Gave a year of my life to my cheating bf. I always felt something wasn't right from the get go, I actually spoke to him about it many times and he told me I was being paranoid and probably guilty myself. However, I have never cheated on him. He was always hot and cold. Refusing intimacy, always saying he is tired, Then September last year I caught him cheating . I actually confronted the OW over the phone. She was older, had a son and in a relationship of her own, They were indulging in phone sex and all sorts. He showed remorse but I just couldn't trust him. I found pics of 30 different women from his social life. Nude pics. All in neat folders on his pc. I am so traumatized by it all. In Jan this year I found out that he had a fake fb account and was stalking his ex. He also had all these other women on as friends which he claimed to have cut off last year. He has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive for majority of the relationship. I left him at the end of Jan.
He says he has changed, But I just do not trust him. I don't believe I ever could again. I get anxious and ill when I'm around him. I don't really want to go back but I'm so distraught and I've never felt this way before. I've been in other failed relationships but I got up and moved past it. For some reason this has made me super paranoid and anxious. Maybe because I actually confronted the OW and saw all those pics? Please help
I'm young and healthy. I'm an architect with a great career and I don't want my life to be ruined over this. I just want this feeling to go away

Gave a year of my life to my cheating bf. I always felt something wasn't right from the get go, I actually spoke to him about it many times and he told me I was being paranoid and probably guilty myself. However, I have never cheated on him. He was always hot and cold. Refusing intimacy, always saying he is tired, Then September last year I caught him cheating . I actually confronted the OW over the phone. She was older, had a son and in a relationship of her own, They were indulging in phone sex and all sorts. He showed remorse but I just couldn't trust him. I found pics of 30 different women from his social life. Nude pics. All in neat folders on his pc. I am so traumatized by it all. In Jan this year I found out that he had a fake fb account and was stalking his ex. He also had all these other women on as friends which he claimed to have cut off last year. He has been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive for majority of the relationship. I left him at the end of Jan.
He says he has changed, But I just do not trust him. I don't believe I ever could again. I get anxious and ill when I'm around him. I don't really want to go back but I'm so distraught and I've never felt this way before. I've been in other failed relationships but I got up and moved past it. For some reason this has made me super paranoid and anxious. Maybe because I actually confronted the OW and saw all those pics? Please help
I'm young and healthy. I'm an architect with a great career and I don't want my life to be ruined over this. I just want this feeling to go away

I truly believe that most people who cheat are unable to give you the truth, because they are in denial, they lack insight into how wrong their behavior is and they are constantly making excuses for their wrong doing, so they don’t have to admit to themselves how truly awful their souls are.
I probably sound harsh, but my experience of being on both sides led me to these conclusions.

I cheated on 2 of my partners when I was young. It had nothing to do with them.
I felt bored in the relationship, I was lacking attention and I only cared about satisfying my emotional needs without consideration about theirs or the consequences of my actions.
When you are in that mode, you have sex and then it’s over and it is like it didn’t happen, when you have no conscience.

Re: Kathy03

You need to figure out why you even started or continued with a relationship with a person like this for so long.

In order to avoid repeatedly dating these cheating types you need to figure out the questions above.

The priority of qualities start with the level of character the person you date has. Spend the time to get know a person without rushing into a relationship. Anyone who rushes you is trying to avoid you noticing some red flags that would eventually come up.

You have a promising career that took a lot of work, time, and commitment. Any successful relationships should require the same. There are no shortcuts.

Counseling may help you identify any childhood parental injuries that may have skewed your perception on relationships/love.

Truly, for no reason and millions of reasons. For me, it’s a midlife reawakening, an opportunity to be with an ex to relive my youth, an opportunity to feel alive snd desired in a way that wasn’t attached to being a mom or a wife. All selfish reasons, I know. My marriage is stable, secure, yet a bit boring. I’m shocked daily that it happened but still find myself slipping back into it. It’s a wonderful escape - mostly is emotional but I wish I had the balls to go full on sexual. The guilt would kill me or worse maybe it wouldn’t... then what. I’m in counseling snd she feels that perhaps our marriage has run its course. It’s hard to think clearly when another person is on your mind. My therapist also suggested opening up our marriage but that seems a bit weird too. We have young teens. I really just want my cake snd eat it too. It’s ugly but it’s the truth.

