I carry massive amounts of anger, but not hatred. I think everyone goes through phases like this. It's easier to hate someone we don't know that well as opposed to someone we love that should have never started all this crap. But yes, I definitely understand the "who the eff does she think she is?!"

All of my negative emotions were reserved for my wife because she is the one how betrayed me. The OM was just an opportunistic scumbag.

Yep, have had those feelings. Keep venting in a safe place like here, and smile when you see her in a public place. The more you vent, the better you will feel and you will find your way through the anger, bitterness, hatred, and you find forgiveness. Takes time.

Yes i feel the same way as you. I am always the nice one who doesn't want to cause any trouble. I also love my H but i also HATE what he did and the lenght of time he did it. I think the way we feel is normal as we deal with our H's on a daily basis so we feel we have control over that, but not being able to confornt the OW makes it hard. I also want to beat the SH.. out of her but that is not my nature, (don't get me wrong at this point in my life it could be)but at this time i choose not to. I feel that this is a defensive mechanism. Sorry ImDealing i do not agree with you the other pesons is not just an opprtunistic sumbag but a willing party considering my H OW is also married. I think that with it being our H's who cheated we feel the OW should not have done this because how could she not know how a woman would feel? Would she really want it done to her. I am trying to deal with my H and move forward as I think most of us do. Like you I keep asking myself by does everyone tell me that I have to get over it and move on?

Sorry for the long response. Stay strong.

I go in stages where I would love to go off on the OW and my anger is so bad that she would never come near my man again - she would be very afraid. I have not made contact with her at all but when I am having a really bad day I want her to feel the pain that I feel so I threaten to call her, her husband, her kids, or anyone even closely related and than I come back down to reality before doing any of this. She will get what she deserves and what I really want to do is tell her to communicate with her husband and just maybe she may be able to save her marriage before it's to late.

I know one thing for sure and that is if this marriage does not work and I leave, I will never get involved with a married man. No one should ever put anyone through this much pain and I could never destroy a family.

So yes I feel great amounts of anger towards my H and the OW!

I hate the OW too...so much. It is worse when the OP knows you and knows that you are married. I sent her messages and she replied and attacked me. She told me that I was spineless and to stop hiding under a rock. I could see that sending her anything or saying anything to her was going to get me nowhere...so I stopped. It was giving her more power over me. I guess I thought that if she knew how much I loved my H, she would back down. Nope...she told me that my love for my H was none of her business and to stop wasting her time.
I feel like I took vows and even though my H betrayed me, I will stand by him for better or worse even when it hurts so bad. Until we decide to end our marriage I will try and love him and try to forgive him every day. I took no vows of forgiveness to her, so I would love to punch her in the face. I would actually just love her to be humiliated and feel the pain I feel every day.

Oh I have my days when I would love to run into her again. The things I plan in my mind to do to her! I'm also afraid because I don't know what I would do. Would I lose total control? I don't think I could just walk away. I think I would humiliate her with everything I had and walk away with a smile on my face. My husband says that I should focus all my anger on him because he is the one that I should be mad at. Does he really know what he is asking for? lol. I am angry at both of them. For him it's what he did to me and our family but he is sorry and is trying everyday 110% to make this marriage stronger. It's hard to stay angry at him. Now the OW! She walked away unscathed from this whole thing. Never did I hear "I'm sorry for trying to ruin your whole family". How do you forgive that? I am a spiritual person, but man oh man this will be a tough one for me. I'm no Mother Theresa yet, so her forgiveness may never come. I think that by me thinking about what I could do to her brings some control back into my life. I won't be taken by surprise again.

She was my friend and a bridesmaid in our wedding who stood up behind me on my wedding day - their A begin before we married.
Now that's a day I want to forget.
Ya, I know a little bit about anger.

I try to be bigger and focus my energy where it benefits me.

like maintaining my sanity!

