is she willing to get help with you? will she go to counseling? i think anyone can change if they are truly willing, remorseful and want the help. i think if both of you are in therapy you can better make the decision as to whether or not you can trust her again and as to wether or not it would be better to work on it still together in the same home or with some space. i think each individual situation is different and you have to find what works for you..feeling scattered is so normal (i feel the same way), but therapy can help it all come together a little clearer.

i wish you peace in your choices and the best of luck in finding the joy in your life and in your own self again!

thank you for your advice. I am now and have been for some time in councilling. While it is not for my marital issues soley I do spend alotta time discussing my marriage issues as my first 2 wives cheating on me has caused some problems. I go for PTSD I am a disabled vet . To give a little background when I returned home from The first Gulf war my first wife had cheated ( I found out later ) after Yougoslavia I was in a hospital in England and when I returned home my wife had moved from our home in Virginia to lorida with my best friend. So my ptsd and my mistrust of women go somewhat hand in hand. She has committed to me that she will make an appointment today with a councilor and she has stated that she will go to marriage councilling. My fear now has become does she want me back for me or for my disability checks. I am very confused and dont know weather I want to go back with her because it is comfortable or because i want a life with her. The age old addage the hell you know is easier than the hell you dont know. I just know that having read the very discriptive emails that her and the om shared I cannot close my eyes and not see them together and how do I look at her and not see her going down on him . Sorry for the vulgarity. I know that I want to try but there are so many obsticles in our path I dont know if it is better to stay gone or to try and work it out only to feel even greater pain in the future. This i do know this site has already proved to be invaluable to me as i look forward to each and every reply and it is helping my confusion. Thank you all

wow, you have definitely been down a tough road and i'm sorry for that. i understand the trust question all too well..i have those same obsessive thoughts. my ex has cheated on me many times (feel free to read my journal for 'my story' if you like, but it's long) and i kept trying to forgive and trust, but it never happened...sometimes i do really believe though that if he had truly stopped and earned my trust i could have forgiven and probably really trusted again. but since he did NOT do that my distrust only grew deeper. i still struggle with the obsessive thoughts of him with the other women..i've come a ways from constantly playing what i call "their sex tape in my eyes" over and over in my head, but believe me it took a lot of time and i still play it in my mind periodically. there was a time though when i litterly could not turn it off..no matter what i was doing or where i was i saw him in my head with one of these women, picturing him smiling at her, laughing with her, touching her, kissing her, naked with her, having sex with her, on and on and on. i used to even try to imagine the conversations they might have had when they were together...ugh even now i still feel sick to my stomach. i wish i had answers for you, i don't...i don't even have them for myself. but i do know that picturing them in our mind serves no purpose but to hurt us more and is coined "obsessive thinking". to stay or not is a really tough choice...i'm reading a book now called "how can i forgive you? the courage to forgive and the freedom not to" by janis abrahms spring. it's been very helpful to me and maybe one you might look into. susan forward wrote a great book called "obsessive love, when it hurts too much to let go" which was extremely helpful in letting go of some of the obsessive thoughts i was having...i know most of these types of books are targeted at women, but can be very helpful to both...i think obsessive love is well written for both men and women.

this site truly is invaluable and is helping me so much..i'm so glad i found my way here and that you did also!

I dont have to imagine what they have said or done i have the emails. I asked her last week when i got word that she was cheating and had she been honest with me then i could have dealt with it alot better . Having read the e-mails just sucks because I read her telling him she loves him and looks forward to there lives together. I have read how he is the biggest and the best she has ever had. I have read that he is her true sole mate. Like I have read on other post or journals here I think I need to know the details but can I deal with the details. How do i trust that after the holidays he wont leave his wife for her and Im right back here again. How could she throw me away , knowing that the biggest and worst hurt she could put on me is to cheat. How do I ever trust her again. She wants me to go to dinner with her and my stepdaughter tonight and to come home so we can work on the problem , how to I do this. Cheaters man or women just suck. The damage they cause is far worse than they could possibly imagine and far worse than I ever wanted to feel.

