I'm really struggling right now. In some ways less than a year ago when I found out my partner had been cheating the majority of our relationship. In some ways more. The isolation and the shame and the explanations as to why I would continue to try with him. I just feel very alone, despite having therapy on my own once a week. I just lost my job due to the pandemic, I've been home every day watching them come and go, and every time my heart drops. Last night he's at walmart for one item for over an hour, and my concern of his wherabouts is singularly referred to as bitching now. I don't know how someone could be so remorseless about hurting the person they are supposed to be loving the most. I just need someone who knows how I feel, I dont have any friends any more. Genuinely not a single friend. I just feel like I gave everything up for this person and I've been left with the responsibility of fixing the relationship and myself simoultaneously. I can't do this alone. I don't know if I can do it at all. I've obviously been given a small window to just get over things. Not keeping my opinions and concerns to myself leads to more arguing, which leads to more anxiety, which leads to an even emptier feeling inside of me. I've had anxiety for almost ten years now, probably longer but I wasn't aware. Now it consumes me. I have tried to let go of the paranoia, I tell myself his behavior and choices are beyond my control. I just don't know what to do with how I'm feeling. He used to be my best friend. I question everything now. I just feel like I can't get any traction. Like I'm pedaling in place for the last year or even moving backwards. I want us to succeed. I want to be free from this. I don't know if we will make it, but at least I'm trying. I'm just tired of trying alone.
Had a hard craving and briefly gave in and looked at porn. Stopped myself and said no, Not today. Trying to breathe and not get discouraged. Disappointed I gave in, but trying to feel good about stopping. 2 weeks today. Want to keep this going.
Day Seven is when I blew it last time. Today is day 6 and I fully expect an onslaught this weekend. Of course, my accountability partner is out of town. But hopefully he will still have a cell signal at the retreat where their family is. I will post an update on Monday!