Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello, with my wife for 40 years, married for 35, cheated on for the last 15 plus. Saddest part, I knew about it all along. I can still see her going into the office to use the desk top computer for the first time and sending the email to an old friend. I can remember finding the silky panties hidden in the vanity drawer that first night she was going out to meet him under the guiese of going to meet her best girlfriend. I remember opening the text from him saying how he would meet her anywhere anytime but he must see her. And all this time, being lied to by the woman I loved for 25 years. Wait, it gets worse. After the text, I contacted a PI who setup two cameras in her car. He also gave me a GPS tracker to put in her pocketbook. They would infome me when she was traveling out of her normal routine but they refused to tell me where she would end up on those special days she went of course because they were worried about liability if I, well, you know, him. But, they would email me the pictures of what was being done in her car each time. Stills at first, then video. I never said a word about it that I had proof. I took the scumbag to lunch and I had all I could do not to lay him down on the trunk of his car and beat him till he stopped breathing. But, it wasn't him who was cheating on me. I had a face, and other body parts, and a name but I needed to put the face and the name together. I gave him a warning which he said he heard but as it turned out, he ignored.
For years, I knew it was still going on and I even got new pictures and video. This time I had my own camera because I couldn't afford the $100.00 per hour I was paying the PI. I also bought some spywear to retreive the text that were going back and forth and I had gotten all the emails from the home computer before my wife realized I could read them and told the D-Bag to use her work email. I was gathering all my ammunition and getting ready for the battle that I was sure was coming. I knew in my heart that my wife would be asking for a divorce and I was getting ready for war. I made two copies of everything so I could give his wife a complete package of everything I had collected over the years. Two complete files with emails, text, pictures, videos, and a travel log. Not to mention the pictures the PI's got of them when they were in the car in local parking lots during the day.
I was ready. I would look at the pictures and tremble. I would watch the videos and get sick form the anger going through me. I would let my wife know that I knew but kept the proof all to myself so she wouldn't know about it. I was hoping she would deny it in front of the judge and then I could have my lawer pass the folder to the judge so he could see what a liar she was. And then, I didn't care anymore. I would catch her in a lie and I would know when she was with him. She has 'Tells' and I knew them all.
Over the years I had some health problems which included some seriuos infections and each and everytime the doctors would ask if there was any possability of STD's I would answer, not on my part, but ask my wife. She was standing right there and said nothing and I knew she was lying. I knew she was having unprotected sex with this D-bag because I could see it in the pictures and the videos. But not a word from her and I would never give her up even when the doctors would ask again when she wasn't around. But, they were checking for everything so I knew that if it was an STD it would be found. Part of me hoped it would be related just to see the look on her face or hear the story that came out of her mouth.
For my 60th birthday last November, I told my wife that all I wanted from her was the truth about what she had been doing. To my surprise, she started telling me. Not the truth mind you at first, but at least admitted an affair for the first time. Of course, the first week was all BS. Then, I showed her a picture of her car parked at a hotel. She denied it was her car but you could see it in her eyes that she knew she had been caught. She sat on my lap and started the truth drip. Like pulling teeth to get the truth out of her and here we are 8 weeks later and the drip is still going on but she is coming clean finally.
Now, I am destroyed. Even though I knew it all these years. Even though I had pictures and videos. Hearing the words come out of her mouth has destroyed me like I have never been before. Now I'm lost. I'm empty. All feeling is gone. I have lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks. I can't get my mind off of this for any amount of time. I lost my father at a very young age and I got over that easier than I am getting over this. This is the first time I have mentioned any of this to anyone because of the forum being blind. I am not one who believes in therapy and I can't tell my friends because I don't want anyone to know what has been going on.
I won't go into details because you folks have all heard the same crap come of your cheaters mouths. But needless to say, she gave everything away over the years. She was in love with the scumbag and getting that out of her took 5 weeks. I don't want to tell his wife because I don't want to cause her the pain I am going through but this D-bag needs to pay a little something for what he did to his wife and his kids. They need to know what a POS he really is. But, I can't bring myself to drop a dime on him. My wife and this scumbag get away Scott Free from all of this. No consequenses for either of them.
My wife seems sorry. She seems to have remorse. She says she wants to work it out. But how the hell am I supposed to know after all the lies I've been told. I have no idea what is real and what is a lie. The only thing keeping me going is that we just welcomed our first grandchild in October and I have nicknamed him 'My Savior'. To be honest, I hope he is our Savior. I feel that she came clean finally because of him and she wants him to have an intact family to grow up in.
My wife ended the affair, she says. I have told the scumbag that if he contacts my wife again that he will not only see me in person again but I have his house number on speed dial.
So, that's my story folks. Sorry it's so long but I haven't found anybody else who has been through a 15 year affair so there's a lot to tell. I thank you for giving me a place to fianally tell someone else my story. I'm tired of writing a journal and letters that nobody ever sees but me.
I just find it curious that while being aware of your wife's cheating for 15 years you chose not to address it. Sounds like enabling to me.
