IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TO BE A WIDOW, WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, LIKE 2 STRANGER, WILL DIVORCE HIM WHEN I HAVE DONE WHAT I HAVE TO DO, ALL THESE YEARS I STAYED WITH HIN, BELIEVING THAT AT LEAST HE HAD BEEN FAITHFULL, BUT HE WAITED 30 YEARS OF CRAP MARRIAGE, VERBAL ABUSE, CONTROL, LETTING HIS MOTHER TORMENT ME, AND GOSSIP ABOUT ME AND HIS FAMILY, AND IT TURNED OUT HE IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT,A LIER THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND HE ALWAYS WAS SHOCKED WHEN HIS FRIENDS DID IT AND DIVORCED..
I TRIED TO LEAVE HIM TWICE , I WAS SO UNHAPPY WITH HIM, I MARRIED HIM BELIEVENG IN LOVE, IT TURNED OUT HE CHANGED AS SOON AS WE GOT MARRIED, IT WAS SEX GRATIFICATION FOR HIM, AND UNHAPPINESS FOR ME..
AND NOW THAT I WAS CHRONICALLY ILL, HE TELLS ME THAT HE HAD COMMITTED ADULTERY WITH HIS 'EX' , I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ONE, AND HE SAYS, YES I LEFT HER BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, WHAT KIND OF MAN DOES SUCH A HEINOUS ACTION, OH, SHE WAS MARRIED, AND HER HUSBAND WAS IN JAIL, THEN HE IS WORRIED THAT HE COULD HAVE CAUGHT AIDS, I FELT LIKE KILLING HIM, BUT I HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT NEEDS ME**
SUCH HUMILIATION, TO GO WITH HIS EX, I HAVE NO FEELINGS ,ONLY DESPISE HIM, AND REGRETS, I SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM A LONG TIME AGO, AND FIND REAL LOVE, NOT THIS LIER..
LOOK AT YOUR SITUATION, DON'T BE SCARED , I WISH I WAS HEALTHY AND ALONE THAN WITH HIM IN THE HOUSE,I ALWAYS HOPE THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE AND I WILL BE ABLE TO LEAVE, ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE, LOOK AT YOUR FEELINGS, DON'T MAKE YOURSELF ILL, I DID BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE I PUT UP IN THE MARRIAGE AND ALSO MY FAMILY ABUSE, I WISH I HAD DISAPPEARED FROM THEIR LIVES YEARS AGO..
LOVE L***

I divorced and am pretty glad for it. I know others have reconciled and are happy with that too. I think it only depends on how straight your spouse is being with you, if they are willing to do the work, if they are loving you enough and regret enough what they did to make it right.

...in other words, if they are worth the fight for the marriage or not. And that is something that you know and no one else does.

Sending you support, L~

I tried to work it out. After three months I realized that no matter how remorseful or open he was...I still knew in my heart that I would always question his whereabouts and was he wishing he w as with her or did he buy another disposable phone....constant worry for those 3 months. I lost 15 lbs in that time. I felt I would always wonder and I didn't want a marriage like that...I knew in the back of my mind this "wondering" would always be there. I filed for a divorce....which is very painful but it won't be a forever feeling like it would be if we stayed together. That's just my thoughts....

Forgot to mention that after he moved out him and his gf Are renting a house together 2 weeks after.....so I know I made the right choice.

I stayed and tried to reconcile. It was a mistake. I regret not divorcing him when I found out about him. However, I didn't have a crystal ball and time is the only thing that shows whether you make the right decision.

I've stayed. It's been almost 4 years. I'll never trust my Wife again. I think there may be a lot more that has gone on that I don't know. It just depends on your spouses actions. Leaving for me would be a lot more stressful than staying. Especially since there is a child involved. Although he is not the only reason I have stayed. It's like you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

Interesting topic. I initially seperated due to years of a crappy marriage that I knew was filled with lies. Just didn't know the details as he spent those years denying. When I kicked him out after a blow up fight I felt this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I felt light as feather and able to focus on the rest of my life with the 3 children still home. I was dealing with a major health problem with my youngest and not having the bad marriage and strain in my face every day was actualy good.

Then a few months into it my H realized he was really losing me. He knew he needed to come clean to even stand a chance of reconciling. And he did. His admissions were shocking and way beyond what I had imagined.

He begged for a second chance and did absolutely everything I had been asking for all those years. It was a very painful road to rebuild. I lost hope often and hit some bottom times but now I can say 3 years later I'm so happy that I agreed to rebuild.

My initial relief when I first seperated was due to years of preparing for that choice. I felt he was never going to reveal his lies and that I had no plans of growing old with a liar. It was in my mind, just a matter of time. I spent years in pain agonizing over all of my suspicions and the affect it had on our relationship.

The rebuilding is hard work but as others have said thought so many posts here, the cs must must must be remorseful, open, and willing to take full accountability for their actions for a rebuild to even be possible.

Pink

So far I am still here but I know I will never trust him again.I always wonder how can I live like this for the rest of my life? I know he loves me and felt nothing for the ow but it doesn't help.,I don't feel safe anymore.It sucks for both of us.

