WhitBit,
I am not sure how to answer this as I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on.
We went through a lot of counseling and worked hard to stay married. One thing I learned that when my H cheated it had nothing to do with me or love but something that was missing in him.
I learned that cheating is like taking a pain pill to ease the pain but it doesn't cure what is causing the pain. I learned that you can't look outside yourself to fix what is missing on the inside. It is not up to your H or this other person to fulfill you. It is up to you to find out what is missing inside of you. Its up to you to take responsibility for your happiness.

As for falling out of love; we don't actually just fall in love. That is bullshit. We grow in love. Love is a verb. Love is action. Love is loving acts towards another. It grows, it changes.

You told your H your feelings; that you don't love him? that you want out? I wonder how that makes him feel towards you?

I would suggest before you try to fix your marriage or happiness by involving another man, to find a counselor, or minister to talk to. Maybe marriage counseling . And if then you don't feel there is anything left in your marriage you can make a decision and a plan to leave.

If you and your H decide to stay together I would suggest to go to www.saveourmarriage.org and go to a Retrovaille week end. It is a peer led week end by couples who have been felt and have been through what all marriages go through.

Before you give up please know that all marriages go through seasons, and many people have felt as you, me included. I didn't cheat but I would try to talk to my H but all I was doing was blaming him for my unhappiness. I learned a lot about my self through our storm.
I wish you well-Hugs

p.s we have been married 36 years-been through plenty!

I see by your other posts that you have not been happy with your husband for years. His lack of employment, his lack of caring after your miscarriages, he's very much older than you, etc. Having an affair will only complicate things for you and actually will cause you more stress and bad feelings, not these temporary good feelings you are currently having. Have you, or you and your husband, done any therapy? I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling to sort out what is going on with you, and with your marriage. Going outside the marriage will only make you feel worse!

Thank you so much both of you for your input. We have gone through 6 months of counseling so far, it hasn't gotten us anywhere. We are still fighting the same fights, he still won't listen to my feelings his are the only that matter. I'm at my breaking point. Oliveanne I know what you mean I do feel an emptiness within me I haven't found the cause yet however when I'm with the new guy I feel it less. Almost like he's my missing puzzle piece. He knows more about me than my husband I feel I can be open and honest with him like he's my best friend. I've honestly never told anyone as much as I've told him... I've been through a lot as a kid and a teen he's never judged or blamed me for it I feel free with him...

As other posters have said the issue of cheating is that there is something wrong within you rather than an eternal issue.

However general marriage problems for the most part have a component of internal/external factors to various degrees and generally involve both parties even if unequally.

The affair and the person are just drugs of escape and have no value but as others have mentioned will may your life much worse as well as for your husband and children.

Consider the person you cheated with. Is he a good guy to get involved with a married woman with a husband and children? Affairs are selfish by nature and you will find that this relationship is just as if not more one sided as you see you marriage right now.

Is this guy going to take over as dad to your three kids, teach them, love them, and provide for them? Is it more likely that he will enjoy the sex and adventure but bail on you for someone new once things become attached to responsibility and sacrifice?

Again, look at his character for getting involved with you in the first place. He doesn't care about what will happen to your kids or y0ur husband, or the repercussions you will face for your actions in having an affair. Does it appear like he is doing any of this for you....or just for himself?

Look at your own actions. Are you helping or hurting your kids?

I'm not saying you have to say with your husband per say, but you need to be an example to your kids on how to behave and act.

Forward motion... Yes there is something missing in my life and it is love. I get love from my 3 kids but I've never felt love as a kid and I don't feel my husband loves me either I do believe he is in love with me or the idea of me but I don't think he loves me if that makes sense. He is 20 years older than I am and I think he just wanted kids and a retirement plan (me) as he no longer works and barely manages the house and kids.... The guy I cheated with I don't think he loves me yet it's still early but as I mentioned before I feel things I've never felt before with him.... he does care for me and my kids and our well being I know that for a fact as he is the owner of my house and a family friend. He is a good guy I get how he doesn't look good by getting involved with me but he does care a lot and he helps when ever he can.

The affair guy owns your house? What does that mean? Well, if you are not in love with your husband for 2 years, and you don't think he is in love with you, and if you have tried counseling.... then are you thinking about filing for a divorce? It will get pretty sticky to carry on seeing the other guy while married. Have you thought about what if you get caught, what will your kids think, what will your husband think? This is a serious situation and not to be taken lightly. Of course all is fun and exciting in the beginning of seeing someone... maybe you felt that way when you first got with your husband. I suggest you do some serious thinking about what your next move will be (file for divorce and go with this new guy, or stop seeing the other guy and work things out with your husband).

I have asked for a divorce almost a year ago now, my husband refuses and he wants to fight on everything, I don't want that but he won't let up. Make no mistake I am not fooling myself to think the affair won't cause problems, nor do I want that. I have stopped seeing him it was only twice and we haven't had any contact outside of a professional relationship he agrees and has not contacted me. We both want to wait until things have settled with my marriage.

How something feels is one of the most deceiving things that will lead you astray.

The love that you seek is self love and it won't be fulfilled by someone else or something else.

Many who have had childhood trauma or neglect never realize this and look for it in self destructive and other destructive ways like bad relationships/affairs, drugs, gambling, vanity, greed in order gain some sense of self esteem/worth or acceptance.

The sad part of it is that they do things that give them a temporary high in terms of emotion to numb their emptiness. The feelings you have from your affair is the drug you are on. The first euphoric feeling of heroine may be a never felt out of this world experience, but we know how that story ends.

Your husband may not be a peach himself but this guy certainly does not have you or your kids especially at any level of priority. He holds power over you for certain being the owner of your house to boot. It isn't that he doesn't look good, it is that his actions show he is not a good man.

A good man does not go after a married woman and in this case betray a family friend and bring shame upon them. He doesn't break up the family of children or take advantage of a troubled marriage.

However great he makes you "feel" with his words now are just empty words when his actions show him to be someone else.

I stayed in a relationship with my oldest kids father for 10 years. The more kids we had(3 In total) the more childish he became. It's like he turned into one of the kids. He took good care of them...better than me, but he stayed on the video game so much he would fall asleep on the couch. I was so unhappy that I kept cheating on him to get that very feeling you described. I know you don't want to breakup your family, but the kids will since your unhappiness. Not saying you will but you will probably find yourself cheating again, or fantasizing about it. You are not alone! I am now on my second long term relationship, this one 15 years this year. I am doing the same thing. This time I feel so guilty because I know it's me.

That man is not a good man.

Cheating is always an internal issue of the cheater.

A relationship breakdown that ends divorce in most cases involves more than 1 person to some degree. You can't say the same for marriage that end due to adultery.