Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I don't come here often anymore, because I've moved along in my life a year after learning of my H's affair. Sometimes, it just makes me so sad that I leave the site feeling depressed. And I've had too much of that feeling. But I do want to say that a lot of us -- most of us -- have to stop investing our emotions in people who are not emotionally mature. I said this on someone else's post, but it's worth saying again -- we have to lower our expectations of these people if we are going to stick with them. They are, in the words of Jennifer Anniston, missing a sensitivity chip. It will never be our place to help them find that chip, becaue they're not interested in finding it. They don't believe they're broken, so they don't know what the big deal is, and why we feel a need to fix them. So, as much as possible, we have to fend for ourselves here and stop investing emotionally in people who just don't want it. We have to embrace our independence and go after what it is in life we need to be happy. You'll be surprised at how much your life improves and how quickly the other person starts feeling insecure! Yeah, the 180, but not for a reaction, for a new lease on life!
When you think about it, this is still HIS problem, not yours. Was he Mr. Rogers every day? No. I think dissatisfaction with this reality is due to some skewed perspective of what a wife/husband and married life are supposed to be. Does that mean we can't identify things we can do better? Of course not. But, despite my flaws and the mistakes I made, the unhappiness that led my husband to act distructively came from within him, not some condition created by our marriage or the things I did wrong. I really don't believe, in most cases, that one marriage is more vulnerable to an affair than another. I think it has to do with the coping mechanisms of the cheater alone. I am glad you are embracing the new you, because that's what's going to make you okay no matter what happens.
T&C, I think you are having problems with this because you are, for whatever reason, not able to define and/or keep your boundaries. It seems you are valuing the relationship over yourself. Your IC should be helping you come up with a plan for defining what you need to do for yourself and sticking to it. Identifying childhood issues, sources or reasons for your particular behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms can be enlightening, but I read something very helpful that makes a lot of sense....identifying these issues only serves to explain things, but it does not offer a solution. What you need is action-oriented solutions, ways to get you where you want to be.
All the charm in the world is not going to get you what you want from this man. He may say sweet things, but what are his ACTIONS? What are your requirements for reconciling the relationship? Is he meeting them? How long will you continue to wait for him to do so? You need to answer these questions and then abide by your answers. Otherwise you will be stuck here indefinitely. Personally, I'd have him served. I believe that may be the only way you'll know with this man.
I did have him served as the only way I could get him to move out of the house. He refused to hire a lawyer, negotiate with me on a settlement or go thru the divorce itself. I was not about to pay more money to fight with him. As long as we are married what is his is mine.
I am working on finding a new IC. Hard to find one that accepts my insurance that has come highly recommended referrals and/or getting an appointment that is not 3 months out!