It is only natural to feel so much hatred towards the OP when you have just discovered an infidelity and even from there on out. And there is nothing wrong with it either. Except that eventually, if you are going to move past the affair and heal your marriage or, even if you leave your H and need to heal yourself, you will still have to get to a point eventually where you do not hate or focus so much anger towards the OP, rather you'll need to focus on understanding why your own H, who took vows with you, chose to do what he did and eventually to forgive him and try to move past the betrayal. I guess the goal would be to get to a point where you really don't think about the OW so much. The focus should either be on your marriage or you.

And I am not saying this is easy. I struggled with it for a long time, getting over more than one OM in fact. Now I kind of just pity the sorry b*stard because he is the one who has to deal with a woman who cannot stay faithful and has no clue what she wants.

Thanks everybody for replying....I really liked reading all the comments. My husband was the one that lied and betrayed me but the OW knew he was married and she didnt back off so I still feel like beating her, I won't do it cause it's not in me. I know I feel anger, bitterness and hatred right now and I'm waiting for the day that I can find peace and forgiveness.

Oy, is this a hard one for me! I had posted a discussion question, "Do we need to forgive the OP to heal?" I still struggle with this. First my H's OW helped to get my H fired, then two years after that, after she hadn't seen or heard from my H, she sent me a message on FB under a fake name that revealed the affair. Clearly, her life was in the crapper at the time. She probably saw my FB account, saw we were still married, got pissed and sent the message out of revenge. She didn't stop to think that we have children and it affects them too!

The rational side of my brain says that this was a blessing in disguise (not the A, but me knowing about it). Afetrall, my H was living with tremendous guilt and our relationship would have continued on in the state it was. However, I am still so very angry for the intrusion into our lives, both during the A and as a result of this stunt. Anyway, I do hope to let go of that anger. I am not going as far as to say that I will forgive her, but I don't want anger in my heart. It only eats away at you. Besides, she's so insignificant at this point. I'll get there eventually. I hope you can too.

At first I hated her and i was very angry. Then I realized that the bimbo in my case has had a history of chasing men in their social circle. Their club is a hunting ground for her to find men. I realized that this is who she is and she will not stop. But my H knew better, and he could have stopped it. So the anger was directed towards my H . Right now I am angry at her for badmouthing me and esp. saying things that have never happened. She is also badmouthing H now, but he was asking for it by getting involved with her in the first place, so I do not feel sorry for him. Let her badmouth him all she wants. She is showing him once more who she really is and for whom he risked everything. There is no doubt in my mind that he has thanked his lucky stars many times that the A did not get any more serious.

I haven't seen or heard from the OW since over a year ago when I found out. The last time I talked to her was that day to confront her, then my H, then her H. I knew her for six years, so it doesn't surprise me she would sneak around and have an A because her marriage is lousy, and she has no balls to really confront problems in life. I also am not surprised I haven't seen or heard from her because I am pretty sure she is scared of me and is staying the hell away.
Do I hate her? Well, I don't know. I wouldn't say HATE... I did at the beginning, but now I just laugh. I laugh because she is stuck in a shit marriage to a man she can't stand, and her kids are disrespectful, spoiled brats. I laugh because she is so mortgaged out, and her H does so many things that are shady in his business, she will never get out from this black hole she calls her life. I laugh because she lost her job last year. I laugh because she is about as deep as a glass of water, and has a personality similiar to cardboard. I laugh because my Ex actually chose her over me, then I realized, birds of a feather flock together. They are both materialistic, selfish, and avoid problems. So, I laugh. I laugh because he is my EX now and I am off that trainwreck. Oh, and if he had continued seeing her, her H would do something about it anyway.
I'm glad he is my EX now. We have a kid, and we get along for my son, but truth be told, I didn't cheat in twelve years, so it's pretty unacceptable that he did. HE took his vows, not HER. So, my anger eventually was directed toward him. Now, I will just sit back, enjoy my life, and enjoy the show.
Lastly, my problem is was with HIM. I already didn't care too much for her anyway, but Him? I lost a lot of respect for him, and I am too damn good to be with someone I can't respect.

Yeah, I hate her.

L~