred to drop him. The money was gone....
Since then I have moved heaven and earth, after trying to heal for two years and am just freaked by what is out there in my age group.
I think I would just as soon be alone as settle for any of these remnants, at least so far. There is an amazing quality to the ones post 55 that I had to experience to believe. It is like a whole a different species. I wish I could turn the clock back, because five years later, it still feels like an amputation that my ex is gone....
My ex was a wonderful person before the stroke that transformed him, and I realize what remains of him is not the same man. That is such a strange and tragic outcome.
I recognize that I have no choice but to remember the good times I was fortunate to have. There won't be any more.
If you are older and have a partner you think you can work with, you might want to consider doing so. You won't believe how bad the choices are after a certain point.
Had my spouse wished it, would have given a second chance with all my heart. He ruined both our lives as far as I can tell.

I got divorced and that's one decision I know, from the bottom of my heart, was one of the best decisions I ever made. I know me, and I know I wasn't staying married to someone who wasn't putting in effort, or someone who could lie and hide so much when the "going got tough".

I have a child, and I will/would've been damned if I stayed in an unhappy marriage, sentencing myself to slow death, which only makes me not the mother I could be.

Nowadays, my son gets ME, and my good moods, my low stress, my energy, my happiness. He gets to see all of this great stuff about me when he's with me.

I also know getting divorced was my best decision because, when I became a "real" single mom, I didn't skip a beat...it only showed how little my EX did in all aspects of marriage and family.

Lastly, I have pride and dignity. I'm worth more as a human being and woman than being someone who gets mistreated and cheated on.

Excellent topic!! I really enjoyed reading everyone's experiences and opinions. Thanks everyone.

I am in the same dilemma you are cmonge. My DD was 24 days ago and I'm still confused about what to do. Like you said, divorce is very lonely and that is my problem. For me I don't see much hope for us, for this relationship to be the way I want and I think I deserve but I am terrified of the pain and loneliness the divorce can bring. Before I met my H I was single for many years and the last months before I met him I was very depressed and I'm terrified of the chance of this happen again. I'm being realistic and I know right now I'm not in a good position in my life where I will be able to cope with the pain and loneliness. I have no job, no friends and I don't think I can afford a divorce right now. What I've decided to do is work on things so I can be ready to leave and I told H that while I'm doing this I will give him a chance to try for R. So far things aren't going well for R though. He haven't come clean with the truth, refuses to talk about the cheating and even communicating with me. He is keeping his old behaviors and haven't shown enough that I can re-consider my decision to leave. I have decided that I won't have sex with him anymore and I'm limiting physical contact for my sanity and safety (I'm worried about STD since he was with a prostitute). I also think that he wouldn't care much if I leave. I'm basically now thinking of me and putting myself first and getting myself ready to leave if in this meantime he can really show and prove me that this relationship is worth it I can consider stay. Time will tell.

I am the CS. It's been 3 years since my A ended and it's been a long road for my H and I. A lot of the issues that were there in our marriage before I found an escape route are still there, kinda like last night's dinner dishes. They just sit on the counter getting more and more difficult until they get dealt with. No little elves come in and magically fix it, nor do counselors, or vacations in Crazy Town.

We've had lots of days in these 3 years where one or the other wanted to bail. We've also had the very real prospect of losing everything we've worked for together, as neither of us is in a position to manage financially on our own. So there's been an aspect of being stuck, for a lack of a better word, and realizing that as long as we're stuck we might as well keep working at this. If we build up our earning potential to the point where we can afford to separate, and in the meantime we develop the tools we need to make it together, then we win. And, if that doesn't happen, we go our separate ways under circumstances where we can both be happy knowing that our kids are okay, we haven't fucked each other over out of anger, resentment, what have you.

So, we're sticking it out, gathering tools, using the ones we've got, building what we can out of the scraps we have and, so far, it's turning out alright most days. Kind of par for the course in most marriages, some days are better, some days are worse.

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary and, for the first time in more than 10 years, we both are feeling like celebrating, without having to pretend or orchestrate, just being happy with where we are. It's nice. No pressure, just acceptance and being in the moment.

Splitting up would have been easier in some ways, but we would have missed an opportunity to learn a lot.

