Here's an issue I'm still struggling with.

As some of you know I caught my wife having an affair back in October of 2008. Apparently it had been going on for about 5 months.

She really screwed up our relationship but has done all the right things since D-Day.

Of course, not wanting to make matter worse, she denies having had any other affairs over the course of our 24 year marriage.

But how do I know for sure?

Knowing now that she was open to this sort of thing, should I be so naive as to believe that the one affair she had was the one where she got caught?

I was reflecting last night about a number of instances over the years when I suspected that something might be going on.

On one occasion I found a photograph of a man posing sexually but clothed, in a comic way, lying on a bed, with a screw-gun in hand, in a customer's house (she's an interior designer).

I found this in her underwear drawer.

Another time a business associate of hers, after a couple of drinks, mentioned that he had an intimate discussion with my wife about anal sex. Apparently his wife wasn't up for trying it.

And there are quite a few other examples that were pushing the boundaries but you get the point...

But we're adults right? We're both pretty open minded about sex and have never been prudish.

Back when these things came up she made me feel like an idiot for even mentioning them. They were just co-workers clowning around.

So anyway...2 weeks before D-Day she went to a daytime business event at a hotel in Princeton. I wasn't invited. She primped and waxed (yes, that area, a new development)and got her hair done and got all dressed up...complete with new Victoria's Secret underwear. She said the designer ladies all get dressed up for an event like this; no big deal. The waxing was something she wanted to try but the timing was just coincidental. As the cops say, it just didn't smell right. When I asked if I should be concerned about all the fuss, she replied "what do you think, I'm fooling around?". Duh. Sorry sweetie. Again I felt like a jealous idiot for even mentioning it.

As it turned out, her web design class started at 9:00 AM and ended two hours later. She spent the rest of the afternoon with her "friend" who had driven down to Princeton and was there, in a hotel room, waiting for her. Ugh.

Weeks later I discovered an old archived invoice in her shop with his name on it; turns out she decorated his house back in 1995. So it is not beyond the realm of possibility that their affair has been going on since then. I still don't know for sure.

The more I dig; the more I uncover. So do I go deeper?

I really want to believe that there was just one affair with one man. But ultimately I want the truth, even if it means the end of our marriage.

I thought I could tell when she was lying to me. I was wrong about a lot of stuff where my wife was concerned, obviously.

So the question is...can we ever really know if our spouces have cheated "successfully" in the past, if we didn't catch them and they don't confess?

Or at least, how can I stop obsessing over it?