I agree with you totally, I am in a similar situation to you, it has been 10 months since the A, in that time I have fought tooth and nail to keep my marriage together, but I'm happy to say, it didn't work. I have been 'single' for 2 whole weeks and totally loving it. I am finding 'me' again, I actually didn't even realise I'd lost me, until I had no husband to give so much attention too.
Everyone's situation is different, for those still in love, fight all you can if it's worth holding on too. For me, I fell out of love because of what he did because I couldn't help taking it as a personal insult, which of course it wasn't, but at the end of the day I knew I would never do it to him becuase I loved him so much and I kind of expected the same back.
Being on this site this far down the track is hard, and I have to take breaks from it. However, I remember the cruel pain involved, and when I was in that space, total strangers came out of nowhere and helped me with their advice, so I come back on from time to time to help others, like you all helped me.
Just remember people, it WILL get better, just keep an open mind and accept that it may go either way. Sometimes, just sometimes, you might realise that the 'other person' has actually done you a favour.
Good luck.

This is why I like DS so much, seeing people find the strength to move forward into the great unknow, despite their fears. Thank girls, I am inspired.

I just believe that if you don't want to continue getting your feelings hurt and you realize that this person is not going to change at their core, you have to disengage emotionally on some level. The elephant can leave the room, because you're not still distracted by it. You have your own interests. And you let him/her know through your actions that you are no longer playing the "aha! I caught you!!!'' game.

I totally agree. Great post!

So many times, we set ourselves up. In expecting something from somebody that they just don't have or can't find within themselves. We stand there and ask, ask and ask again. 'Why can't you be what I need you to be???'

Some just can't. Or won't. Doesn't matter. The key, for me, was accepting that I could expect nothing. So, I adopted a 'expect nothing' stance and moved out.

Great post...L~

Wonderful post thanks!! I am in the process of trying to emotionally detach after 17 months. He wants to reconcille but on his terms. Why can't we just get back together but don't talk about what happened? Resolve the issue without him having to do any work on himself or. Ugh!
I had a dear DS friend ask me today that when he tells me he is afraid he is losing me and I am moving on or asks if I found another man, is it out of his insecurity or is it his way of not doing the trust building steps (one very important one he has not done) in case he does lose me and he can fall back on her? I am disengaging and trying to stop all the madness of trying to figure him out and busting my butt to hang on to someone who will not take a look in the mirror and face himself.

Hmph,you said something about lowering expectations if you deide to stick with them but I have a question!Do you really want to stay with someone whom you have to lower your expaectations of in order to stick with them?To what ends?And don't you think that that lowered expectation of them gives them an excuse to act like an asshole?Iam sorry!Iam better than that and deserve to be with someone who I can trust and don't have to look at and say "you are a pathetic worm" because if Iam looking at them thinking that,what does it make me for staying?And you are forgeting one thing,Jennifer Anniston LEFT the person who was missing the "sensitivity chip" in her life-even though it was Brad Pitt(DAMN! AND HE IS HOT AS ALL HELL!)

Good one mickimom, Brad Pitt is hot as hell. But.. bottom line, his cheating ass had to go.

I agree totally! Why in the world would I even consider staying with someone who (1) cheated on me and (2) I have to now lower my expectations because he can't give me what I need?

I don't see how that helps me on any level.

Guys, thanks so much for your responses.
For me, staying with the H has a lot to do with keeping my family together. I don't have the same connection to him as before and it won't change. My daughter, who was 13, had a breakdown when she thought we were divorcing last year. She begged me to stay with her dad, saying that her friends who have divorced parents have lousy lives because they live in two different places. I guess having grown up with parents who were married 43 years, until my dad died, had a lot to do with my staying. BTW, she found out because she saw that I had done some Internet searches on divorce laws in Georgia.
Back to the point that I was trying to make -- I'm here because my H has made lots of changes, and works hard to do his part. For the first time in our marriage, he asks me what I need. He doesn't get that I really don't have a need for a lot from him emotionally right now. I don't need anything from anyone emotionally right now. I'm working on me. It's time. And for him, the changes that I am undergoing have left him scratching his head. He's wondering why I'm not sad, or having a meltdown. I just don't have the tears anymore, nor am I willing to use my energy doing anything that will have a negative result. The more I fret and feel bad, the more control I give him. So, it's not going to happen.
Also, guys, since I'm a work in progress, it doesn't mean that I won't decide to just squash this marriage eventually. I'm just not there yet. It's like the line from the movie, "The Family that Preys.''It goes, "Are you living? Or are you existing?'' I've had enough of existing. I'm living. And it feels good not to be at the beck and call of a needy bastard -- because that's the trick for narcissists. They try to make you think that you're the desperate one, when really, they are. Everything they do is a result of their own insecurities. They use cheating to validate their worth because they don't want to face their own miserable choices in life. So, they project that insecurity onto people like us, because it keeps us under their thumbs.
Understanding the psychology of all of this, I sometimes feel sorry for my H. He had a very rough life, growing up. It was the perfect recipe for his narcissism. While that's no excuse for adopting the mindset that he could treat people any way he wanted, I have to keep that in mind, and hope that one day he will come to terms with the mess he has left behind.
But that's not my fight. My focus is on making me the best person I can be. Life is short. I don't want to waste another minute of it beating my head against a wall.