My husband chose a woman who looks more like a clown than a woman. She is foul and crude. I think it has more to do with HIS lack of self esteem than anything else. It is HIS problem, loss, issue and mistake. Not yours. Just know that someone else will be in your shoes in no time, while you are healing, getting stronger and moving on.

“ Happy relationship “ this is bs.
Is no way someone to be in happy relationship and to cheat. Is no freaking way . Either he loves you and appreciate you or he/she is unhappy and try to fulfill somewhere else.
Before you point him and blame him which might be correct from some points of view you should also sit down and think about how are you in daily basis.
Might save you from another asshole cheater in the future.
Love and happiness doesn’t leave space for cheating.

I'm not a cheater now, but I have been when I was younger. One thing I can say to his bs is that if you don't want to cheat you don't put yourself in a position where it is possible.
I flirt and am am flirted with all the time, but it is harmless and I make sure to send signals that say plainly that flirting is as far as it will ever go. It's that simple. Your mindset sets the boundries and you are either open or closed for business on your own terms. Plain and simple.

My ex-wife of 12 years left me for a 20 year younger, prettier woman than me who manipulated the crap out of her for months. I know she boosted my ex's ego and made my ex feel wonderful. Whatever my ex liked to do this 29 year old also liked to do. I could see it happening and I brought it up and discussed it but my ex kept saying-I am not interested. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. Well 4 months later my ex was with her for the 1st time. My ex left for about 3 weeks and came back and wanted "our life back." I took her back and things were great until 3 months later when she again told me she could not stop thinking about the other woman. Once again she left and this time they moved in together and it lasted about 4 months. Yep I took her back again but it was at a distance. Nothing sexual-just walking very slowly. We did this slow walk/rebuilding for about 5 months and yep the woman is back again. My ex cannot stop thinking about her all over again. She is moving out again next week and I'm sure they are moving it together.
I get the same thing-I love you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me, you are the kindest person I have ever met but I cannot be with you and be happy if I am thinking about her so I have to go do this again. My ex insists the 29 year old has changed this time.
She is 29, my ex is 49 and I am 55. This is the last time. My ex cannot come back again because no matter what, every day I will wonder am I going to hear the same thing all over again-I can't stop thinking about her

I am so sorry that it happened to you. I am a cheater and recently broke up with my partner but I can't tell you I did what I did exactly. My partner was an excellent one and I should have no complaints about our relationship. But I might have difficulty in loving others fully without keep looking for 'better ones' and maybe incapable of being loyal and I am still figuring out what's wrong with me and how I can be better. It's messed up, I know but I want to work on it although it is too late now for my ex. Definitely nothing is wrong with my ex and most likely nothing is wrong with you that made him cheated on you. My ex was wonderful and now I can only regret the damage that I've caused to my ex, physically, mentally. And it might be similar to your situation.

The honest answer is that he's flawed and immature and meeting his selfish needs was more important.. I had a emotional affair for the same reasons. It's not our spouses faults when life gets hard or whatever but rather we need to man up and walk away when temptation hits us and no matter how good or bad things are in the relationship,it does not mean cheating in anyway is a excuse to do something that is so incredibly damaging and hurt loved ones

Maggie11, you may be angry and resentful and doing revenge cheating. You should consider trying another therapist because yours sounds fishy.

Kim1963, check out YouTube videos about limerence. Your wife may have that.

I was the cheater.... i justified it as i was lonely, unhappy and all the blame was on my husband... I can't tell you why i did it, i thought i was in love and left for the new guy... i regret it all, i wish i had never cheated.. I look back and i was happy, i just didn't realise my happy was not what everyone else viewed as happy but i was! Now it is too late to go back... i am struggling with that everyday!

I was happy and just didn't see it!