My husband cheated on me with multiple partners, I recently discovered. His longest relationship being 13 years. I have 4 kids and am in shock and horrified. I want to leave him although he refuses to give me a divorce. I can't see myself ever trusting him again, although their are many professionals out there that say life after infidelity is a much stronger bond.

Rosey

My H cheated on me when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. We both work for the same company and he cheated with a coworker. I was crushed, threatened to leave and he made all sorts of promises. Years passed, things were wonderful. We had another child and then 16 years later he has a break down and cheats again with another coworker.

He asked me if I blamed everything on him for our impending divorce and I do. I never cheated on him nor embarrassed him at our job. I thought we were both very happy and very compatible. Our children are nearly grown and I was so looking forward to the days we had just for each other.

Do I regret not leaving him the first time? No, because our children had a stable home environment. We did not fight or argue and got along great. So I am very happy they had that. Plus, we had a 4th child that we wouldn't have.

I truly believe some people are so insecure and if they are not happy within they have to look for someone to elevate them and bring them up. All of his brothers have done this as well. It really makes me sad for all of us who have to deal with a spouse like this.

I think he is willing to work things out with me (of course he is-I am a loving faithful spouse) but I am not willing to do it again. I do not hate him nor do I wish anything bad to befall him but I have to love myself more. I still very much love him and I tell our kids this all the time too. And sometimes I am mad at hell at him and still get caught up with who he is pursuing at work but I have to stop myself and talk myself down from the ledge or crazy.

I give it up to God. For alone He has the answers and that is also how I let my anger go. I give it to God and give Him glory for all the blessings He HAS given me. I wish you all love and blessings.

Above response really gets to me because it is my kids and what I put them through not meaning to in the end that will decide for me what to do now..and for the first time in28 years..I am seriously considering leaving and legally ending what really wasnt a 'marriage' in the first place. My regrets arent so much about staying or divorcing but what DeliAnnem now so painfully describes,,just what it cost her to have parents who couldnt get it right and be the role models needed.When i knew years ago things werent right, I knew I would leave no stone unturned to get it right...if there was a way...I would find it..my belief in "marriage ' was so strong. I actually believed all along the way that my kids would benefit somehow from my dedication to trying to sort it all out. I totally never accepted just how painful their lives had become for them living in our home all those years(I knew of my own inner pain ). In the end if I do go the divorce route , even late as it is, I know somehow they will get the right message from me fianlly..that you dont accept the unacceptable. All I ever can do for my kids now is ask for them to forgive me for what i put them through by not accepting years ago the writing that was clearly on the wall..in the end it is very important to me that i know I did everything i could do to make my marriage work...to try to keep our family together..and in the end if we end up divorced, that is exactly what i know now I did...but to do so..for so long..and at what cost to yourself and your children may be the lingering regrets I now have. I already know if I end up divorced there will be no regrets about my life with my h..except where it concerns my children. They were the innocent bystanders , thrown in a war zone for years, they were the ones who trusted their parents totally and were so dependent on us to provide all they needed. We failed them..and I cant even blame it all on my h though much of the pain came from his behaviors... I needed to wake up a long time ago..even if reconciliation and repair is in the cards for my marriage(doubtful on that)..the damage to my kids is now forever..people become damaged and changed forever in a war zone....that is my regret..being a part of creating it..and staying in it for years...not leaving early enough when it would have been much easier to do for me (no financial way out right now ..so dependent on h)...but I dont plan to have any further regrets in next 10-20 years..going to find a way out of this hell...no regrets leaving that behind.

LL- don't be too hard on yourself. I'm only on this board because NOW my mom's cheating on my dad and I had to overhear her say to another man I don't know that she loves him when she was on the phone, thinking somehow, nobody could hear her. I never heard my parents say anything like that to each other growing up.

Silver lining is, after a good 15 years of a crap adult life, I finally found what I THINK is a great man (reading the stories on hear, I'm sure that's what everybody thought). But given the fact that he is whom I think him to be, it's been worth all the frogs to find my prince.

I now know what it is I have found and work very hard to take care of my marriage. I lived through the consequences of a lousy one as a kid, so I treasure him every day. I don't know if I'd be that way had I not seen so much turmoil growing up. It taught me not to take my husband for granted.