I stayed and it's been 3 years and I've pretty much regretted that decision ever since I made it. I've come to the conclusion that infidelity ruins the relationship you are in and the reason I believe that is because you never fully trust that person again. Actually I'd be happy if there was a quarter of that trust but there isn't.

The transparency thing is kind of a farce in this electronic age. They can give you all the passwords and leave their phone and computer available but there are disposable phones and accounts that can be made in secret and computers at work. Sure, you can do things like install key loggers but that puts you in the role of marriage police and it's a role I'm not willing to take on...just not worth it. I don't check up anymore because I simply don't care and I simply don't trust. Can't have a decent relationship without trust so I'm lining up the ducks.

Some people will say that 'it's better to dance with the devil that you know" or "if you get together with someone else they could cheat" but I say I'd rather take what's behind door number two and start over with a clean slate. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and he's already shown me he can cheat. It's a bad gamble IMHO.

I'm sure divorce won't be easy but I separated from him a couple of years ago in my head so hopefully that will help me with the transition.

I'm a child of parents who stayed in a crap marriage. In the 70s when people whispered the word "divorce" because it was such a taboo, I'd PRAY my parents would split up... or that my dad would die in a car crash. Not cool for a good little Catholic girl.

It took me 30 years of destructive behavior, therapy and learning how to have a relationship to get over it, since I never had a good model growing up.

My point is, DO NOT stay for the kids. If you leave b/c of unacceptable behavior, you are teaching your children that there are some things that you do NOT have to put up with and you show them that self esteem teaches you to have a voice. Also, that there are consequences for poor choices.

Just my take on it.

I agree with L, it depends on the person and how much "weight" they can carry with them on this. I stayed to try to work on marriage, but found out 8 months later and after marital counseling, that the affair never ended. I chose to divorce but stayed in our house together for the next three years, until it sold. Really bad choice all the way around.

I agree I could not get out of the back of my mind where he was or why he wasn't home. That is NO way to live.

I agree with everyone else on here. Such great advice.

1st time - I stayed and tried to work it out. I never trusted him but I was scared and loved him and ok, maybe a little part of me wanted to show her that I would win him back and I did....what did I win?

Affair #2 - after that, I left. We are now divorced.

Both ways are hard, but at least this way I KNOW he will NEVER do that to me again.

I have gained so much more from leaving: independence, respect from my friends and family again, especially my daughters.

Nobody can make this choice for you and we shouldn't sway you. You are the only one that knows, however, I am here to tell you that no matter what? It is gonna hurt like hell

Hugs

I stayed. He would have been classified as a serial cheater. I stayed after the first affair in 2005 although it was difficult to trust and my love had been waning but I couldn't picture life/family without him. It was a long road to healing and feeling close again, but when I eventually got there and was willing to move the relationship to anaother level, I discovered the 'second' affair in 2010 which was worse than the first. It seems he hit rock bottom this time and was disgusted with himself. After over a year's separation, counselling and lots of soul searching for him, I allowed him back in. It's been almost a year now and no regrets so far. He is repeatedly remorseful and excited about rebuilding the marriage. He makes himself accountable about his whereabouts and all he talks about is a life with me that is better than we ever had. I keep my eyes and ears open for any evidence of his 'backsliding' but nothing so far. I have not plunged right in with my whole heart and everything but at least we are friends. Not bad so far.

I think it depends on what the cheating spouse is doing. Is he or she really remorseful? Are they willing to go to counseling and completely understand the pain they caused and their character flaws that led to this?

I stayed with my ex for several years after the first affair. I wouldn't say he was necessarily at all remorseful. In fact, he was still maintaining a subscription to a site for meeting people to sleep with. After all, he met many "friends" on that site and he still wanted to be able to connect with them. (how is that for a lame excuse?) I do not feel any real work was done to help this marriage. Years later, after getting him to confess to a second affair, our marriage ended. Both the years of staying and the divorce were painful.

If he had been truly remorseful and willing to put in work, I think there could have been some hope for the marriage. Yes, both leaving and staying are difficult, but, you can grow no matter which one you choose. You can come out of this a better and stronger person no matter what happens. You will eventually find hope again.

Wow.. this was a great post for me to read right now! I was on this group about 2 years ago after discovering yet another affair by my husband. We separated for 5 months. Eventually he worked his way back in by going to counseling and a recovery program and saying all the right things. I really struggled with it because the trust is gone but I think I wanted my family so bad and a stable home for my 3 kids that I took the risk again..
Then 2 years later.. your mind starts screaming at you to open your eyes.. Just one check on his phone and of course he is in another affair. For 7 Months!! I think I wanted it to work so bad and fear divorce so much, that I had just turned a blind eye. Of course he says it was a mistake. You don't make a mistake for 7 months, you make a choice. I told him when we reconciled last time that I would divorce him if he did it again. Now I am forced to follow through. I know enough is enough but it is still so hard. Like many of you said, it is a crappy choice either way. I have to realize that even those he says he loves me, that is not love. You cannot treat someone you love with no regard. It is vey tempting to stay because I live a very nice life and am secure. All that will be gone but I will have self respect. I hope my kids will be ok.. I hate to do this to them but if I am strong they will be to.. I have to go back to the status I posted 2 years ago.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us"
Thanks for letting me vent :)