Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi. Thank you for reading.
This is probably not the run of the mill infidelity story that gets posted here but here goes nothing.
I am a 30 yr old male. I am a lawyer and I work in a fairly established family owned law Firm. I have been with the Firm since I was 15 years old. I was groomed to take over the helms of the Firm and I have done well. A year ago I was made partner. Things were going great, law is my passion, money was good. I got married about 5 months ago (baby on the way), made good investments in real estate, bought a great car etc.
Then my world as I knew it was crushed.
I caught my father (who is also the managing partner in the Firm) having an affair with one of MY assistants. This was the same employee (read: bitch) he had told me to let go just a few months ago. I decided against it, I believed in her. And now I have been betrayed by that very person (read: bitch worm vermin).
I was devastated. I held him in the absolute highest regards. He was my idol and I was his protege. I confronted him and immediately fired the said employee (read: bitch). I thought things would be fine but the affair carried on. One unfortunate Saturday afternoon I followed him and caught them as they were leaving a hotel. We had just concluded a huge deal the day before, after 4 months of hard work. We (family) were waiting for him at home to celebrate that as well as my mom's 60th birthday. With all this weighing on me, I lost control of myself. I did not hit him but I was close to it. I did hit (assaulted) her - not proud but no regrets. I broke the windows of his mercedes.
I am not the kind of person who can turn a blind eye to such immorality especially not from my dad after all he has preached. It was not how I was brought up. We are fairly religious and this selfish act of his has eroded my religious believes.
I cant tell my wife. We are expecting a baby. The stress is unnecessary. Apart from that I cant take the embarrassment. I know my wife will be able to accept it but as much as I detest him, I do not want her to hate him. For similar reasons I am not able to discuss this with my mother or my other siblings.
At present I seem to be in 'self destruct" mode. I have not been to the Firm for over 3 weeks, which is the longest I have stayed away. It is driving me crazy to be out of touch with law. I have not been answered any calls from clients and associates. I have many overheads. I am using up my savings with little money coming in. Every time I try to move on, i.e to establish a new firm or I would breakdown. I cant bring myself to draft my resume. I have put in too much energy, time and money in the Firm. I had big ambitions and expectations. I cry alone - not a pretty sight (big men crying never is). My family and other partners are getting fed-up of me slacking. My silence is only meant to protect them. From the disappointment that is consuming me.
I dont know why am I here, I do not know what to expect.
You need a sounding board. Perhaps speak to a therapist. Maybe you should consider confiding to your wife.
Again, wow so sorry.
I cannot understand why you would not tell your siblings. Tell them. Collectively you can decide who should tell your mother. Yes, your mother needs to know. Better it comes from her family than from the other woman or someone else.
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Your father is not going to give up his bitch as long as this affair is a "secret". Time to out him.
He has made some bad decisions and will suffer the consequences. So be it. Be there for your mother because she will need all the emotional support you and your siblings can give her.
You do need to get your resume together and sent it out. You need to move to another firm pronto. If you are a partner, you have money invested in the Firm which you get back.
As if you don't have enough to do, I think talking with a therapist will help you, too.
Stop trying to protect everyone. Just tell them what your father is doing. It is not a reflection of
you and who you are. It is his doing. Period.
It won't be your father or his new love. They have each other, and realistically they are grown adults as you are and do not have to answer to you. The rending of a family is never a happy thing to contemplate but realize that the heart does not know altruism when it wants what it wants. Your heart wants your family back the way it was for you. You see "her" only as an interloper and betrayer. She may yet prove to be that for your dad. But for now his heart wants her...and has proven it will push the rest of you away to have her. You will not do anything that benefits anyone in the long run by exacting revenge. Should you tell your mother, she will always blame you a little for tearing her world down. The messenger IS always blamed. The one who needs to explain himself is your father, to her and the the rest of your family. And hard as it may be, all of you need to listen to him with as open hearts as you can muster. I hope you can find it in yourself to talk with him and persuade him to do this "right" thing. Love CAN conquer all, but you have to be willing to surrender to it. Take care, and I hope you can use my words and well wishes.
