Forward motion: I appreciate what you are saying and I hear it. I will tell you this, I am not passive person. I have confronted her on each of these red flags I have seen, the travel, the late nights, the text messages, the lying, the distance, the lack of intamacy. Each time she turns it into my problem and uses it as a further step towards her own autonomy or worse she claims it is me trying to be a controlling bully, stalker etc. She even threatend to call the police the last time I got ont her phone to see her text messages. At this point confronting her alone will just end in the same result. This is why I am waiting to walk this through with a mental health professional who can mediate this with us.

I understand what you are saying.

The issue is also with allowing her to continue without consequence.

Similar to when a child does something wrong, confrontation includes calling out the behavior, providing a consequence, and an expectation of future behavior. Children who get used to stepping over lines/boundaries only become more unruly and disobedient. I would suggest your wife has an emotional maturity similar that of a child's.

She has been using her gaslighting and deflecting techniques.

A good counselor will surely help you overcome her tactics and your past inability to set ultimatums/boundaries.

Struggle 79,
You have compassion- hopefully there is someone close to you both ,
a sister, a close friend that know you both- because I dont think she
knows what she has- Do you understand It is not even your loss It is hers.
No one will love her as deeply as you do.

We are in your corner here on this forum. We understand the painful moments,

You never did answer the Question if you have done anything in your Marital
History that she feels would warrant her behavior................................?

Osheana, I have been faithful to her in though and deed since the day me met. We have had our ups and downs like every couple does. It wasn't until two years ago when she began to change drastically pursue more and more autonomy and secrecy. When she changed her phone pasword and blocked me from seeing her location, I was able to guess the new ones snooped around on her phone and then confronted her on what I found. She threatened to call the cops even though I pay for the phone. She uses this as a justification for more secrecy. It wasn't the best move on my part but after all this it seems my suspicions are valid.

dude,
you delude yourself from seeing her actions that define her as someone other than you hope her to be

I'm not deluded Snipe. I'm commited. I'm fighting for my marriage and staying true to the commitments I made. That is what sacrificial love does. You are seeing a small snapshot of very bad behavior, I have almost two decades of experience with this woman that defy the evidence I am seeing right now. I have seen her walking in wholeness and fullness and it is beautiful. If I can, I will do whatever it takes to help her get back to that place. Not just because she is my wife but because she was my friend and the mother of my kids. This may not end the way I hope or want it to, but I will be damned if my kids don't grow up knowing their dad did everything he possibly could to pursue their mom. Ten years from now, I want to hold my head up high knowing I was a good example to them on how to be men of their word and fight for the people they care about.

Marriage and relationships do not cause cheating. @Osheana says "You never did answer the Question if you have done anything in your Marital History that she feels would warrant her behavior................................?". There is NOTHING that warrants cheating. Nothing. Ever.

@Struggle79, do not buy into this load of cheater-apologist blame-the-betrayed garbage. Grown up people use their words to express their dissatisfaction before jumping outside their relationship for ego kibbles and sex.

Bumping up my "welcome..." post for you. It outlines behaviors and actions of someone who wants to repair their relationship vs someone who is playing you. Just know that you cannot change someone who isn't interested in changing, no matter how hard you try or no matter how badly you want it.

Struggle79 - It is noble to want to keep your family together, keep your commitments, and give stability to your kids.

Snipe is talking about your view about your wife and who she is.

She isn't someone who contrary to her nature made a few mistakes or changed overnight.

Underneath the mask the person she is now is who she always was. You are now seeing the real person underneath. She never truly developed the character you thought she had. The person that you think you loved before all this never existed, but was a image that she put forth for the world.

When you hear those stories of a happily married down to earth couple who wins the lottery and both end up cheating and destroying the family you know that they never were who they seemed.

The money didn't change them, but granted them the freedom to be who they really were inside.

In the beginning most betrayed spouses, for the sake of sanity, try to believe their spouse just magically changed and did something that was completely out of character. This way we can hold on to the hope that they can just snap out of it and morph back into who they were before by just flipping a switch. We try to believe it was just a moment of insanity that spontaneously clear up so we can get back to the good old days before this unfortunate event.

We initially put up a mental wall because we can't bring ourself to believe that the best parts of our life, our marriage, and who we thought our spouses are were in fact a skewed version of reality. There is no going back to that time because it was never real.

You can't change a person and you can't sustain a marriage by yourself.

Would your kids rather see a dad who sets boundaries on how a spouse should treat them or see you in pain and being continually mistreated by your wife?

