Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello, with my wife for 40 years, married for 35, cheated on for the last 15 plus. Saddest part, I knew about it all along. I can still see her going into the office to use the desk top computer for the first time and sending the email to an old friend. I can remember finding the silky panties hidden in the vanity drawer that first night she was going out to meet him under the guiese of going to meet her best girlfriend. I remember opening the text from him saying how he would meet her anywhere anytime but he must see her. And all this time, being lied to by the woman I loved for 25 years. Wait, it gets worse. After the text, I contacted a PI who setup two cameras in her car. He also gave me a GPS tracker to put in her pocketbook. They would infome me when she was traveling out of her normal routine but they refused to tell me where she would end up on those special days she went of course because they were worried about liability if I, well, you know, him. But, they would email me the pictures of what was being done in her car each time. Stills at first, then video. I never said a word about it that I had proof. I took the scumbag to lunch and I had all I could do not to lay him down on the trunk of his car and beat him till he stopped breathing. But, it wasn't him who was cheating on me. I had a face, and other body parts, and a name but I needed to put the face and the name together. I gave him a warning which he said he heard but as it turned out, he ignored.
For years, I knew it was still going on and I even got new pictures and video. This time I had my own camera because I couldn't afford the $100.00 per hour I was paying the PI. I also bought some spywear to retreive the text that were going back and forth and I had gotten all the emails from the home computer before my wife realized I could read them and told the D-Bag to use her work email. I was gathering all my ammunition and getting ready for the battle that I was sure was coming. I knew in my heart that my wife would be asking for a divorce and I was getting ready for war. I made two copies of everything so I could give his wife a complete package of everything I had collected over the years. Two complete files with emails, text, pictures, videos, and a travel log. Not to mention the pictures the PI's got of them when they were in the car in local parking lots during the day.
I was ready. I would look at the pictures and tremble. I would watch the videos and get sick form the anger going through me. I would let my wife know that I knew but kept the proof all to myself so she wouldn't know about it. I was hoping she would deny it in front of the judge and then I could have my lawer pass the folder to the judge so he could see what a liar she was. And then, I didn't care anymore. I would catch her in a lie and I would know when she was with him. She has 'Tells' and I knew them all.
Over the years I had some health problems which included some seriuos infections and each and everytime the doctors would ask if there was any possability of STD's I would answer, not on my part, but ask my wife. She was standing right there and said nothing and I knew she was lying. I knew she was having unprotected sex with this D-bag because I could see it in the pictures and the videos. But not a word from her and I would never give her up even when the doctors would ask again when she wasn't around. But, they were checking for everything so I knew that if it was an STD it would be found. Part of me hoped it would be related just to see the look on her face or hear the story that came out of her mouth.
For my 60th birthday last November, I told my wife that all I wanted from her was the truth about what she had been doing. To my surprise, she started telling me. Not the truth mind you at first, but at least admitted an affair for the first time. Of course, the first week was all BS. Then, I showed her a picture of her car parked at a hotel. She denied it was her car but you could see it in her eyes that she knew she had been caught. She sat on my lap and started the truth drip. Like pulling teeth to get the truth out of her and here we are 8 weeks later and the drip is still going on but she is coming clean finally.
Now, I am destroyed. Even though I knew it all these years. Even though I had pictures and videos. Hearing the words come out of her mouth has destroyed me like I have never been before. Now I'm lost. I'm empty. All feeling is gone. I have lost 40 pounds in 6 weeks. I can't get my mind off of this for any amount of time. I lost my father at a very young age and I got over that easier than I am getting over this. This is the first time I have mentioned any of this to anyone because of the forum being blind. I am not one who believes in therapy and I can't tell my friends because I don't want anyone to know what has been going on.
I won't go into details because you folks have all heard the same crap come of your cheaters mouths. But needless to say, she gave everything away over the years. She was in love with the scumbag and getting that out of her took 5 weeks. I don't want to tell his wife because I don't want to cause her the pain I am going through but this D-bag needs to pay a little something for what he did to his wife and his kids. They need to know what a POS he really is. But, I can't bring myself to drop a dime on him. My wife and this scumbag get away Scott Free from all of this. No consequenses for either of them.