Aloha 'oe, e malama pono
i'd have to smoke a lot of weed, i don't think that kind of weed even grows on this planet, to grasp what skyek... is saying
Anyways what your father did is horrible, and I undertand your position.
But now you have your own family to take care, I would advice to tell your wife, she is your confident, you cannot carry that burden yourself.
Talk to her and Im pretty sure that is gonna help you a lot.
Best luck!
In terms of protecting people...you aren't... your dad has already caused all the damage. It will unfold eventually in some other way and if you found out then others can.
Don't self destruct over someone else's failure.
Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and advice. I have read them all and I am grateful to be able to share a very painful part of my life with all of you.
I tried talking to my mom. She cut me off and made it clear that she will stand by him no matter what. I could not stand her tears and I did not want to hurt her further.
Side note: I cant deny that he has been more than a decent provider burning himself to bring the family to where it is today - a typical rags to riches story.
I have decided to keep it to myself. No one will know. His punishment will be the loss of the person he groomed to take over the Firm. He was planning to retire. Not anytime soon now. Lol.
I managed to secure a job in a mnc company. My passion of being a lawyer will have to take a backseat as it will be months if not years before I profit in the event I set up my own firm. Working in another lawfirm won't pay enough. I also can't bear to answer the thousand questions I expect my friends and associates to ask me if I bump into them in Court etc and with our baby on the way I need a more stable income source.
I will soon have abusive foreign employers and I will make a quarter of what I used to but I must take this in my stride as it will help with the bills.
I have another darker episode that is about to unfold. I am seeing another doctor next week for a second opinion.
Life is not giving me a break just yet. It's almost funny how true it is thsyclife keeps punching you when you are down.
Truly,
Sam
Job - If your dad is about to retire and your passion is being an attorney, why don't you just ask him to leave now and you take over the business? Or stay in the office and work it out with your dad. Have you spoken to him yet?
Wife - keeping secrets from your wife may cause problems later in your marriage. She could see it not as protecting her but not trusting her enough to include her. My husband made choices with the statement that he was protecting me and now that I'm finding things out it's really hurtful and ultimately what helped kill our marriage.
Mom - It's their relationship and her decision. You should respect your mother's decision even if you don't agree with it. I hate to say this but perhaps this isn't the first time it's happened and your mother is already aware of his weakness. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
You - It sounds like you already hate this new job. You may become resentful, depressed etc and your wife will not understand why. This may put a strain on your marriage. Be honest with her. Take a breath, step back and look at the big picture. Do you really want to completely change your life over the actions of your father? Talk to him.
I am not condoning what he did. I just don't think your future should suffer for his cheating.
Wishing you the best.
I sense there's a lot more here than meets the eye that you haven't disclosed about the dynamic between you and your father. You tried to ruin and out him to your mother, who basically told you it's none of your business. In retaliation you embark on revenge, effectively stopping his retirement. An emotionally healthy person would have taken over the helm, and done what they wanted once they're in charge. You, do the opposite and drink the poison hoping it will kill him.
This act of revenge, that bypasses your wife's knowledge, will not sit well with her when she finds out. I think you've kept it from her for reasons you haven't disclosed. You are a lawyer after all, so leaving out minor details to help your case, would not be out of order. Also, as an aside, keeping her in the dark over what you've done, reeks in similarity to your father's own acts of keeping your mother in the dark over his affairs; know this about yourself.
The level of anxiety you describe, coupled with the motives and actions you've taken, are too drastic to be believable over what you say has occurred, and your behaviour makes me skeptical of your ability to take over the helm at the law firm.
There must be more to this story that we aren't hearing because your fury and reactions are out of proportion.
Wishing you well.