Can not even begin to understand the why. I am not sure what hurts more the actual cheating or the lies that followed. The cheateing is terrible but the lies still kill. Doubt has really taken its toll on my heart and soul. I believe i could have worked on forgiveness much easier had she been truthfull but still after 2 years, I don't believe her.

My trust in her was so great that I would have bet my life on her being faithful. I experienced so many doubts in her when we first started dating but she made me doubt myself back then and always used that against me to the point that I felt like such an ass for doubting her back then. I gave her my trust and even asked for her forgiveness for doubting her back then and did that come back to bite me. She was so good at using that anytime I had doubts and really played that against me all of these years.

My intuition has reconnected itself back to my brain and my heart just aches for being so wrong. The connection i have with her now haunts me because that intuition and connection is how i discovered the affairs. I knew she cheated and the way I had to find out just distroyed any hope of me ever believing her. I don't want to give you the wrong ideas as I really doubt she is cheating now and she has made a lot of effort to show me she is not currently cheating. I just fear it is only a matter of time before I give her my trust again and it comes back to bite me once more.

Ouch ouch ouch. I am your friend in pain. As we all are you write the words from my heart. I wish I had wisdom to dispense.

I'm sorry that you are in the predicament that you are in. Have you ever thought about focusing on you; belief's, needs, desires. The more you focus on her and what she did, the further you are from yourself. Counseling is a great tool where you can express your innermost thoughts and move towards doing what is right for you. The truth of the matter is that your wife may never change her adulterous behavior. Take care of you so you can continue to take care of your little ones. Hugs, and prayers.

carm416, thanks for you caring words and yes I have been in couseling for the past 2 years. It was hard in the begining because of the lies and manipulation but once we found a counselor who understood what she was dealing with it did help. I have been in individual counseling for my own sanity for a while but recently my counselor has become ill and I do not want to start over with another. It has been a rough 2 years with lots of ups and downs. My focus has always been on my children and that does keep me going but not the only reason I am working to stay in my marriage. I have learn much about myself both good and bad and just try to do the best I can.

So, have you been informed about appropriate boundary setting? It sounds to me as if your wife needs a good set of boundaries, and so do you. One of the most important things I think I have learned is about boundary setting. When I decide on a boundary that is beneficial and let my H know what it is, and what the results of ignoring it are, I feel better. Thing is...that whatever boundary and results of breach I set I must enforce them. The result of not enforcing them is disrespect for both myself and my mate. For instance, my H had a serious habit of either yelling or stonewalling me when I felt the need to talk about his behavior. So, I thought about what I needed from him. I let him know that if he did either of those things at any time, I would simply walk away from the conversation and not talk with him again until he could communicate in a way that was beneficial. After a few failures to do so on his part, and after I walked away several times, he got the point and changed his communication style.

Are there some things you can identify that you need from her? Are you willing to state the boundary and the consequence? Are you willing to enforce the consequence? Better not to impose it if you can't enforce it.

You shared, "and she is still feeding little bits and pieces of what and who she was." I'm pretty sure it is what and who she is.

I got to a point at the end of my marriage, where I simply didn't believe my (then) wife anymore. I had done everything I thought I could do to make it better. We were separated by then, and I knew she was still having her affair. Still getting lies, she still blamed me for our marriage issues.

I realized that this wasn't going to get any better, and that she wasn't going to change anytime soon. I couldn't stay in the marriage like that, so I arrived at the point that I was done. done with her, done with the marriage, and done trying to fix things.

So we divorced and I did so with a clear conscience and haven't looked back. Yes, the separation and divorce are hard. But once you realize that you're stuck and things aren't likely to change, you may have to decide its time to move on.

For what its worth, I realized that I was doing all the work trying to make things better in our marriage, and she wasn't doing anything. All she was doing were the things that suited her. Selfish! I also realized that I was in love with the person she was years ago, and that she had changed. I don't know why or exactly when she changed, but she had. I had to come to terms with the fact that I really would probably never really know why she did what she did. I just had to learn to recognize that it happened and I had to change my life because of it.

I'll wish you luck, whatever you decide to do.

What: Just because "she" isn't an honest woman does not make you a bad man. And, since she is still offering lies, denial and blame, means she is still in serious trouble. Don't take her weakness on to yourself. Let her take the responsibility for who she is.

Wow Ltecker. You are 100% with what you are saying. I am taking it you left and still found happiness. I will say that I counseling has not been helpful at all. This support group is more help that any counsuler. Lstecker you have no degree, but you know what to say. Its good to have you on this site.

A question for sh39, how long did you try to make it work before you knew it wasn't going to work out. I have been trying for over 2 long years but still don't believe anything she tells me and for good reason. All she did was lie, blame, divert, and still to this day will not talk about the things she has done. Even during marriage counseling she did not come clean, just wants to move past this and get over it not ever once thinking what I need out of this in order for me to get better. I stay because of who I am and the vows and commitment I made not just to her but to my children. Please don't judge me on that because I understand I can't do this just for my kids. I am at the point as you were to see nothing really has changed except that I don't trust her anymore and she knows she can't sneak around like before because she has lost my trust.

what - you sound like you are in my head! i am going through the same thing and it is difficult beyond words. I, too, am desperately struggling to take the blinders off to my H.

I have 2 young kids and I keep asking myself if this is what I want to teach them what marriage is. Is this how you treat the person you have made vows to? It sounds like you have done everything on your end and should feel no guilt (i know, impossible, right?) in walking away from your marriage. What if this was your son or daughter in this same situation, what would you want them to do? To be repeatedly lied to, deceived and cheated on or to break free and try to make a better life for themselves and their children?

It sounds as though your wife has zero regrets and therefore, I am sorry to say, it is very likely she will hurt you in this same way again.

I completely understand you not wanting to give up on your marriage because of your kids. I was there 3.5 years ago we tried to make it work and guess where I am now? Back here again because of more trust issues.

You need to ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life (I am assuming you are playing detective and that is how you are uncovering all her lies)? It is completely exhausting!

Sorry you are here and going through this. Good luck to you

momoftwo409, the lies have killed me over and over again. With each lie I have discovered, it takes me right back to the beginning and the pain starts all over again. I start to give her some understanding then she hits me again and again with lies. It started out she was only talking to a man until I got her pass word that she would not give me and I actually had to reset it in order to get the information and then there was no going back. Pictures, duration of the affair, her love for him, talking about renting a house together, money she gave the loser because he couldn't hold a job, his spiritual walk with the lord, his prayers for her to get her to spread her legs open, his prayers to god about the reason he brought them together, even his excuse for cheating on her with another women. That was the strange part of this is that she was upset that she got dumped by this POS for another women. Then come to find out she was seeing another man prior to and in the begining of their affairs. Cheaters cheat on anyone I guess. It all goes back to the begining of our relationship back 21 years ago. I suspected she was cheating back then but she was so good at lying, divertion, manipulation, and blame i found myself questioning who I was and what kind of man treats a women like that and believed her lies because I was in love with her and she used that against me. Now 2 children and 15 years of marraige here I am again doubting who I am and living a half life filled with doubt, shame, pain, and the only thing that keeps me going are the smiles on my kids faces. My oldest is now starting college and my youngest is starting HS and I doubt very much we will be a family when he graduates and that kills me to even think about it. What did he do to deserve this. How do you change his life and struggle and a single parent. There are many out there who say you can't do this for your kids, well I have lived a life from a broken home and it is a life I will not give my children so call me stuburn, stupid, weak but don't ever call me a bad father. I do not argue in front of them, I do not talk bad about their mom to them, and I would never talk to them about what she has done.