Totally, completely with every once of me. I am most scared that i wont be able to trust again and then it is over.

a-bloody-men

Of course. I think you are on point here.

-Jax

BG,
I agree, the trust allows the spouse room and freedom to behave badly and then the cheater reveals that he exploited your trust. It is the most devastating aspect of the affair.

My husband EARNED my trust, over 12 years. I have no reason to blame myself. When I asked why he was faithful and kind and supportive..until he met the OWE, he said, "I was into you then!". Sounds callous, but it was not delivered callously. he was as surprised that it came out of his mouth as I. He never was trustworthy, just happy.

When he met a woman who (i later discovered) was a serial OW, looked for men who were married and stable financially and under the guise of friendship, gains info about the "weaknesses" in the marriage and stratigically goes about showing the MM that she is nothing like his wife, in those ways...he REALIZED that he was not happy after all. Being sought after and adored makes the wife look like meager pickings.

So trust, to that degree, is not something I intend to give again to anyone. If I stay with my husband, he will be accountable forever. He knows this. Someone new in my life, I would have investigated before letting down my guard.

Isnt that the lesson we all have learned. Being able to trust someone is easy..for me. I am not deceitful or easily led astray. It is learning that I am unusual in this way, that has been very difficult.

i cant trust anyone theres only so much hurt 1 person can go through i was only 16 wen i trusted my "best friend" and "boyfriend" while i was out of town till i recived a message saying they both fucked eachother while i was away im 20 now and married i dont trust my husband at all simply bcoz i have seen so much proof that he was has or is cheating on me, yes it hurts but being heartbroken and betrayed has happened only the 1 time and it will not happen agian 2 me

That is exactly what I have been dealing with lately.... It is hard to rebuild trust. I never thought twice about my H being where he said he was.... Now, I am always second guessing..... He needs to understand that his words mean nothing.... when someone lies to you for a long period of time (for me it was 5 months) you look back and think of all of the times he told you he was at his friends or at work, but he was really with the OW.... so now when he tells me he is at his friends or at work, I have this horrible fear in the back of my head.... But what I have learned is that its a give and take... if you have decided to work things out than you have to start somewhere.... but the cheater has to understand and be willing to accommodate you while your starting to trust them..... Luckily my H has been great..... still, it is a long road to travel, and I can only hope that one day I wont have to even think about it... For me, I think the only reason I am able to forgive what my H did, and to try to rebuild our relationship is b/c in my past I have done things that have hurt people.... and they had to forgive me.... plus, they had to find a way to trust me again.... everytime I go through issues with trusting my H, it makes me realize how wonderful the people are who forgave me.... it takes an incredibly strong person to forgive... I think for me I would have an easier time if I called it quits.... It may be hard to be alone, but at least the constant reminder of what happened wouldnt be there all the time.... and it would be easier to put the A out of my head if I wasnt focusing on rebuilding my marriage....

well, it took a while, and i have to make sure to keep diligent so that i don't fall into the whole questioning vortex... is that i will trust, until the evidence is shining in front of me.
And then i will leave. If it is a relationship that i have a lot invested in (as with one of my previous relationships).... if they are upfront and honest with me from the get-go, then i will give it one chance, but if it happens again... then that is a pattern.

I think Nave is me in disguise. So much of what you and she have said is true. What hurts so much is the death of that trusting, innocent, free, loving, comfortable relationship/marriage that I had for 27 years but have come to understand I will never have again. I grieve for it. I trusted my husband so much that I let him go over and give the OW massage (he is a certified masseuse, but not as a profession) after her surgery even though I had heard the rumors about her and was somewhat suspicious of her. But I trusted my H completely. She was just like the OW in Nave's situation. She did just what that woman did and my inexperienced husband fell for it hook, line and sinker. He had no experience with a manipulative, calculating, conniving woman. Now we are paying the price for his stupidity and my complete trust in him, and this woman I once called a friend.

100% agree with you bigguy3, Nave, & ami. I have a lot of work to do on myself to trust again. I have to believe that I will someday with someone that is honest & sincere....NOT like the first dumbass I picked. :)

I totally agree with all. I don't trust anything my husband says or does. He can be standing in front of me and i don't believe. This is how bad it is. He has lied so much until I believe he believes his lies. I am afraid that when the real thing comes alone I will not recognize it because of this stupid relationship. I am working overtime trying to get over all of this. I am now able to look at a few things and laugh at it. A real sign that I am getting over him as well. Yes he is still in the house trying to play husband but it is over for me.

It is good to know that I'm not up in the night with this. I trusted my (now ex) wife and believed her when she told me these things. The trust I had in her was betrayed and I was VERY hurt as a result. I now find myself being very guarded when it comes to relationships ... which is really not like me. I don't like having this feeling of doubt ... especially when the new person has done NOTHING to warrant the suspicion. I guess the $64,000 question is how do you separate the valid lack of trust in the cheating spouse (or ex-spouse) and learn to trust again so you can have a healthy relationship with someone new?

I have been divorced for nearly a year now. I have made a lot of progress in that time. I no longer feel the profound pain. I no longer have the emotional connection to my (now ex) wife. I have been able to let go and I have been picking up the pieces and moving forward with my life. A lot of my life is back to normal ... but my ability to trust a woman that I am attracted to and want to have a relationship with has not been healed yet. That seems to be the biggest hurdle I see in front of me right now ... because I do want to love and be loved again.

i know for me... i had to do it through a gradualization process... in that at first there were only a few women i knew that were, "not a slut"... horrible i know, and i lost that as i went through my grieving process(and btw... it is the only time in my life that i was a sexist... and eventually through work WITH a therapist, and through a lot of work on myself as well... i was able to slowly but surely get to where i was able to trust again... and then i was cheated on... again... it took some more work after that... and it was during this time that i realized that there are some people who cheat, and some people who won't. Now, it can be easy to spot some people that would cheat.. they have a lack of respect for others, an ego that is based on shallow things... they are more likely to be cheaters.... but well... i also came to the conclusion(and it is only my conclusion) is that there are plenty of people out there who do, and don't cheat... and while it might be possible to spot a few people who are at the very least potentially cheaters... that to know if someone is a cheater or not... the only way to figure that out is the hard way. By actually going out in the dating feild and taking that chance.

That is why we feel such fools..when we think of the lies they told. How could we have been so gullible? Most of those lies were SO flimsy. We didn't really believe them yet we justified or pooh poohed them thinking' No...he/she wouldn't cheat.'

Now I just look at him. He accused me of not listening to him. I said 'no...I heard you, but you lie so much, I just let it in one ear and out of the other.' Why pay much attention when the likelihood is that its just a lie.

Absolutely true...the cheater uses that trust to their advantage...the more trust I gave my wife,,the more she used it against me.....Im sure I could trust again,,,just not her, that I dont see happening.

absolutely I agree with every word.