On the subject of humor ... my H and I laugh about some of the crazy things the OW did after he ended the EA with her. He said that he knew we'd be OK once I started joking with him about it.

That said, humor is a big part of our family so to have a topic that is 100% serious all the time was awkward. I guess it was my way of reassuring him that we'd be OK eventually and taking some of the pain away.

Sexting was a big part of my H's EA, so I told him I'd send him a racy text, which ended up being this:



He thought that was hysterical and still has it. (I'm pretty modest and there is NO WAY I'd send a picture of myself -- I think he was relieved that I wasn't entering the world of self-photography)

That's what I'm referring to as joking about the A.

Read Susan Forward's books when your "When Your Lover is a Liar" and "Emotional Blackmail".

I just ordered "not just friends" and "codependant no more" , they should be at my house this week. Once I have had a chance to read them I will comment but going in I know I would never have the sense of humor to dress up like the OM for my wife.

I've read almost every book on the subject in an effort to heal. "Just Friends" was definitely one of the best. You'll need to have "thick skin" to deal with the facts and heal. Keep in mind that these authors are offering opinions based on years of working with people who have been in a similar place as you. While the advice is sound, it may not apply to everyone and every situation.

An example of being able to laugh at a situation would be that my wife turned her EA into a PA in the back seat of a Toyota Prius. As we were leaving our neighborhood, my wife commented on my driving as making her nauseous. I pointed to the Prius in front of us and said "It's not my driving, it's looking at that thing that's making you nauseous." She laughed and said "it's good that we can laugh at that together."

I have read "After the Affair", "Not Just Friends" and others as well as the How to Survive an Affair Programs and a few other programs as well. No ONE thing gave me all of the answers. In fact alot of it is redundant because they all say the same things. For instance they ALL SAY that the BS is NOT responsible for the A!!! Unless you are dealing with a person that is a serial cheater and nothing in the world can be done on your part or any changes made in the marriage to fulfill the needs this person is chasing or even able to go to counseling with you to see if it can then SURE YOU ARE in the one type of situation where nothing you do or say matters. Frankly if this is the case then you are really wasting your time reading ONE book because you have the choice to leave or live with a cheater! However, if you fall into the other catagory with the rest of us where there is some changes that can be made of could have been made that would have made the CS feel differently and therefore not as vulnerable to cheat then you are with the rest of us. I do NOT take any responsibility whatsoever for my h cheating. I also feel that the main reason he did this was about his own feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and middle age crisis taking its toll. However, the other part was our communication difficulties. Had we been better able to talk then there is the possibility that he could have talked to me about these feelings. Also he would have felt more open to tell me about the OW and her advances which would have also altered how things went. Who knows. Then maybe NOTHING we did could have changed it. But I will say this.....Our marriage had issues that needed to be addressed and while this may have had little bearing on my h cheating it would have had a bearing on us making it or possibly him cheating down the road because we were in trouble.

Sometimes it is a matter of the complacency in the marriage. We get bogged down with kids and the heavy schedules of juggling soccer tournaments and all the other running around we have to do. We stop taking care of it. Are we are fault for the affair because we are too tired to have sex...NO.. but the fact that a person in this situation wouldnt see the direct connection would be a person being purposefully blind to the issues. BOTH parties play a part in the breakdown of the marriage, communication and intimacy. ONLY the CS is at fault for choosing to cheat! Not ONE book I have read has said any different.

What Not Just Friends is saying in the part being addressed in the OP is that the fact that the couple COULD find humor in the A was a true indication that the BS HAD FORGIVEN the CS..NOT that you MUST do this!

I am not at all sure you are at a place where you will be able to take in the things you are trying to read in a way they will help you because you are simply just still TOO angry. Not that I blame you for being angry. We have all been there. But your anger is coloring what you are reading and the context that it is to be taken.

For instance, I am a person that does use humor ALOT to deal with things. It is my coping mechanism. Could I dress up like the OW?? HELL NO! But I could find other ways to make jokes about it. Because my anger has faded enough to do this. Because I have forgiven my h. You havent reached this point yet. That is fine...You may NOT be a person that uses humor to cope with things... Thats ok too.

But again, that isnt even what the book is saying. The statement is clear... "AN UNMISTAKABLE MEASURE OF FORGIVING is when...." Simply stated that this is a time when you KNOW you have reached a point where you have forgiven the CS. NOTHING more.

I took different things from different books. For instance "Not Just Friends" helped my h to understand very clearly where he allowed the boundaries to be blurred from the OW being a friend to a inappropriate friend. It showed him ways that he sent signals to her that he would allow the boundaries to be blurred without even realizing he was doing it.

From "After the Affair" we learned the things in our marriage, our current situation (i.e. losing our home, him dealing with his age, our having been separated and current reconciliation, him getting a dui. We also learned other things that contributed to him cheating such as his issues with his childhood.

From reading "How to Survive an Affair" we learned how each of us was feeling at the early stages after dday and how to deal with those feelings. We learned how to talk about the A and all of the details that I needed. We learned how he could apologize to me in a way that it wouldnt sound hollow and how it would let me know his true feelings about what he had done.

We didnt read just ONE book to find a way through this, but many. He and I both did this as a joint thing. Because it took BOTH of us being very committed and active in the process.

Please remember also that these books are talking about couples with many differing situations and at many different stages of the healing process. It is hard to imagine when you are still in the early stages of this to feel some of the things we do after we have worked through it. I mean you HOPE you will but in the early part, you just cant see YOURSELF feeling it. I know I couldnt. In the early stages I couldnt imagine being able to talk about the A and it not making me cry or infuriate me. Now I can. Sometimes it will trigger bad feelings for me depending on what else is happening in my life at the time. But there are so many more times that I CAN talk about it. I couldnt imagine laughing, but I can now. I couldnt imagine having a single day that didnt hurt, but I now just have the rare day that I am hurting as I was.

Please as you read them, keep an open mind and know you should read more than one and just as you do on these boards. Take what applies to you and your life and leave the rest.

Just because someone writes a book...doesn't mean they're quite sane.

I think i have read every book ever written about an affair. I wanted to fix my marriage so much but I realized that it takes two and if you are both not 100% committed it still wont work.

I am getting a divorce and am at peace with my decision. If you are both comitted to making it work then I do believe it can be done.