I didn't read that one. I read After the Affair. I liked it and thought it gave good insight to some questions I had regarding affairs in general. While I don't feel responsible for my H's A, I know that I am responsible for some of the issues in our marriage. Could she have been referring to marital issues that led into the A? I know alot of people here have read and refer that book and most would never be ok with that position. Just curious.

I haven't read this book but it doesn't sound like one I would agree with. However, my H and I both listened to the audio version of After the Affair, and we both learned many things about how our relationship got to where it was, and why he felt the need to look elsewhere for attention, which led to his EA. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I played a part in the breakdown of our relationship. Neither of us could communicate our needs or feelings to each other. neither of us wanted to be the first to say I am sorry, let's fix things. And while I didn't cheat, I did turn my attention elsewhere, to work, school, shopping, etc., and I withdrew from him emotionally and I became critical of him.

Yes, he still shouldn't have cheated. And I shouldn't have continually denied him attention and affection.

If he hadn't have had the EA, and if I hadn't had found out, we still would not be communicating and we might be divorced by now. But we have a better relationship than we ever had and than I ever had with anyone else. Something wonderful came out of something terrible. I will never be able to joke about it. But I also don't ecpect it to haunt me forever, either.

Socrushed, that book was recommended to me but I haven't read it yet. After reading what you wrote I think I won't read it and you shouldn't continue reading it either if it is bothering you.

I agree with 3GuysMom. I may be partly responsible for issues in my marriage but not my husband's affair. If that was the case then I would also have the right to have an affair because it's not like my husband has fulfilled me in this relationship.

This is a title that comes up recommended very often here. Several people suggested it's a great book for BOTH partners to read and understand each other. Coincidentally, I had bought this and another book for H (Merry Christmas, hohoho!) and after yesterday's setback, he started on it (was reading the other first).
I'd only glance through it briefly but H comes to me earlier today and swears I must've already read it because of things I've said and done thus far. I told him I hadn't, but give me an example of what he's talking about.
He brought up truth traps. I gather that means asking a question you already know the answer to, and if the CS lies, of course you've trapped him/her. OK, so???? Does the book say that's good, bad, expected, or what? I don't know that so I told him look, finish the book and take notes, then I'll do the same and then we'll talk about what's relevant to us and what's not. For instance the focus of this book is affairs, and H so far hasn't given any indication he did anything but pay random strippers, masseuses and whores to get his fix.
But the book had come so highly recommended as beneficial that I thought we should both read it. I'll keep an open mind til I do, but just remember no one source is going to 'nail it' completely for all of us in the incredibly varied world of betrayal.

I do think there's validity to considering that the BS can have some responsibility in the marriage getting to a crucial point - sometimes - without justifying the cheating. I'm willing to admit that I could've done some things better.
And maybe at some point you do heal completely and can laugh a little. Or maybe that's just embellishment to make people think whoa! this woman's good - better buy her book and USE it!! LOL
Right now the only jokes I'd make would be tongue in cheek shots at H, and I know I need to refrain from that as much as possible.

Hugs,
CR64

I haven't read that one and it sounds like complete crap to me. I take NO responsibility for the affair. Period. I'm offended just by what you say is in that book.

I'm halfway through reading "Unfaithful" which is also filled with the same crap.

We had a happy, normal marriage before all of this happened. It wasn't perfect and there are things that have been improved. But that in no way makes me responsible for his actions.

I read Surviving An Affair and it was good.

I have read this book, and I found it EXTREMELY helpful. I also did not read anything in it that suggested the A was in any way the fault of the BS. In fact, I specifically remember many instances where Glass states that the BS has to be careful NOT to blame themselves--because it wasn't their fault.

I understand your point about the humor thing, and personally, I found that nightgown and wig bit in poor taste. But I took that as coming from a couple who had healed together, and that the blonde wig stunt took place many years after the A, at a time when both could look back on the A with some distance and find ironic humor in it.

I'm not saying I would ever laugh or be that comfortable with it, but I think the greater point is that to help maintain your sanity, it can be useful for some people to find things to laugh about, particularly regarding the A. It kind of puts the CS and BS on one side of the fence, and the OP on the outside. Again, I'm not saying that's for everyone, but I see what the author was saying.

Personally, I have always valued my sense of humor. Shortly after the A, when talking with my W about her deplorable behavior, I would throw in some one-liners or zingers to lighten the mood. We'd both laugh for a bit, and I think it helped us empathize with each other. My W even said once: "I'm glad you have a sense of humor about this."

I don't always--but I try to find those moments when I can take a step back and find some self-deprecating humor to make me smile. Smiles are in short supply these days, so I do cherish them.

