Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Revenge cheat

Wheretonow
Wheretonow

Betrayed spouses, I would love to hear about all the irrational, out of character things you found yourself doing out of sheer rage and hurt after finding out you were betrayed. I am 4 months since my D day and I sometimes don't event recognize myself because I feel so mentally unstable. 


Even though we are in counseling and I know it's illogical and is completely hypocritical, I find myself wondering if having a mindless fling would help me feel better. If it would level the playing field or if that would help me relate to what my spouse felt when he was cheating. 


When I'm in this vengeful state, I feel like I would feel completely guilt free and justified if I were to cheat. And especially because I've only been with my husband my entire life. 


Realistically I don't ever want to stoop to that level nor focus on vengeance at all but my mind just goes there multiple times a day because I'm so hurt and helpless at times...


Has anyone cheated to get to even with their cheating spouse? Or done other vengeful things out of fury? I just think it's probably quite normal to feel your way during this stage and I'd love to hear all the feedback from various vantage points. 


And to cheating spouses, did your spouse ever threaten to give you a taste of your own medicine? Or maybe you did get to taste it... Do you ever fear your betrayed spouse finding someone on the side as you did? 


Just wanted to explore these feelings as I don't think I'm the only one who has thought this way... Confessions, advice, wisdom, judgement... They are all welcomed. I think just reading your comments from various vantage points would help me greatly. Thank you & good luck to everyone with their journey no matter what end of the spectrum you fall on <3

heartache5
heartache5
Yes your thoughts are normal. Im 3 months in and sure had some of those paas through my head. In my anger I told him maybe I should cheat so he could feel the pain. But I didn't and you won't neither should. It's not in you or me to cheat. We are not like them. It won't make us feel better to have revenge sex and if your partner is renorsefull and ur working on things than it actually dies make things work. So I wouldn't recommend it. That said the thought is completely normal. It feels unfair he had sex with soneone else. It also makes us loose our confidence and I truly wondered if there's still man interested in me. 1 night 1 went out on a wirk dinner since D-day. It took much longer than expected. Turned out my cheating boyfriend had been worried sick that u actually did go for a revenge cheat lol. Made me feel good that he was worried. But no don't do it. I'm now 3 months in and don't have the revenge thoughts anymore, so give it some time.
It does make me feel good when I see he feels really guilty. I'm not proud of that I just say mean things out of anger. I'm trying to work on that as we are trying to fix things. So I'm not helping the healing but sometimes I can't help myself and just keep drilling him on how much he hurt me and how selfish he was. But I don't recommend doing that either. It so t help ur relationship moving forward. It's just anger coming up. So ur not the only one with those thoughts. But don't reach down to their level it won't bring satisfaction as that's just not who you and I are. Good luck
whatnow12405
whatnow12405
I have thought about it, it's only been 3 weeks since I found out. I know I could never and would never do it because that's not who I am, I have morals and I never did when given the chance in the past. I know that maybe at the time it would make me feel better but in the long run it wouldn't. I know it wouldn't help anything. The thing is this is my biggest issue my husband is the only one I've been with since 2009, he can no longer say that about me. He is of course the only one I've been with during our marriage, again he can't say the same about me. That's what bothers me, that he is the only I've been with for the past 8 years and I'm not the only one he has been with. I have thought maybe about even having a 3 sum with him involved so that it's not cheating but I still get to have what he did, that I get to experience someone else during our marriage like he did and that the playing field is leveled but I still get to keep my morals. I do at times when I'm hurting and want to hurt him talk about cheating or being with someone else. He knows it's possible and I know it hurts him to think about it, but like I told him for him that's all it is right now. Just a thought for me it's reality for me I have actucally pictures that at times haunt me(thanks to the OW for send me them). I want to stay and I want to work things out with him and I know cheating wouldn't help, even though he said if I did he would understand. I just wouldn't feel good about myself. I think these feelings are normal and will eventually die down.
Wheretonow
Wheretonow
@heartache5 thank you for your reply and I'm sorry you're going through this as well. You're right, we are better and we shouldn't lose our morals just to get even with our cheating spouse. I know ALL the feelings you're describing. It feels good to shame them at times and it feels good to see them worried and jealous that we may do the same back to them. As petty as it sounds, at this point those tiny moments of control help us feel a little less powerless and hopeless. I hope you continue to heal and best of luck to you!
Wheretonow
Wheretonow
@whatnow12405 thank you for your reply. Yes, it bothers me so much that our story has changed permanently. That now I have to live with the knowledge that there's been others who have shared intimate moments with my husband. Mine didn't have sex or affairs but it still is a permanent dirty memory that has tainted what I thought was our perfect love story.

Even though I know better, I still feel like I'll have to let off some steam by making out with a hot stranger who I will never see again. Just because I don't think my spouse deserves my complete faithful devotion after what he has done. But i know I'll feel horrible down the road...

