Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I found out my husband had a four month affair with a co-worker. I also found out the name of HER husband and his phone number. Do you tell the other persons spouse even if you believe that the affair is over?
For example....what if her husband kicks her out, or demands a divorce. Then she is left with no one....and the only person she can bond with is your husband. Also, you put your husband at risk of retaliation from the other BS. Some husbands get violent and will beat the shit out of the man that has been screwing with his wife.
I would say.....if you spouse is extremely remorseful and you believe he is fully committed to recovering.....perhaps it's best not to share with him. This would be contingent on either your H or the OW finding a new job. If they have to remain working together....you may want another set of eyes keeping a look out.
Secondly yes the telling could cause a backfire by bringing the wounded cs together. If that were to happen then your cs wasn't ready to rebuild.
So, my take on tell vs don't tell is usually leaning on telling.
For me the deciding factor would be your intentions. If it is to seek some vindication do she can suffer and possibly lose her H or atleast his respect, then I say don't tell. While that would certainly bring some inner "ha gotcha" kind of joy, that would wear off and fix nothing.
If your reasons are for the idea that every bs has the right to be aware of the cards they've been dealt and what has been done behind their backs, well then I say yes tell. I feel we all have a right to be taken into the light of what our cs have done and I wish somebody had the courage to tell me before I eventually got the truth.
Think about how will affect you and your life, marriage and future.
She was a married friend of ours, and my immediate reaction was to clue her H in because everyone could then be on the same playing field.
Funny thing is, he told me he had suspected for a while and one of the biggest arguments they often had was about his wife with my ex husband.
I was not going to, or will not, play a part in the lying/cheating someone else in their marriage. If the husband had told me to go "F" off, then so be it...but he would still KNOW something was going on, and he would have to learn to deal with it when he was ready.
The people who knew about my ex's affair made it onto my sh*t list very quickly, simply because they knew and didn't say a word.
if i love someone i have a hard time hurting them so i can get what i want.
i'd rather let them walk away if they dont want to be faithful to me.
now the bastard is girlfriend less she broke up with him ,but i found out it wasnt only my wife he was after he had a few ..Yep makes sure you have a little proof to photo copy a phone record or text message put the icing on the cake just a bit thicker and if your husband gets pisst off so what just grin with a smile and say nothing or say its a small world lol i love redemption like i posted weeks ago KARMA takes to long !
You do take a risk of a backfire. People are so unpredictable. But he has the right to know, is my take.
Put it this way. If you, as an employee, discovered the bookkeeper was embezzling money from your boss, would you question whether it was the right thing to do to tell the boss about it?
I'm guessing probably not.
In principle, I agree.....I understand it.
HOWEVER.......the opinions may be gender biased.
A betrayed man is MUCH more prone to violence/murder than a betrayed woman is. There is risk to your H's health/life if you inform the other betrayed man.
Just because the other BS was a victim, doesn't mean he isn't capable of extreme violence.
I can promise you one thing. If he doesn't beat your H just short of his life........I guarantee that he will at least want to do it.
This needs to be considered in your decision. You simple do not know how this man will react.
First of all, the affair is not your secret. This is information. Information the other spouse has the right to know.
I would be very upfront about how you do it. I called the other spouse and told him I had something to talk to him about in private. We met and guess what - he already suspected. He did not know who though. My H was at the top of his list. He was so very grateful to know.
I have a friend for life! (I have had no contact with him since though.)
We even discussed how he should confront her. And he promised not to disclose how he found out.
In the meantime my H was supposed to have NC with the OW. I found out in MC, that they had met and she accused me of telling. She tried to turn my H against me. This ended up being a good thing for my H and me and opened up another discussion in counseling. My H saw
that an affair is never between just two people. He had more consequences to deal with. And the MC made him realize how manipulative the OW is.
Telling also gave me another set of eyes to keep the bitch in check.
It is true that you do not know how this other spouse will respond. So what? If the OW and your H do get back together because of this, your marriage was doomed anyway.
I think that this is the right thing to do. All of the BSs out there wish that someone had told us. It takes courage to be sure. And it makes it easier for you since you don't know this guy.
Furthermore, how do you know for sure the A is over?
These workplace affairs are so difficult to really end. There seems to always be some excuse for contact, for there to be some conduit for information to flow.
Make a plan for how you want to go about this, then go do it!
I did tell my husband's OW spouse but only after the no contact was broken. I felt she (the OW) did not take is serious that he was to stay away. SHE didn't have any consequences so she didn't feel the need to stay way or she thought it was cute that they were "sneaking" when they at least knew I knew. Once her husband found out all hell broke loose. He threatened to harm her and my husband. Nothing came of it, my husband is no wuss and was not afraid at all. It got so bad he just said let the chips fall where they may. But he didn't do anything he was beyond pissed, like me but you never know how anyone will act. My counselor said when I first brought up the idea of telling him right off, she said well I can see both sides and I'm not going to advise you on what to do but you have to know you have NO CONTROL over another person. So, I see both sides. If they had stuck to the no contact, I would not have said anything but since they seem to think I was playing, well...
Would I want to know YES absolutely but I'm also a pretty level headed person. Did I want to tell yes right away but I was a bit nervous about what if harm had come to either of them. It was their own doing but I still would have felt bad if physical harm or worse came to either of them. So just think about it all before you decide. It's YOUR choice.