My wife seems sorry. She seems to have remorse. She says she wants to work it out. But how the hell am I supposed to know after all the lies I've been told. I have no idea what is real and what is a lie. The only thing keeping me going is that we just welcomed our first grandchild in October and I have nicknamed him 'My Savior'. To be honest, I hope he is our Savior. I feel that she came clean finally because of him and she wants him to have an intact family to grow up in.
My wife ended the affair, she says. I have told the scumbag that if he contacts my wife again that he will not only see me in person again but I have his house number on speed dial.
So, that's my story folks. Sorry it's so long but I haven't found anybody else who has been through a 15 year affair so there's a lot to tell. I thank you for giving me a place to fianally tell someone else my story. I'm tired of writing a journal and letters that nobody ever sees but me.
I wouldn't be to sure in your story that she's remorsefull, honestly I also wouldn't be to sure yet that she indeed broke of all contact.
Its insane to realize our partners used no protection and rather lie to the dr even and risk our health than come clean, pretty sickening, but they all are like that.
Being cheated on is extremely traumatizing, you say you don't believe in therapy, but I would recommend it regardless, You sound sad as so understandable. but I really recommend therapy individual.
I would definitely inform his wife, don't sent her the evidence unless she asks, but if shes not aware its to traumatizing. I would definitely introduce you to her and tell the story and if she wants evidence you have it. Yes she will be heart broken, but Im sure she rather knows and maybe still have a chance of finding a trustworthy partner in the future. her husband is just going to keep cheating on her either with your wife or someone else. I assume she rather knows than that she ends up with an STD.
Hugs to you, its a painfull rollarcoaster.
I must respectfully disagree about telling his wife. 15 years is not just an affair it’s an entire double life of another full fledged relationship. Affairs thrive in secrecy - she needs to know. I would want to know.
I couldn’t forgive my H’s series of infidelities. I don’t think I could forgive a 15 year relationship either. We would have to do a lot of deep therapy together but that’s just me.
I will say I was your age when I met my second husband and let me tell you - we have a healthy relationship- there is no wondering or questioning or lies or ‘strange feelings’. It’s normal and it feels good. It’s nevr to late to be true to yourself.
Good luck
All the ladies out there, would you really want to know what your husband is doing? I'm not so sure you would if you knew what the end result of the truth is. I don't know the scumbags wife but my guess is she is probably a very decent woman. Not sure I want to be the person who causes her the kind of pain I'm going through. As much as I would like to cause him pain, I don't want to cause his wife pain. And I knew long ago that I wasn't going to be doing time in prison for causing him the pain I want to cause him. He's not worth that. I believe in Karma. You answer for your actions in one way or another. If there's a God, maybe his wife has been doing everything that walks all these years behind his back.
Even though my wife "appears" to be working hard and honest at this point, I have no qualms divorcing her if I see her going down the same path again.
Whatever consequences to our son if this happens is hers to bear.
I'm happy for you you had the opportunity to let it all out. Tgat sure gives a relieve.
15 years is extremely long. That's indeed a double life. It's the question is she sad for what she did to you or for loosing her secret life.
Don't let ur guards down just yet.
I sure wouldn't feel comfortable as long as this nan is still out there unexposed of his cheating and around your wife. She might get drawn back to him sooner or later.
So telling his wife is fibally bringing him exposure and gets his focus of ur wife as well.
How renorsefull is she? Is she open and honest about everything and her enails and phone etc?
Be cautious cheaters ate good at faking and lying
Trust me, I know this is painful. I know in the moment when they are spilling their guts and their remorse to you it sounds like everything you want to hear. But really they are only sorry that they got caught or that their affair is over. At the very least they are sorry that something so stable in their life -their marriage- is ruined. At least in my case, my husband doesn’t want ME, he just wants to feel like he’s not a bad guy. And I remind him that he’s a scumbag. I won’t be the source of his pity for himself, and you shouldn’t either!
I also agree that the cheater’s wife should know for all of the reasons mentioned. I’d want to know. Plus if you don’t tell her she’ll have another thing to be angry about.... that nobody told her so she could choose what to do with her life. I know I would be. Being cheated on makes you feel so powerless, and finding ways to get the power back is one of the only things that helps. Don’t deprive her of that!