I really commend you for taking the high road when you've actually seen images of the betrayals. Omg, I can't even imagine the pain and the fury.... That OW is such trash! I'm sure your husband realizes that as he sees his wife taking the high road after everything she's been put through. I wish you the best of luck and lots of healing thoughts as you work through this difficult time.
forwardmotion
forwardmotion
It's likely every betrayed spouse thinks of these fantasies in the moments of anger and resentment. I know I had a lot of these thoughts initially and now much less frequently after almost 1.5 years.

You have to ask yourself where this urge really comes from? Why do you need to have them go through the same pain as you?

If you are trying to work out things in the marriage it doesn't seem to make sense that you would want to jeopardize your progress. I think the real reason is that deep down you want them to understand what they did to you and the pain they have caused you to the fullest.

I find when I tell talk to my wife about how the pain I am feeling and she empathizes and feels deep remorse for the damage she caused that these thoughts melt away quickly. This would be a different way to achieve the same goal. Of course this depends on a cheating spouse being able to empathize and wanting/willing to listen to you talk about your pain.

Having a revenge affair is exactly the same as what the cheater did, take the easy and cowardly way deal with their internal problems and achieve their goals.

Communication is always a better way to deal with conflict and pain. This isn't what the cheater did, but I hope the betrayed spouse can take the moral high ground and learn from the cheater's mistakes.
HopelessInlove
HopelessInlove
I dont think it works. Even if u do, u are slow. Man's ego goes "well.. I did first. The rest i dont care." i threatened to tell his family about his real behavior which beats a family man's ego. Even that he doesnt care. He had his fun. Thats all it matters. And you shouldn't go sleep around like animal like he did. Have some self respect at least. I know its painful. Ive tried alot of revenge methods that im bordering the law. Makes me feel better a little but to them, nothing. They have no sense of shame or guilt.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
I was a CS, and sure, it is on my radar that my spouse could cheat and I would have to be pretty understanding. I would be surprised if he did it for revenge, knowing him.
Lookingforpeace14
Lookingforpeace14
I went out to cheat, and decided to not even though I had the chance. It wasn't what I wanted. I tried getting the other woman kicked out of the military for adultery. The only thing I did was use very mean hurtful words towards my husband that I wish I could take back.
refurb
refurb
wow gravinggirl, your last sentence is so mean and judgmental.
gravinggirl
gravinggirl
Not intended that way. What I meant is that he does not want revenge on me, so if he had an affair, that would not be the motivation.
marglaw
marglaw
I'm a CS, and although I can't speak for my husband, I don't believe it's something that has crossed his mind since I told him of my affair. He's not the vengeful type, and he's not an angry type to throw threats at me. The only "threat" I heard was "you need to see a counselor or this will not work." Everyone is different though. Would I have I no choice but to be understanding? Yes. Would it hurt? Of course. But I also know, two wrongs don't make a right and if you're both focused on fixing your marriage, you cheating definitely won't help. One thing my counselor asked my husband several weeks into our therapy sessions was "have you actually told your wife how it made you feel when you found out about her affair?" She made us adjust our chairs so we faced each other and he let it all out. Mainly, sadness he was holding in because he wanted to keep a sense of normalcy at home. It was definitely heartbreaking for me to see just how badly I hurt him. So I guess my question to you is, have you in a constructive way, expressed just how hurt and angry you are with your husband? I sense that maybe you just haven't let all your hurt and rage out.
heartache5
heartache5
Forward motion has wise words as always
swifty318
swifty318
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Findingmywaytome
Findingmywaytome
Yes. I think/thought some crazy stuff in the last 4.5 months.. Wondering thought--Is it crazy to want someone to desire you, when your spouse didn't? No, not crazy. In fact, I'd say it is super normal to want to feel better by acting out. Some ways are just more revenge-y than others.

Do i think about the saucy texts, videos, chatting on line, hot showers with the other person, secret meeting places and devilish acts in cars, hotels, houses and offices? Sure. I'd be lying if I said I never have. The getting away with forbidden or naughty acts is likewise tantalizing...

And, whether I want to admit it or not, there is part of me that says F the moral high ground! He got to have his fun party time--secrets and illicit fun sex and someone else being willing to do anything for him. So yeah, I want him to feel this pain, this sadness, this loneliness, this betrayal and KNOW his choices started this escalation. Healthy? Nope. Rational? Nope. Vindicating? Maybe. But at least I'd be honest about it.
Patrick57
Patrick57
I’ve contemplated it. It would at least replace the mental movies of my wife with another man. Been faithful for 18 years. Deep down I know I couldn’t live with myself for doing it. She already jeopardized our family with her indescretions I wouldn’t want to be the reason things ended. If there were no kids involved I’d probably not have even tried to reconcile in the first place.