And now that I have finally developed some self esteem, I'll be damned to revert back to my childhood. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

You want to feel better? Go to your adult children and apologize and listen to them. Let them rant and rave and say "I know. I'm sorry. You deserved better. I wasn't able to do that back then. It's my fault. But I'm trying to make things right now." And make sure you do all the steps in the right order.

My Mom got it all wrong and STILL thinks she did nothing wrong. She was a good mom... blah blah. Guess what mom- licking the wounds my father caused me was NOT being a good mom. If she just admitted her faults, I could deal with it. Which is why I'm not angry at my abuser (Dad) as much as I am my mother. At least he's (somewhat) seen the light and said the words I needed to hear.

You can't make the past right. But you CAN make the present. It'll be okay! : )

To stay or to go, that is the question....I filed for divorce from my abusive 1st H, it was hard as I believed once married always married....but I could not have brought children into a relationship where the H/father would be verbally and physically abusive, and yes there were red flags to alert before we married but being 19 and ready to conquer the world, "I was going to help him change into a better man", and my second h filed for divorce because he wasn't happy, he wanted to marry his 7th grade fantacy girlfriend, and I put everything I had into my third marriage, spoke all of my fears, told all of my heart secrets, all of my dreams, thought I had done the work to safe guard my marriage from his past(unfaithfulness)to be finally in a mature (we were in our 40's when we married)loving committed, faithful long time grow old relationship....only to find out he lied and betrayed me and my final trust....we are together 1 year later but logic tells me I will never get over the details and he is already over it, and wants everything back the way it was before, as if it did not happen, BUT IT DID, SO....what is the answer, the jury is still out on this one, deliberation can take a long time, still weighing the evidence and deciding what the punishment is to fit the crime