The general rules do apply. Trust but verify. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Words are cheap. They know how to lie. These are all good things to keep in mind when dealing with this. But, the bottom line is that everyone needs to look at their own particular situation and make the decision as to whether to try and save the marriage or to end it once and for all. And if you have decided to try to save it then you must start moving forward. If you decided to give your spouse a second chance then give them the chance.
As I have said earlier, my wife had 'Tells' and one of those 'Tells' was, she wasn't a very good liar. She got caught up in her own lies many times. She doesn't have a good 'Poker Face' either. When I would mention his name out of the blue to her over the years she would get the Deer in the headlights look. That answered my question. It also let her know that I knew she had just been with him, or recently. The woman who did this to me is still the same woman I have known for 40 years and as pathetic as it may sound, I know her very well.
I got the feeling a year or so ago that my wife realized she made a mistake. I got the feeling a year or so ago that she regretted it. I believe that it took the birth of our grandchild to be the push that she needed to finally come clean about it. And, I hope that it will be that same reason that will keep her from doing it again.
I am not stupid. Although some of my actions may seem that way to you. I am not naïve. I knew this was going on. I hoped she would stop it for years. She didn't until now. My wife didn't have to come clean on this. She could have kept it up and continued lying about it. She had no idea that I had the proof that I had. So, to me, something happened that made her want to come clean about it now. Something changed in her mind. Maybe she changed. As I've said, I know my wife. I love my wife. My wife deserves a second chance and I will give her that chance. I want to trust but I will verify. I want to believe but I will be skeptical.
I kept this all to myself for all these years for two reasons. One, I love my wife. Two, I love my family. Right now as in all the past 15 years, I am not ready and willing to give up on either of them. We had good, hell, we had GREAT for many, many years. It's my hope that we can get back there. If in 6 months I'm here singing a different tune then you folks all get to say 'we told you so'. But each and every story on this forum is different. The people involved are all different. There are no hard fast rules and no one size fits all solution to each story.
It certainly is your choice to give her a second chance and given that you have been able to live so many years with her knowing she is cheating on you probably means you can manage it somehow if she were to continue cheating.
No one here wants to say, "I told you so." but rather to share understand and wisdom gleaned from going through similar experiences.
No one deserves a second chance but it is can be given by a betrayed spouse, as you intend to do. I don't want to refute or argue all of your points, but as you read through this forum and go through a few more stages in the post affair process you will have more clarity on the reality of your past relationship with your wife.
How many stories on this forum deal with multiple betrayals over the years because the cheater was discovered and told to stop only to start up again with the same person or somebody new? You can't force somebody to change, they have to want to change. I believe my wife wants to change. I believe that she hit rock bottom. I believe that she finally saw that what she had all these years wasn't as bad as she may have thought 15 years ago.
You say that no one deserves a second chance, I disagree with you. You have your situation and I have mine. I don't know yours, but I know it's not the same as mine and I am positive of that. You can have no idea of what my marriage was like before my wife made this choice. And since I lived it for all these years I think my view on it is better than yours. If I have a terrible day on July 15th I don't say the whole year sucked. So, I don't say that my whole marriage sucked either. Even through the past 15 years, there were some very good times that took place. We were not at each others throats during this period.
I chose the name Foolish1 because that's what I feel like sometimes with all of this for many reasons. At times, I'm also happy. Maybe I should change my name to HappySOB? No, right now I still like the Foolish1. I wish you luck with whatever decision you have made about your particular situation. I hope you made the right choice for everybody involved. Again, that is different for every situation too. I hope I made the right decision for my situation. Time will tell
Deserve indicates an entitlement so I think we disagree more in terms of definition. From what you are saying you are highly inclined to give her a second chance given some past failings of your own which she may have forgiven you for.
In terms of not confronting her many years ago when you knew about the affair you give an interesting analogy about people who are alcoholics and the need to hit rock bottom.
I agree that she may not have stopped the affair given that it really is only the cheater who can make that choice and decide to reform and change.
I don't think confronting the cheater is simply about stopping the behavior, it is exerting boundaries of appropriate and acceptable behavior. Interestingly enough this act in itself creates a situation where the cheater may potentially lose everything and therefore will hit rock bottom. Regardless they have to face the light and make a decision between change or the end of the marriage.