I wouldn't want my kids to continually accept this type of behavior from a spouse and take this abuse just to uphold a marriage contract that has already been null and voided by the other party.

If one party of a business contract decides not to deliver the merchandise does the other party pay them regardless because they want to keep their end of the deal?

If she were to repent, ask forgiveness, be accountable, and give her life to change and make up for her wrongs there is a chance things could work out. In absence of these things....there is no hope for a marriage to be sustained.

Additionally this "snapshot of bad behavior" doesn't happen in a vacuum as our actions are based on our beliefs, free will, and character.

Betraying your spouse, risking their health (HIV), and jeopardizing the stability of your children's home is not something a good and full person does on his/her worst of days.

The convention of laws, family/societal expectations, and reputation may force us to conform to moral norms, but don't believe for one second that makes good people underneath.

If you don't hold these beliefs personally and have the character and fortitude to resist temptation you will end up like all of our spouses.

I don't usually cmmt here but saw your post and read all the comments.
I am sorry to hear of this unfortunate development in your marriage. The only ONE thing that sounds hopeful is that she agreed to marriage therapy. That seems to contradict her actions of the last 2 years. So I do hope it brings out the truth. I hope you find a good therapist and both are willing to be honest and open about your roles in the past and expectations going forward. Two years is a long time to live like you have and the last year is cementing the break of your marriage. Good luck and I hope if it is worth turning it around that you both can do that!

Wanted to throw in 2 cents...just my opinion based on my own experience, but beware the possibility that the only reason your wife may have agreed to marriage counseling is her belief in her ability to manipulate the counselor/counseling in the same way she’s been manipulating you (turning any concerns you have about your marriage into your insecurity, etc.)...I highly recommend you approach your wife about the prescriptions/HIV test BEFORE the counseling starts. She will most likely create a half-believable/belieavable explanation for the prescriptions/test - leaving you no closer to the truth of what the issues in your marriage are...but that is better than what I fear her reaction would be if you bring it up in counseling. Counseling is supposed to be an opportunity to address marriage issues and how to fix them. If you bring up these results in counseling in front of a third party, she will most likely treat the marriage counseling as an “ambush” on her character, turn it around on you, and use this line of questioning as a reason to stop going to counseling before anything has even been accomplished - and further turn the problems in the marriage into all your fault.

I agree you should approach her before counseling begins on the testing.
When I first read your post I agreed with CaliRn- yes it is possible to have multiple doses of different antibiotics for chronic or resistant UTIs and UTIs can be caused for a variety of reasons. Also some US GYNs are recommending screening for HIV (as well as hepatitis) on all sexually active women over 40.

With that said.... your ‘upsate’ shows a whole other side of this post. Any married woman going to bars till 530 am and deleting text messages is cheating maybe working as an escort...

Glad she is responding to counseling but if she is in that deep she really needs therapy for herself too, that is if she wants to change. She may not want to and is only doing it to placate you- bear that in mind.

Update: I told her I knew about the testing and the treatment. She made pretended that she didn't know they included the HIV test in the bloodwork. When I told her that it is illegal to do an HIV test without verbal consent she switched the story to this just being routine testing. When I told her I didn't believe that, she turned it on me and said she had the test because she thought I was having an affair (remember, we havn't been intimate in over a year). Long story short we are now getting seperated but I still don't have any answers.

Well UTI's are common and you don't have to be sexually active to get one. They usually don't have anything to do with sex and it could be a sign of something else going on in her urinary tract like an infection near the kidneys. It is not uncommon for her doctor to have requested that she take an HIV test to rule out certain things. And if your wife has only been with you and doesn't think that she has it and that she should consent to the test to make sure she is in the clear and that you were not unfaithful to her. I have had my doctor ask me to have an HIV test done before to rule out certain diseases in the blood and urine. I knew it would be negative so I agreed to take it and it was. Maybe she didn't want you to worry and she didn't mention the test because she doesn't want to alarm you in case it is nothing and maybe it was negative and she thought it was nothing so she destroyed it. But the only way to know for sure is to tell her that you found the test in the trash. Ask her if everything is ok with her. She might be facing some serious medical news that something is wrong and she has an auto immune disease.

Sometimes it's very hard to admit that the people closest to us would ever betray us. From your second update, it sounds like you already know the answer. You're just having a hard time accepting the truth.

Go get yourself tested because that's too many meds for UTI. If you have anything and you've been true to her then your talk so you have something to back up your concerns. If you don't have anything... Ask her if she's ok and bring up the things you saw. Like everyone said, your main concern should be you and your kids at this point. Best of luck to you. *Hugs*