I am the new kid on the block so need to add my voice here again.DeliAnnam,have no worries...one thing I was very good at doing was having many many heart to hearts with my kids AS they grew and lived in our crazy house. I have never been anything but apologetic, honest, truthful and responsible in all this and all 3 know that and I have amazing relationships with all 3 due to that.Regrettably for my h, he is the one who has refused to own up to his wrongdoing and part in everything and couldnt have an honest conversation with his kids about any of what he did so he now finds them(two for sure) turning more and more away from him as every years passes.I have lovingly reminded him of the very thing you speak about many times over the years (being honest with them and allowing them to share their feelings with him whatever they are) for years as a way to help them accept him, try to forgive him and feel more trust in him.To this day he can not open up that line of communication with them because anythingdeeply felt (their feelings or his ) is beyond his ability to speak about or allow them to say to him,.and of course the more he blocks their attempts, and the less responsible he acts about what he did and still does, the worse he makes it for himself with them and he still doenst get that (they have eyes and ears and have their own memories of how he treated me..and though initially he tried VERY hard to keep his abuse of me covered up to the world...these little kids grew up to start speaking about it all and it came as quite a shock to him to realize that they too had a real problem with how he treats me.. I think in his twisted mind (all abusers are sick and twisted in some manner in my opinion)..he actually thought he wasnt abusive..that I was having reactions to nothing (all abusers try that line..abuse you ..then make it seem like you are making a big deal out of nothing)..it was definetely NOT nothing...and as the kids grew, developed their own voices and opinions and started sharing them honestly...about how he was treating me time and again..it came as quite a shock to him to have to accept that they too backed what I had been saying and standing up to my whole life here...to this day he remains unrepentent and I have stopped trying to help him become closer to his kids..I knew they needed his honesty..but lets face it..honesty isnt a very well respected trait for cheaters...so well ..I am at a point where i did all i could do with this and have to concentrate on where i get to next...and as far as you hearing your mom on the phone cheating...sorry you have to go through that..horrible stuff...for myself...much as i have every reason to do so..I have never and will never cheat on my h..it is not in my soul to be like that... I may leave him...but will not be in another partnership with anyone until and if i am on my own again.I find your views quite interesting and a bit sad on how you hold your mom responsible and are even madder at her for your dad abusing you..I have same story..same past..in my story it is a bit different..My mom didnt even try to" lick"anything ..let alone hug us or talk to us or cry with us etc etc(at least your mom tried to help you out..you should give her credit for doing so.it showed she cared about you a lot )..mine allowed her kids to be put in harms way to save HER from his abuse..not a good idea in my view..and I dont hate anyone but come close to hating my mom for what dads abuse did to me and one brother in particular...in my view..she was a COWARD..and SELFISH...and of course is the very reason I HAD to stand up,,speak out.(.then yell/scream when that didnt get him to listen..which is the point I turned out twisted too) ,,etc etc when I married and second time in my life I found myself with an abusive man. I have not been able to figure out WHY I didnt LEAVE...That I am working on now.
To the original poster of this thread (sorry..cant figure out how to go backwards here to find your name)..it may seem to you we have gotten off topic with all ths children discussion..but for some of us with kids it is a HUGE part of the stay or leave decision and just as huge in the regrets /no regrets outcome, so maybe there are some reading all this and gaining some insight into their lives from doing so. I do know I am wordy and have gone here long enough but feel I need to reply to some of your comments in this post . First..I for one..do NOT feel your asking too much or that it is unrealistic in what you are looking for in a partner..I have deep views on how our world turned a gigantic 360 degrees between the 60's and the 80's(deeply confusing some of us born early years).What was considered normal and was bred and taught to us as young women back then (60's) by both example and by views taught to us directly (words books etc, even schools) suddenly by the 80's became very "outdated" and (so called)backwards in that decades teachings..Gone by the 80's was the times when a young woman was considered a great success IF she found a mate just as you described (does this suggest your own background?.what decades you were most influenced by?)..and it seems to me that just because it is much more hip and modern now to buy into the themes of 'independence' 'non-codependent' etc..just because that is so prevelent and relevant now to so many..doesnt mean the 'old fashioned' cant also still be relevant and right for some of us still hanging on for dear life to some olden day rules about how a man should treat a woman (and visa versa of course)...am i suggesting that females should run back into the kitchen and quit their careers..hell ..no...there has been much to be gained from freedom for women (in particular)..but I also feel strongly that todays men could take a lesson or two from the olden days men who were often much more gentlemen like, more supportive and responsible to their wives and families and in general had finer qualities then we are seeing out there in men these days.(isnt that just what i am hearing here? how rare it is to find a committed wonderful honest, loyal, kind man 'these days"..and I am sure the same very well is true of females as well)...and i believe that is getting truer all the time.and quite frankly if those are the qualities you admire in a man, go for it!.To each his own..there are some who admire just what you describe (and who knows how many for fear of being chastised just as you were, wont admit that anymore in this modern day when it is considered 'codependent" to think so.).I read the damn books on this...sure anyone can go too far with anything..but in my view...if we are all meant to be so damn independent..what the hell do we need relationships for at all!!! I think it is a thing of pure beauty when each partner looks out for the welfare of the other person...when each partner gets up every day and says to them selves"just what can I do today to make my spouse happy today?"..god if we all did that imagine what a better place wed all be in right now.I say there are many modern ways of living that work..BUT I still believe there is much about older attitudes that would guide many people in the right direction if they were used more often...or if they had of been exposed/influenced to some of them (but more and more that is not the case anymore)..everything is about the 'self' in this age and quite honestly that can and often is a slippery slope to 'selfishness' if carried too far...and put too high up on a pedestal...or valued too highly to the exclusion of the welfare of others.
Lastly..on the topic of "anger"...I too would caution you to take stock of that in yourself.It is not just hard on you..it it is DEADLY..so hard on the body/mind etc.I trust you are aware of its risks? But in saying that I must say that I feel anger is a feeling like all feelings..there to tell us something we need to know about ourselves.. it comes to us for a reason..from where we have been ..or what we have witnessed..or from wherever..and its purpose is to GUIDE us where we want and need to go next.We can get stuck in the problem of only being able as humans to accept what we call our 'good ' feelings (happy., joy, love,etc)..and so many find it hard to accept and allow ourselves to feel the "bad" ones and avoid , stuff, deny these..anger of course being one of them.I wont tell you to not feel angry. You have so many reasons to be angry how could I do that? I just read only a few sentences of your stroy here and am I ever angry at what happened you and I dont even know you!.let alone lived through all that(and more i dont know about yet)..you would be inhuman NOT to be angry about this.and I have told you already.it is YOUR timetable ..no one elses to work your way around and out of that..No one should rush you or force you or try to get you to go where you are not ready to go yet.There is a reason you cant let go of anger yet..and wise for you to figure it out..
I'm done..thanks for listening all.