When someone decides not to confront the alcoholism or allows it to continue it is called enabling.
Like you mentioned in your reply perhaps there are things you did during your marriage before caused you to believe you in some way this was your fault and had to endure the consequences.
Certainly your story will dictate how you responded before and how you feel now.
Every narrative on these boards is different and unique in their own way, which will affect how we respond.
The danger is to assume that your decisions in the aftermath as a betrayed spouse are inherently correct because you know your story best.
Us betrayed spouses have a lot of regrets on how we could have handled things better or made better decisions after finding out and sometimes it takes outside perspective to see these things.
Professional help, trusted friends/family and this forum provides this.
As far as blame is concerned, I went down that road at the beginning of all of this 15 years ago. Blamed myself, looked for what I was doing wrong. What could I have done better, different and such. Came to the conclusion back then that it wasn't me, it was her. Now after hearing some of the reasons why, I still feel the same way. But, now I do know what some of her reasons were. I don't buy most of them but I know what she was thinking at the time. Also the reason I think it's over now.
My actions were done to protect myself from these two people being able to do any more damage to me than they had already done. I made the right choice for ME. Others would have handled it differently. In fact, had this happened when I was 30, I would have handled it very differently. Each and every person handles this in their own way. You mentioned how willing you are to divorce your wife in an earlier post. So my guess is you hope that threats will keep your wife faithful? Tough way for her to go thru life but if that works for you folks, good luck.
Me, I prefer for my wife to have come to the conclusion that she wants to save our marriage and I damn well will give her and US the chance to do so. I can't change the past. I don't have a DeLorean to jump into and go back in time. I will put in the effort. I will do the work needed to try and move forward.
Do the professionals change what happened? Do your friends and family change what happened? From my standpoint, that's impossible. Nobody can change what happened. And the only two people who can change anything are the two involved. They are the ones who need to talk. Who need to look at what's left to build on. We have a lot to build on. Those two need to decide if what is left is worth making the effort to correct the problems. I don't have a counselor living with me so they would have no idea what our life was/is now and before. If my wife can't open up to me then we are already done. I'm not finding that.
As I said, I may end up being wrong and she may be with him right now as I type. Time will tell if that is the case. I found out before and I could find out again. But, for now, I am giving her the second chance that I decided to give her. Trust was built years ago. It was broken. My hope is that it can be built again.
I'm not here for confrontation with you. If that's what you are looking for, go elsewhere. I know I don't need it and as I've said several times now, everybody has a different story and different circumstances to deal with. You seem to be repeating what I am saying so not sure where this is going. You do things your way, I'll do things my way. Good luck to you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for myself.
There's no need to justify or defend your decision to stay and give her another chance. You need to do what you feel right.
All B.S. on here just want to help you we all have been through the sane pain and proces and most of us do know by now wgat it takes for successfull reconciliation. If you feel your wife is doing all that and if you can live with the pain she caused and the lost trust than of course you should stay. It's a long proces of recovery some of us are going through it including myself. It takes time and hard work from both. Hopefully all works out for the 2 of you. Just take good care of yourself and do keep an eye on her phone and emails etc. Her actions will prove if she is worthy of the second chance you give her.
Well, it's 3:45 AM and I'm sitting here with my computer. Been awake since 1 so you all know the kind of night I've had. Amazing how it takes such little things to start the Rollercoaster. A commercial on TV for the restaurant they went to or a show about cheating and your mind just starts chugging up that hill.
Anyway, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Each of us has to do what we feel is right for us and that is what I am doing. Again, I may be wrong but only time will tell. If you don't mind me asking, how long ago did this start for you? And, do you feel you're moving forward and making progress?
I will do as you say and keep an eye open as I have even over the past 8 weeks. I have my ways and I never give away all my secrets and methods. With so many years of dealing with this I got quite creative. But to be honest with you, I do feel that it is over for now. I am more concentrating on preventing it from happening again. I said we had good, even great times, and at our age we need to try and find them again and finish our lives out together in a positive stage. So, I'm an optimist and I always have been. But, I have also learned lessons that I will never forget from all of this.
Take care, stay well folks.