Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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onyx11 03/12/2013

The biggest issue I have with my situation is not losing my ex - she broke everything and destroyed all my trust in her completely running around like a bull in a china shop - she was/is a selfish - lazy - non working A hole. Although I was extremely hurt and betrayed when this all went down and she seemed to enjoy that - now I just block her out of my head. I am numb to her.

Its the breaking of the family unit and not being able to see my boys "everyday". My parents were always together and still are so that is my example for what marriage and a family should be.

I have 50/50 custody and I guess if I was a lazy dude who never wanted to be a father (I actually always wanted to be a dad since I can remember even when I was 7 years old I can remember wanted to be older to be able to be a good father) I'm not the type of dude who just wanted to spread my seed around - I guess if I was shelfish like that - I would be ok with everything, and probably would have cheated on my ex as well along with a bunch of other stupid stuff crazy people do.

That is the sadest thing in my heart. Not being able to see them all the time. I just block it out when I am not with them and very happy when I do see them.

Anyone else in this boat?

deleted_user 03/12/2013

I feel so bad for you, my H had to endure that very thing when his ex wife, cheated on him and ended the marriage and family to be with the OM, and yes my cheating husband has cheated before and was cheated on, both, many times....however the best advice I can offer is that if and when you choose a significant other....make her 1st just ater God, if your kids see that they will never be able to seperate you, and they see you as a strong couple you will never lose them, however if you decide to keep them separate and put them first you will lose everything, her, and them and yourself too
trust me, I have lived this, and it is hell, and to have his affair on top of the loss of our entact families, we lost with the marriages and original family and we lost bigger when he decided to separate our joined family, good luck, just keep being thier dad, and don't over indulge to make up for what you think they are losing,it will ruin them

onyx11 03/12/2013

shegavehim - I just want to make sure I am getting the correct advice from you - are you saying I need to put my GF first over my own kids?

When I was married I put my kids 65% over my STBX because I always wanted them to be raised well and give them plenty of attention.

So are you saying I need to give my GF more attention then my boys when I am around them with her?

gina666 03/12/2013

Umm..I think your kids come before your girlfriend.I think when your married it's a different story.Your kids came before your girlfriend and I am sure she understands and respects that.Anyone would..

onyx11 03/12/2013

I placed my kids in front of my STBX in this sense - I would put them to bed - read to them - play with them - help them with homework - We had a routine at night and I took care of them. She would watch her stories.

If we went on vacations I would want them to come or do vacations with them (Disney the beach etc) - they are 2 small boys (7 and 4) so they are only small once.

its not as if my STBX put me first at all - she never planned dates - I did that (I would go on groupon and find deals etc) - if we were out eating - she would ask me - what do I feel like eating - my response - I have no idea - what do you feel like eating...This is what I plan on ordering...

deleted_user 03/12/2013

I sent you a private message...I will add here if you want or answer more in depth too, ask away

gina666 03/12/2013

I have to be honest, I did put my boys first and my husband second.I thought that was being a good mother..I didn't realize my h was like 8 and needed me to tell him how great he was all the time.My bad.

lebe 03/12/2013

A lot of step mothers insist they they be put before their husband's previous children. In my experience it can damage the relationship between the children and their father. I was lucky as my father stood up to my step mum when it came to our relationship. My grandfather was too gutless to stand up to his wife's nagging though and that damaged their relationship irreparably.

lebe 03/12/2013

As in it damaged my mothers relationship with my grandfather. I don't think I was clear there...

lebe 03/12/2013

I should also add in response to your original question:

I will be in the same boat soon. I've only been losing my young son one or two nights a week and even that upsets me. As he is only 1 my ex recently said in the past few weeks that I could have him till he's older as he doesn't sleep through the night yet. I'm dreading only seeing him 50% of the time. It makes me sick thinking about it.

deleted_user 03/12/2013

your children grow up and move away and have their own lives, the best thing that you can give them is stability, not pedestals....as I explained in the private message....it depends on the relationship with the girl friend, if it is temperal, then the kids should spend only a little of the time with dad and the gf, if it is going to be more permanant then the gf/wife moves up in rank.....kids should never be you friend or you theirs....you can have a great relationship as the adult parent, and friendship can grow from that....but if you were still married....the wife is first just behind God....it is the way we have been created.....the problem with doing it as the children first is why we have a society of kids who think that they are entitled to everything when they want it and you better give it to them.....the job of parent is to nurture productive adults who are well balance and have a moral compass that allows them to be compassionate people, not selfish, arrogant, egotistical cheaters, who only see their needs

lebe 03/12/2013

I disagree that we were created in the way you describe. I also disagree that putting your kids first makes them egotistical, arrogant cheaters who have no compassion. I know plenty of children who's needs were put first as children, and they are well rounded, productive members of society. They are young and own their own homes and support themselves without the need for their parent's help and they have solid relationships. Therefore, I disagree with your theory that putting children first affects them negatively.

gina666 03/12/2013

I disagree with that also.I think the more your children feel loved and protected the better they are in the long term..with relationships,jobs,everything.If putting your kids first turns them into arrogant cheaters,then wow,am I in trouble.

deleted_user 03/12/2013

good thing we all have our oppinions and come to them through our experiences and can seek for what works best in each situation, my statements do no come just from me, but from classes I have attended, group discussions, experience....like I have said it depends where the relationship is and where it is going and by the way blended families and their dynamics are very different than the natural order of an intact monogomus family, sorry for bad spelling, not feeling well and really tired...

xombie 03/12/2013

onyx, can I ask why you didn't fight for custody of your kids? If your x is so lazy and selfish why did you leave them with her? I'm not attacking, just asking.

onyx11 03/12/2013

The state I live in - MD - they pretty much side with the mother - its next to freakin impossible to get 100% custody as the father - I have heard of mothers who were drug users cheated on their husbands and the husbands had proof and still have 50/50 custody.

in order for me to have full custody and her visitation rights - she would have to slip up big time or grant me that - currenlty that is not what has happened.

If at some point she changed her mind - slipped up as having a DUI or some legal situation or like her affiar partner - threaten suicide -after he was caught cheating on his ex back in 2007 - protection order states this against him to keep this awesome dude away from his daughter at the time - he then checked himself into a hospital - then I could go for full.

I don't wish the last statement on anyone but I certainly dont wish this situation on anyone either.

yes this all sounds like a soap opera. I'm a normal dude that likes normal things - like peace and family and fishing and soccer. this whole situation just makes no sense to me. I am lucky I have my boys and my GF and my job and my parents and family support. if you have advice I would love to hear it.

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