I will say, though--if my W started making jokes about the A, I'd probably flip my shit. Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend that book to any BS, and even the CS. It uses very good descriptions to describe the emotional devastation an A causes the BS, and I think it's good for CSs to see such vivid descriptions of our pain.

One other point--I also remember the book saying that the A can give the reconciling couple an opportunity to examine their marriage and see if they can find ways to improve it moving forward. That's a far cry from blaming the BS for any part of the A. Perhaps the author didn't communicate that clearly, but I certainly didn't read it as blaming the BS for anything.

BetrayedLost, wow, those lasts two posts of yours were too much for me to take.

I know how I am and I will never find any humor in my husband's affair except for maybe his stupidity.

And as far as things working out between us, I will never credit that to the affair because that gives the affair some sort of sick power. I will only credit us working together for our marriage healing.

I read "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair" and I preferred "After the Affair". I took things from both books and dismissed some things. I also read the ebook "Break Free from the Affair"

www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/new/

It really gave me great advice when my H wouldn't end contact in the beginning and it talks about the 180. It was very helpful.

I have also read the book "first aid for the betrayed" by Richard Alan. I liked this book very much. Although he also makes reference to the fact that our actions may have played a part in our spouses bad decision. He does stress that it is NOT our fault and the Cs should never convince us of that. I know I am stubborn on this issue, but will try to be more open to what these authors are really saying. I know my marriage wasn't perfect but I was in the same house living with the same stresses as my H and yet I didn't cheat. I never even considered it. So It is all just so hard to understand because I never would have risked our marriage by doing something so stupid!

Bellstar--Okay. That's fine. You are who you are. I wasn't trying to imply that you, or anyone else, should find humor in their lives after an A. I simply stated that "I" (in case you're still confused, that's NOT "you," that's "me") found some mild catharsis in laughing with my CS about very minor things with the A. You say it somehow gives the A more power. Maybe for you it does. For me, it diminishes its power. It helps me keep life in perspective, and this was another (albeit horrible) life event. I certainly don't think that I'm alone in that belief, but if I am, that's okay, too.

Also, as I said, this is part of MY response as the BS. I would NEVER condone a CS making light of the A unless the BS had made it clear that they were okay with that.

Who said anything about crediting the A for reconciling? I didn't. And I think the book simply used an example of a real couple in the author's practice, who, MANY years later, after fully healing their marriage, could look back on the A with some humor. They did that together. I don't like the context it was in--the wig, the sex stuff--but that's not for me to decide. That was THEIR story, not mine.

Frankly, I'm quite tired of defending myself from you.

Peace--thanks for the e-book recommendation. I'll check it out.

SoCrushed--I think it's a hard balance to strike when an author is trying to convey that while there may have been problems in the marriage, the A was still ONLY the CS's fault. But I know what you mean--I actually haven't read After the Affair because I've heard that that author really spends a lot of time blaming the BS. But given that a bunch of people here found it helpful, I'll probably check it out.

I found humor in the OW. I laughed at her all the time. She's an idiot and is one of the goofiest looking people I have ever met. I laughed at my H for hooking up with such an gross ugly skank.

I read: "The Five Love Languages,'' very, very good book! "Help! I'm in Love With a Narcissist!" also very, very good. "First Aid for the Betrayed'' good book. "The Gaslight Effect'' another good one. And finally, "Dating a Married Man: Memoirs from the Other Women'' a really good look at what EMAs are really about. You will realize that most women who get involved with MM believe that they will eventually marry these men, when that's the last thing that the MM want. They're HOW when the MM are around, but miserable with curiosity about what he's doing when he's home with the wife and kids. It was an eye-opener for me. Sad way to live, if you ask me.

BetrayedLost, I didn't specifically mean you. I meant the things in your post that were from those books.

Also, I wasn't aware that you were defending yourself. Sorry if I made you feel that way. I just thought we were having a dicussion.

It's much easier to talk with people in person or on the phone, that way more can't be read into things like it is when reading it online. Also, the tone of a person's voice will let you know what they mean and things can be cleared up faster.

I've read "After the Affair", I didn't find it very helpful at all. I'm currently reading "Not Just Friends" and for the most part have found it very insightful. I never got that the BS should take part of the blame for the A but it does talk about taking responsibility for your part in how the marriage is going. I think she places the blame of the A were it should be placed on the cheater. She says that many people have bad marriages but not all cheat and goes on to describe why some may cheat and why some may not.

I haven't gotten to the part about the wig yet and it does sound in bad taste but I've made jokes about my H's affair. Sometimes it does help. However I would not "dress up" as the OW and seduce my H but to each their own. From what I read so far I doubt she (the author) is suggesting anyone do that but just used that couple as an example.