You know him better than anyone, better than your kids even.
Objectively looking at him as a person, so you think he is capable of changing his ways and recommitting to your relationship?
Of course, the kids want you to leave him, but it is not that simple after 40+ years of a life together.
If he is a good person and has been caring for you all these years, then it is worth trying to figure out how he stopped down to this.
If he has been an asshole for 33 years, then no, what’s the point?
In any case, try a trial separation for a bit and see what he does. If he truly wants you back, he will do ANYTHING to make it happen. If you don’t see the work applied, then he will just revert back to cheating.
There are a couple of other things to consider
1. What you know and what he admitted to you are only small parts of what he has done. I have a great deal of doubt that there is nothing else. He just got caught this time. There are plenty of things he never told you about and never will.
2. The fact that he is banging posts kind of softens the blow. It is a business transaction, not a love affair.
When I found out that my husband was cheating with random strangers I could not understand how he could blow our whole relationship on strangers. I kept thinking - I wish it was a relationship, at least I could come to terms with that. Now I think otherwise. I know my husband loved me and only me, the sex was.. whatever.
In any case - I was 34, I was strong, I was successful - I divorced him. I couldn’t forgive him.
Some people are very successful at finding partners, I had nothing but crap after my divorce. I’m 45 now and still dealing with crap.
No one has been better than my exH. I think if I wasn’t so high strung, we could have worked it out, because our divorce really changed him.

You have some very serious years ahead of you, when you will need someone to lean on. Do you think he is that person?
If not, let him go.
Whatever you decide to do, say NOTHING to the kids, because if you do decide to get back with him, they will throw a fit. The less they know the better.

Good luck and I hope you will find happiness whatever happens.

You said a key thing - "But I've been with him so long...."

Because you met him when you were so young, he is - familiar. There is a certain comfort level there, when you have known *anyone* for that many years. You don't know any other life without this person.

However, what he is doing is not only divorce-worthy, but he put you at risk for STDs, HIV, and he could have gotten another woman pregnant. You have no idea how long this has been going on. Cheaters lie.

I would suggest counseling for YOU. You are the one going through this trauma and confusion.

Please know that you did nothing wrong, there was nothing you could have done, or anything more you could have done. Sometimes, and this may or may not be the case with your relationship, but when couples get together so young, they wonder "what else is out there", "what have I missed out on?"

Again, I would suggest therapy for just you, and possibly for your children as well.

You need to think long and hard if this is the kind of husband that you want to be with. Cheaters lie. Cheaters usually don't stop cheating... they just get sneakier about it, hiding it better.

He MIGHT change, but he should have come to you right away, remorseful and full of guilt... but instead he had to be found out.... that's not a good sign that he is going to stop or even wants to stop.

He would have to go cold turkey, zero contact with any of these women ever again, and have therapy for possibly years.

People don't really change. Just remember that you don't have to stay with someone *just* because you have always been with this one person. People grow up, grow apart... they change. They want different things.

Good luck to you. Let us know how you are doing.

Thank you. I don't think he's physically cheated before. He's very bad at technology. Because he's self employed I do all the computer work, so I have all his passwords and have always had access to his computer. I'm quite sure he hasn't done this in the past because he so lousy at hiding it. In fact he texted the prostitute, then left his phone charging on a kitchen counter where my daughter saw it light up with her reply.

In those 33 years we have had rough times, but also good times. That's what makes it so difficult. We are both in therapy, and my daughter will start once she moves (so she doesn't have to switch therapists). It would be so much easier if I didn't still love him.

My concern for you is you seem to be in denial.

That he is not tech savvy enough to have done this before.... well, he is tech savvy enough to find not one, but two (maybe more) prostitutes (who are all online), and set up a meeting with them, and he sent a text message to one of them and she replied back. He could also have a separate phone (available at any grocery or drug store for 20 bucks) that you don't know about and you don't have the password to.

Maybe you are still in shock, or are in disbelief, but I would think you would have intense anger right about now. He could have given you HIV, which is deadly. He was paying YOUR money so he could sleep with prostitutes. He had an "emotional affair" (not sure what that really is, but it was probably physical as well), and he lied to your face when you confronted him about this. He destroyed all trust that his own daughter has in him.

Are you not angry at all at how he disrespected you, your marriage, your daughter?

Until you feel the emotions, you can't work through them.

It's all your decision what to do next. It's your marriage and your life... I wish you the best.

I found out about this two months ago. I've been through, and continue to go through, rage, anger, grief, depression, hopelessness, you name it. Yes he's tech savvy enough to use google. But he used it on a phone he left in plain sight in the kitchen, so I don't believe he used a different phone in the past. By the way, I got one of those walmart phones after this to do some digging, and I highly doubt he could figure that out on his own.
I know about the emotional affair because it was with a real estate agent in another state we were working with. His emails told the whole story. I know it wasn't physical because she turned him down flat. So although something else could have happened in the past, possible, but doubtful. Believe me I did one hell of a lot of snooping the past two months.
Which brings up the future. Is it possible for him to not repeat this behavior is my question? He's in therapy, and he seems to be getting some insights in to his character. I'm not going to get back together in the near future. We both need to be in therapy for at least a year before I would go to marriage counseling with him.

But is it possible? I'm 59, I'm not going to date. We did have good times. Has anyone been able to get back together with someone who cheated?

It's possible.... but it's going to be hard.

He has to want to quit cheating. Not go along with counseling because now he has been caught. He has to be in some intense therapy to get to the root of why he cheated to begin with. The therapy could take years. Especially if they dig into his childhood issues, etc.

It will be a tough road for you, I am not going to lie. The deceptions, the lying, you wondering if he's still doing it, trust issues gone, etc.

It's up to you if you can live with this and live with him. And 59 is not old!! You *could* date again if you wanted to. Or not. You will have a full and happy life, with or without him. So, don't let your age (you're not old!) or how long you've been together affect your next move.

You have so many years ahead of you. You need to think about how you want to spend those years.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Cheaters CAN change but they can't do it while they are with you in a relationship. They need intensive therapy and to show real progress. Trust has been broken. He will have to take all the right steps to rebuild that trust.
I know your daughter is upset but if you do reconcile with your husband, it could be a beautiful picture to her of how grace works, if you don't want to give up. I have been cheated on, and it is the worst thing ever.
I started working closely with a counselor and that helped me decide what was best for my future. I hope that you will be able to move forward in a way that you feel comfortable.

Thank you. We are going to live apart and continue our individual counseling for at least several months. Eventually, if I think we have a chance, we will go to counseling together, before moving back in together.

It won't be easy, and it may not work. But I feel as if I'm depriving myself if I don't try.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I beet married for 51 years. My husband went off with a prostitute and was being blackmailed the blackmailer came to my house broke my windows. He was 71 & when he told me what he had done it was like something was ripped from me & I can’t get it back. I had to put up with him because of lockdown. Every time I look at him it reminded me of what he had done. & made me angry. He had to go. He left December last year. Once a cheat always a cheat. This wasn’t the first time. I have to put my happiness before his behavior. I will be 70 in July so I want to be happy I may not have many years left. I have to do what is best for me. Without trust marriage is nothing. All the best