Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Ok so i think I have made my decision

mrwojo
mrwojo
Ok so I think I am getting very close to makeing the decision to end my marriage . My wife has gotten to the point of actually saying get over it and move on and I, as of this point cant. My wife doesnt understand how I could still be angry and is upset because I wont just let it go sound familiar. My wife just keeps saying I know I cheated but but I am not going to live like this anymore. thruth be told she has it real good I dont yell I dont name call I just get silent and it is apparent I am upset. I have come right out and told her that I need her to be compasionate right now and understand that I am dealing with something that I didnt chose or do to myself . It is something that she did to me . She shows no compassion at all she is actually making me feel bad for being angry . So I think I know what direction my marriage needs to go so now I have to decide exactly how to do it without being a complete jerk . yes I know she wasnt thinking of me when she cheated. Although she told me today that she did think of me but it didnt stop her . I dont want to end this marriage by being a jerk I am on the high road now and dont want to change the path I am on. LOL I am 41 years old and the same problem I had when I was 13 is still there, I hate to break up with a women and hurt there feelings. Is my wanting to split several months into reconsiliation normal will it pass or is it the truth seeping thru. Any advice on this matter would be a great help.
LyraAryn
LyraAryn
Wanting to split up several months into reconciliation is perfectly normal. Even if no one else did that, it would still be "normal" for you. Right now my H and I are in MC, but I still don't know if I want to be married to him. He has given up all his affair partners, but there is still the issue of him doing this in the first place, his disregard for everything we had together, his deceit, etc. Many couples go through MC after an affair and things seem to be ok, but they end up divorcing anyway. It might take a few years even, but one of them (usually the betrayed) ends up filing for divorce.
Don't feel bad about hurting her feelings--she destroyed your marriage and thought plenty of her feelings and her OM, but nothing for you. If it's time to move on, then do so with an eye towards the future and do the things that will make you happy and give you hope for something better.
Sometimes you can see things much more clearly after some time has passed; emotions have possibly settled down somewhat and a persons true colors are revealed.
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
Your wife sounds like she is still in the fog.

Yes, your decision to save the marriage is likely to fluctuate.....particulary with an unremorseful spouse.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My H wanted me to get over it, asking when I thought I might, in fact, get over it. He wanted a timeline! ass! He kind of sounds like your wife. I had to keep asking HIM for patience in order to have time to process this and work through the emotions of the level of betrayals.

I see now that even if he never cheated again, I can't live with someone who cheated again and again with so little respect for me and our marriage. I don't trust him, bottom line.

And btw, I knew almost right away that I wanted to leave. But it took me 6 months to be absolutely sure it was the right thing to do for me and to be ready to make the move. This is your timeline of healing, however long that takes. If you find you still want to leave in a month, 2 or 3, then maybe it's time to leave. But do it on your terms, when you are ready.

I wish you the best. This is a hard thing we are all going through. I'm sure you will make the decision that is right for your life.
Hugs
DG
directingpond
directingpond
Sending some support!
Yes, if your spouse is telling you to get over it- it's time to truly get on with your life. Doesn't mean it'll hurt less, but in time- this may be the only way you can fully heal. Do you really want to stay with someone that wants to invalidate all of your feelings? even after all of this? ughhh!
deleted_user
deleted_user
mrwojo: I am right there with you and designgirl too. I'm dealing with a serial cheater, but I still love at least what I thought was him, so I'm having a truly difficult time in handling all of this emotionally (its been less than one month since I found out more, I'll not say all, of the true breadth and depth of his affairs). My head tells me run, my heart, not yet on the same page. Every conversation we have my SO is "are you over it yet." "When do you think you will be." "You need to make a decision about what you want to do with us." All at the same time professing to want to work this out and make it better and how much he loves me. It's all still about him and his needs, nothing about me. I think its because he thinks if I end it whatever personal guilt/pain he has in having to deal with me will just magically disappear for him. Maybe your wife thinks something along these lines too. I hate the ultimatums. I hate that he did this to me and now I have to work on his timeline. He's had months and years to process his life, I've had weeks to process who he really is versus who I thought he was. I know what my decision is but want to try to get both my heart and head at least in a little more alignment since I'm so afraid that I might backslide like I did the last time if I'm not truly ready. But I see he's not going to give me the time to do that without making me more miserable than I am already.

Well, sorry I suppose that was more of a rant than advice. Except that I just know how you feel in dealing with someone that you love and who professed to love you who can hurt you so deeply and yet appears to have little regard or compassion for the damage that they have caused.