if you're not ready to go home then you shouldn't, but it's a choice only you can make..sometimes we need time away to heal, sometimes we need time together to heal. maybe you should consider dinner but not going back home yet..maybe dinner is too "normal" and you should wait until you've had time for you and her to talk and work through a little bit of your confusion and pain first...idk i wish i did, but i hope you find the strength to make the right choice for you...and if you decide you make the wrong one allow yourself the freedom to change your mind...we do have the freedom to make choices for ourself without thinking of how it affects our offender. i know how tough it can be to read those emails..i read plenty myself when snooping in my exs email accounts and was even forwarded a bunch from his "sex friends", complete with pictures and all, i don't think i'll ever remove those images from my brain an i hate that! i had to read things about how i was just a "toy" to him and nothing more, as some of the women he cheated with developed feelings they would ask him to break it off with me and he would even tell them that he was fine with telling me that he and i couldn't even be friends to be with them (now, that's nothing he ever did, just something he told them to keep them around i guess, but it hurt just the same). for me i don't think i could ever trust him again, but that doesn't mean that's the case for everyone. i actually know several people who have wonderful lasting relationships with eachother after infidelity, but know even more that just had to leave...

Sorry for what you have been through.

The letters and emails are part of the affair fantasy. The affair partners write whatever they think the other would like to hear most. Thus...'biggest and best'. It's what your wife thought the OM would want to hear. The OM often tells them 'you are so beautiful, sexy, I love you....etc. They too don't believe it...it's just part of the role they are playing. Lonely damsel in distress vs rescuer.

It will take you time to get over these things, but in time you will gain perspective.
Whether you want to stay with her is clearly your decision. If she is remorseful, and wants to go to MC with you, perhaps it is worth trying.

just found out that the affair lasted almost a year. To think that that man was sleeping with my wife the same time I was is killing me.

The pain really sucks. I found out that my husband has an affair on me a few months ago. At first it was like my whole world was shattered. We have a 1 year old little girl, and I thought a pretty good marriage. He cheated with a bartender at a school he was attending. We are trying to work it out right now. I left for a couple of weeks, then he slept in the patio for about a month. Now we just go day by day. I think the realization that he was going to loose me and his daughter sunked in somehow. Not to mention he realized alot more about the other woman. In the beginning anyone can look good, but just give it some time. The truth about how "ugly" the other person is will come out. If your marriage is worth something to you and to her then I suggest you try to work it out. But if she isn't doing everything possible to stay with you, then there is a problem. She made the mistake and she needs to be the one doing everything in her power to fix it.

Well we talked last night and there is definitaly remorse there. The affair ended last June so she has been aware of what she will lose and now she is in fear of losing it, She is going to her first shrink appointment today and if you knew her back story you would know that that is a humungous show of remorse and is showing what she is willing to do to make this better. Since she was 13 she has had many many ppl wanting her to talk to somoene to make peace with her life and learn how to be happy and she has refused every time. Again today she does this and after thanksgiving she and I will start couples councilling as well. I hate how we have gotten here but I truelly beileve that today is the first day of the rest of our marriage . Ok so you may understand this or may not but in ten years if we are still together then I know it will be because she cheated and because she finally took the steps to get healthy. I really wish she had not done what she did I dont trust her I dont really like her very much right now but I do love her. i am hopefull for the future and have decided that for my happiness I need to work on this from our home not stay with my folks ( have a spare bedroom ) . Ok so I really hope this isnt offensive to anyone but has anyone experienced an overwelming sence passion when they look at the one that cheated and they see them hurting and trying to make it better. This confuses me . I have thought about it all night and this is what I have come up with. Last november her affair started and lasted till June. In this time her activities and guilt drew her away from me now I know she knows I know and she is able to once again focus on me and our marriage so it is kinda like we are new again. Maybe im way wrong maybe it just wishfull thinking and I am setting myself up for terrible heartbreak but I am very hopefull.

I am so sorry for the anguish you must be in.

Your decision depends on what your heart can take.

What is important is for you to realize that she did the wrong thing. It is a major betrayal. She cant blame you, and you cant blame yourself.

And she must DEMONSTRATE her remorse with real action.

Your decision probably hinges on whether she shows true remorse and if you can once again trust her.

For me, my decision was 'no', for she is a compulsive liar, and has been since early in our relationship. That just added the extra dynamic that destroyed all chances of me trusting her again.

All the best mate:)

Curious.....what was her reason for starting the affair? And in her words in the emails...trying to leave for the OM? That needs to be dealt with before any recovery can take place, otherwise this will happen again.