"WOW" Thank you Hmph for the post! It has hit home on alot of things for me.

You're welcome. I was so worried that that wouldn't make any sense.

I agree completely and your post does make sense- alot of sense.

I did pretty much the same thing that you are doing. During an argument with my ex one time, I shut down. Nothing he said matter. Nothing I said matter. Therefore, I was completely wasting my time. I looked at him in pity- he was emotionally handicapped, and arguing with him was like arguing with a two year old little boy. From that moment forward, I pretty much considered him a two year old little boy.

He showed me absolutely NO remorse for what he had done to me, to me. He showed me not one real genuine tear. All that was spoken to me loud and clear was "I MATTER. YOU DON'T, ANGEL." That wasn't acceptable to me, and when I looked around and seen that my every beck and call was at the feet of this obvious narcissistic, I knew "I" had to change.

We can't change anyone. We can't make them care.
We can only change us- for us, for the better of US; but not for them.
I can understand the whole kid thing as well. I will tell you this though....

kids or not- there is only so much longer that you are going to be able to tolerate being there- even so much as having him in your presence. After a while, when I emotionally turned my back on my ex, I ALMOST looked back. I had- somehow or another, come completely comfortable in needing nothing for him. I got "used" to that way of life, and was more than happy to continue to live that way.

It was then that I decided to leave. I set out to change, and I did.... but I almost lost myself again.

Just watch out for the inner voice that tells you "HEY. YOU CAN MAKE IT ANOTHER YEAR!"
Sometimes, you just cant

Hmmph you most of the things you shared in your last reply is very similar to me and my H as well. For the first time I am looking at me and what I need to do for ME. I have some questions I would like to ask you. Can I PM you on the email here?

Sure, tired, please PM me. I'll be happy to talk to you privately. We're all trying to get through this with our dignity and self-respect.

Betrayed, you're so right. I know that the tide can turn and I can be like, "I'm outta here.'' And I believe that when that happens, I'll be ready to go. I feel really liberated now, because I'm not putting myself in the position to be gaslighted and manipulated like before. I have experience in this area. If you can read some of my earlier posts, you'll see how I disposed of an ex-boyfriend who I saw passionately kissing another woman. Well, my instincts kicked in and I simply waved at him when he came up for air. It was over for me. I had all the power. There was no screaming, no hair pulling, nothing. In fact, I never made a move in their direction. He came over to me with his tail tucked. And I non-chalantly told him that it was rude to leave his date. I completely changed the game on him. Afterward, when I'd see him out, I'd casually speak to him like he was just another person on the street. Mostly, though, I just carried on talking or dancing with my friends like he was wallpaper. He didn't know what to make of me. We had a four-year relationship, but it came to a screeching halt that night. So, I am more than comfortable returning to that state of mind. I'm not there, entirely, because I still have feelings for him, but mostly disgust.

Oh my, this has really made me sit up and think again. All your posts are exactly what I feel and have been through but have trouble in expressing them.

Thanks I am going to re read them again and it sure helps me to know this is what is going on in my mind and have had so much trouble in having clarity with, if that makes sense.

I have done a complete U turn and he hates it, but what I don't like is the way he can turn nasty, (not violent) never ever has he been like that in 25 years, can anyone explain that? has he always been narcissistic and I didn't realise it as we never had problems before his A? so me busting him has brought out all those traits that were well hidden? He acts like a 2 year old, he has fake tears, he makes stupid irrational statements, I don't know him anymore. He does this because I won't give him the time of day anymore. Really pathetic. He tries to blackmail me emotionally, and when that doesn't work he goes into a sort of meltdown.....is this what narcs do. I do the same as betrayed, I shut down, nothing he says anymore matters and he HATES it.