To clarify my position on negative consequences (or threats as you call them), if my husband was engaged in behavior what was damaging to our marriage and my family, I would 1) make sure he was aware that the behavior was unacceptable; 2) make sure he knew what the consequences of his continued behavior are and 3) I would be prepared to carry out the consequences if necessary.
Now whether or not he stops the behavior is up to him, because as you note, I can't babysit him 24/7/365. But I refuse to accept repeated unacceptable behavior. Especially for 15 years.
As much as I agree with the logic behind your suggestions of consequences forcactions., for soneone tgat is betrayed it's just not tgat simple. There's pain emotion disbelieve hope etc involved. It's too easy to say I would do this or that in ur situation if ur not in soneone elses shoes.
The poster choose his way of dealing with this, he's going through a tremendous pain that only betrayed spouses can relate to. He should not gave to defend his choices.
I'm happy for him he sees the change in his CS . I surely believe in that people can change if tgey hit their rock bottom. Only time will tell.
@foolish if you get anxious when she leaves home to know if she is where she says she is, I do really understand that anxiety and it's really tough on us. Wgat helped me tremendously a phone app where can cab just see where he is at a certain time. I surely don't check it often. But if I feel a little anxious I can quickly check and get rid of my anxiety in a second.
Good luck to you and your partner.
I now have an idea of where you are coming from. I see you are a recovering alcoholic/addict yourself. Congrats. Good luck to you.
Now think about one of those meetings you go to on a regular basis. Think of how many of the people there are on their second, third, fourth, fifth ???? Relapse. Tell me, did the people in their lives try to set boundaries for them? Did they lay out what acceptable behavior was and what was expected of them? And how did that turn out for them?
Let me try this again for you. Maybe you missed it. 15 years ago, I was not willing to give up and walk out on my wife, my kids, and my life. 12 weeks ago when my wife started to come clean, of her own free will, without any threats hanging over her head, after looking in the mirror and not liking what she saw, I was still not willing to walk out on my wife, my children, now my grandson, and my life. Got it??? Any part you don't understand on that???
Just like with a 2 year old child who you tell not to touch the stove or else, there better be an or else or you're just flapping your gums. If you're not willing to slap their hands for touching the stove then don't make the threat. Now, before you go off on a tangent about that comparison, it's just that, a comparison.
But yes, they are threats. You are telling someone that you better do this or else. I call that a threat. Maybe you don't.
I am not sure where that term came from 'Enabling'? Ophra or Dr. Phil maybe. But it really doesn't mean very much. Maybe in your circles it does? If someone buys and alcoholic booze or an addict drugs, then he is enabling him to do his thing. But not tying them down to a chair so they can't leave the house and do it anyway doesn't mean that the person enabled them to do drugs or drink.
Again, you have no idea of what went on in this house for all these years. You have no idea what my reasons are for as you say 'putting up with' what was going on. But, it was my choice, and others may have handled it differently. Hell, I can think of ways now that I would have handled it differently. But the bottom line is that I would still be in the same spot that I am right now. There are people on this forum who were cheated on one time and they're here seeking help. They have the same feelings that I have, I have just had them for a longer period of time. Others are here because their spouses are serial cheaters and they have found out many times over the years.
I do have an idea of what you went through. Family members who are addicts and a friend who OD'd after 13 years clean. So I do have a little understanding of your issues. You have absolutely no idea of my issues, you said so yourself. My comparison is accurate. That's all it ever was. Stop trying to make a point out of something that even you agree with. Stop trying to split hairs. You deal with your demons, I'll deal with mine. Good luck to you.
Since this forum is as public as I ever want my situation to become, I am going to use it for a purpose. I am going to use it to make my 'Public' apology to my wife.
Yesterday afternoon I was down the hole and I went to a place that I never had before. In the 40 plus years my wife and I have been together I have never called her a name or made a derogatory comment about her. I found myself so deep in anger yesterday that I called my wife two of the worst names you can call a woman and especially one that you love. No need for me to write them here. We all know them well.
I verbally abused my wife yesterday and I used all of the weapons that I know of to hurt her. Then I topped it off by calling her names. I regretted it the moment they passed my lips but by then it was to late. Words can hurt and once they are said, they can't be taken back. Once they are heard, they can't be unheard. So now I have made them a part of our troubles. What I did yesterday was wrong. What I said yesterday was wrong.
Now I feel that I have finally hit rock bottom myself in all of this. I hit the lowest point in my life. If you can think of a bad emotion, I have it and I have it stronger than ever before. The only good emotion I have is hope. I'm not even sure you can call that an emotion but it is all I have right now. And I hope that something positive can come out of what I did yesterday. I am hopeful that maybe now, we can start to heal from this. Really heal. No more rollercoaster ride.
So, to my wife, please accept my apology for this. Please be able to find it in your heart to forgive me someday. Please understand that it was said out of frustration and anger. Please know that I love you and I am sorry.
However, I would say that this is a positive move forward because a big part of the cheater's realization is how much negative impact her actions have had on your emotions and soul.
Seeing how her actions have cause you to hit rock bottom may help her really understand how much she has hurt you and hopefully will respond in deep remorse. Perhaps this deep remorse will give her vigor in her push to ensure she grows in character and never does anything like this again.