He does not love you. Anyone who loves you,and knows how cheating will hurt you does not care about you. Cheaters are all about their ego and selfishness. You on the other-hand care too much.

Not a cheater .. but I do know that excuse is BS. He may love you. But the temptation of the shinny new thing in front of him was exciting. He’s selfish, unless he admits his fault... he will do it again, because that won’t be his fault too.

I admit he’s selfish but this other woman is so unattractive! I can’t tell u how shocked I was when I found out who it was. I know he loves me but he obviously had no qualms about hurting me so deeply. I know he’ll do it again if I took him back so I told him we’re done. So hard to go on alone......especially when I miss the bastard

It's probably not how she looks, but it's how she made him feel. And she may have pressured him; I have found out how pushy some women can be, to my naive surprise. My BF told me his AP "came on real hard to him", and it made him feel good to be wanted. No exuse, though, for following through. He also may not know exactly WHY he did it, and may never do the hard work of introspection to find out. OR it may just be a huge lie to cover him from the guilt of any kind of pursuit of another women. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that, as my BF said, he really, really loves me, and yet, he took such a chance of hurting me so deeply for 10 months.

The OW in my H's life is older and ugly. She came on strong, too. Cheating is fun. Cheaters lie to us and they lie to themselves and to each other.

He probably does love you but he enjoys the cheating more. If you leave or have left, his A will probably end soon. It won't be as much fun being with her when they are just dating. It was the risky behavior that added to the high.

You will find you are so much better off without him. Be thankful you only have eight years invested in him.

Thanks for your input StormP. I still can’t believe how ugly my ex’s other woman was and he’s actually very handsome. U must b right about cheating being more about doing something risky and exciting than the way the other person looks. I know he still loves me, even tho we’re broken up he bought me a Valentine’s Day gift and insisted on taking me out to dinner just as friends. I probably shouldn’t have but I let him take me out cuz Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday and I was feeling so lonely.

I'm a cheater. His excuse is BS but I do buy into self sabotage because of past trauma. I dunno him but is he sorry? If he is willing to work on himself then maybe it's worth it. That's up to you. Sometimes people will be happy and feel they don't deserve it so they will ruin it. I'm not defending him. But ive done my research. Good to hear from both sides

Thanks cheating4support. I know he has some trauma from his childhood but doesn’t everyone have some disfunction in their family? And he does crave attention which I thought I was giving him enough of. I know he was genuinely sorry because this is the first time in our 8 years together I have ever seen him cry. He still tells me he misses me and texts me every day. If there was any way to work it out I would but I just can’t trust him anymore.

It's not abnormal for the affair partner to be less attractive.

Someone with low esteem may feel not good enough for themselves or anyone.

Someone pursuing them hard who is less attractive will elevate their ego and see a grander reflection of themselves in the eyes of the affair partner. Essentially they will feel more deserving as the alpha and the affair partner being beta.

All the flattery and praise will boost their fragile esteem like crack cocaine. They aren't looking at the affair partner, just at how the other person sees them.

If you were the least intelligent person in a group of friends the easiest way to overcome this would be to join a group of morons instead. You would feel like Einstein and garner all the praise for your superior intellect.

That's why every group needs a "duff".

A lot of what u said makes sense forwardmotion. U almost sound like a therapist. For a while now my ex has been feeling down about himself cuz he gained some weight and just could not lose it no matter how hard he tried. I guess the OW boosted his ego and made him feel good that he could still attract other women even tho she resembled chopped hamburger meat lol

People with low self esteem are also self defeating.

A emotionally mature guy who has a great woman will say to himself, "I'm so blessed to have a great woman. I'm going to treat her well because she deserves it !".

A guy with low self esteem who has a great woman things, "I can't believe she would be with a loser like me and I can't believe that she could actually love me. She's too good for me and will probably leave me anyways. Wow, this girl of less quality than me wants me and is pursuing me. I'll save her and then she'll have to love me and stay with me forever!".

The weak man/woman will sabotage their own lives and relationships because their self focus condones selfish thoughts and behaviors as well as self victimization attitudes.

Woe is me,....I deserve to be happy.....it wasn't my fault...I didn't mean to do this.....you didn't give me this/that....it just happened....I didn't plan any of this......I felt powerless

A person of integrity takes ownership of their feelings and decisions. The consider the consequences of their actions towards others and themselves. Temptations aren't to blame for your decisions.

The propositioning hooker isn't responsible for you taking the cash out of your wallet, handing it over, booking a hotel, and doing the deed. There are a thousand little and incremental decisions from the time you meeting someone of the opposite sex to the time you hop in the sack.

"he said it was because the other woman kept pressuring him, he just did it to get it over with"

Nope.

You don't have a perfectly happy marriage and decide to cheat because someone kept pressuring you into it. That is absolute BS.

Your WS is not owning up to his responsibility in this at all.
Even IF OW pursuing him... so what? If she asked him out 100 times... it isn't hard to say no 101 times.
At some point, he felt tempted and he needs to look inward and figure out why someone else being interested in him seemed like such a good idea at the time.
At some point, he chose to say yes to her pursuing. He needs to do some work and figure out why he made that choice.

It sounds like he suffers from some really low self esteem.

You are 100% correct Kayarr. He longer lives with me but I feel like I can’t get closure until I talk to him and get him to tell me the real reason he cheated. It feels like someone died without him here. I wish I had the strength to forget about him.

I completely understand the need to get an answer about why he cheated.

I am going to pose a hypothetical: is there any answer that he could give you for “why” that would make you feel whole again?

I think short of “I had a gun to my head” the answer is probably not going to make sense or satisfy you. His thinking was warped and illogical.

You are going to have to find a way to move forward knowing that you will probably ever have a good answer for “why.” This is extremely difficult to do and painful as well. Accepting that someone you loved betrayed you so deeply and intimately for no good reason at all is one of the most painful things you can do. Wishing you healing.

I agree with Kay.

You are looking for a rationalization/justification of why he cheated, which will be illogical and will not satisfy you.

If you are looking at the underlying reason then you really already know; low self esteem, weak character, poor ability to cope with pain, and a deficiency in the ability to love others.