2.5 years sober is great. The first year is the stinker. After 1 year often there is depression to go through. He is at 2.5 years. He is through the most critical danger zone. Yes, there is always the risk of his starting to use again, but it won't blindside you. You have a risk of going down some negative road that could hurt him too. Relationships take risk. Sounds like there is a lot of possible reward with this guy to make the risk worth it. Good luck.

As far as what the first guy said, good luck finding an adult with no baggage. I don't know how old you are, but anyone in their mid thirtys or older, and single has some baggage. Life is just not that kind to most. The second post is right on. My h has been sober for almost 4 years now. I am so proud of him. No matter what other ass hole shit he has done. I will always be proud of his sobriety, as long as he keeps it up, and I think he will. The good thing about people who have hit rock bottom and clawed their way out of it is that often tomes they come out really awesome. Pulling yourself up from rock bottom means doing a lot of soul searching, and making a lot of personal changes. This guy might be great! One thing that would prob be bad is if you are a drinker. I would think if you would want to start a relationship with this guy you would need to not drink. If you can do that go for it. You can be one more reason for him to stay sober!
Good luck. I hope you find all the happiness and love you deserve!

In answer to some of your questions, I come from a traditional Italian family. Grew up on drinking wine as part of our family social gatherings. No one in our family has ever abused that....we just love wine. And although I don't drink everyday as a part of my life, I do enjoy a nice glass of wine or drink every once in awhile. I would feel so bad if I incorporated him into my family/friends and everyone is drinking. I'm not so sure how to deal with that. Is that my responsibility to deal with it? Is it my responsibility to keep him "away" from that. I don't know.....so many questions that it's daunting to me....

You have to ask him. It depends on how solid his sobriety is too. My h can be around people drinking and be fine, although it isn't first choice for either of us because drunk people are really annoying when you're sober. But like having diner with people who have one or two is fine. BUT, I have a friend who will not be around it at all. And no, his sobriety is absolutely not your resposability. Just be supportive and don't invite him to any big drunkfest. Don't get wasted around him. Be supportive. Ask him where his comfort level is as far as being around alcohol and if he would expect you to quit.

Hey Julianna,

Well, congrats out there! Seems you found someone that you like, enough to ask here about!

Really, no person comes into any relationship unscathed and unscarred a bit. We all have our life lessons and we all have our issues. Take that into consideration.

Yes, this is a disease, and it is life long, but...really...BUT...over 2 years sobriety is so impressive. Man, I am impressed!

You know, if it were me, I would go for it. The man is upfront and honest and owning this. He didn't have to. He could have hid it. He didn't.

Trust until you have a reason not to.

my two cents...L~

Reidqa...

'In my case no baggage or drama mama post divorce.'

So, after your divorce, you would not have dated anyone with issues or mama drama...

'I wanted new mate pure and untouched by these factors.'

A 'pure' new mate? Untouched by life?

I had learned allot from my crash of marriage, and rules new mate would be subjected to due to EW infidelity.'

'rules a new mate would be subjected to due to your Ex wife's cheating?'

'You are controlling.'

Who? You? Wow...yeah...

L~

Hmmm - I have to say that for me alcoholism, drug addiction, bi-polar and narcism/BPD are deal breakers.

Sounds harsh but it's my decision about my life and how I choose to live it. I like a casual drink - and like you I would not want to risk his successful sobriety through my social habits. Nor would I enjoy a drink - when I knew he couldn't.

The other issues - Bi Polar, addiction etc - they can be very good excuses for bad decisions - and I choose not to have that in my life. I have friends who have gone down this path with partners - one in particular who likes to either spend a huge sum of cash, or sleep around when he's manic. And she has to wear it - because its part of him. Thats her choice and it's valid - but I see it kill her a little bit inside every time she has to forgive and forget. again.

I am currently seeing a guy who is a smoker - that is another thing that has always been a deal breaker for me - but less so. In this case - I'm willing to work with it - but then it isnt going to be anything that I can't handle - and that may be where you need to draw the line. Whats the worst case scenario and can you handle it?

LSteck makes a good point about him owning this, and no one being untouched by life. None of us are perfect or untouched, but there are some things that we choose to deal with or not. Drug or alcohol addiction for me - I choose not. But that's just me.

I have to agree with many of the others here..

Having been in your shoes, and being single for over 2 yrs now, and finding it VERY hard to trust again after being in a relationship where my Fiance' had another woman on the side.. Ideally I would like to find someone who had NO BAGGAGE whatsoever.. but then I have to look in the mirror.
I am expecting this person, to accept me whole heartedly with all the baggage I come with.. and I certianly cannot expect others to be PERFECT.
Everyone has flaws. Weather it's being 20 lbs overweight, or having things in their past they are not proud of.. these are life expereinces that enrich us, and make us the people we are.

Now working in Substance abuse and mental health, as a profession, It makes it even harder for me to dismiss a totally amazing guy who tells me after a few dates he is a reocovering alcholic.
Sobriety is a life long journey.. but at 2.5 years, he is clearly committed. As long as you are comfortable with it, and him.. I don't see why he should be different than any other amazing guy you meet.

Update: You guys are amazing! And even know I don't really know any of you, I'm so thankful for all of you and your wonderful thoughts!

I received an email last night from Mr. Amazing. Yes....an email. Not a phone call or a text....but an email saying thanking me for coming over to his house for dinner but after our conversation, has decided to move on. That's it.....the last thing he said to me before I left that night was please think about what I said and let me know your thoughts. Well...I'm confused! Perhaps he is just not in a healthy place right now to deal with me and having a relationship. I don't know....but I'm certainly disappointed because I was willing to put faith in him and try to explore this relationship.....clearly he has made that decision for the both of us.....

That's odd, huh? Do you think he picked up on your mixed feelings or uncertainty? Maybe a facial expresssion, you didn't realize. Or perhaps he felt judged? I don't know what to say, it's too bad, that he couldn't have done it in person. No, not even text to me is really acceptable, it's too easy nowadays for people to break up that way, and I'm amazed that adults really do that!

Oh well, guess the decision is made for you. Could be his huge insecurity, but then I'm wondering why he was open and vulnerable to share? Hmm, just seems odd to me. I'd be tempted to find out more of his thinking, but that's just me!

Hey Blondie!

Well, you do have my support here.

Could be that he realizes the gravity of his own situation, how solid he may be feeling but also understanding how easy it would be relapse. No idea.

I'm with Blondie. I would be tempted to find out more too.

L~

Julianna, are you a darn good poker player and great at hiding your tells? I would venture to guess he read a lot of your face when he told you, went home, pondered it like you did, and formed an opinion. Heck, he may have gone right to an AA meeting or called his sponsor the way you came here, and maybe he got negative feedback.

Either way, It is worth a phone call to discuss it with him. Email back and say he does not get off that easily and ask him when he can meet, and discuss it in person.

The usual AA recommendation is to neither start a new relationship nor end a current one in the first year of sobriety. However, I immediately thought that his sponsor, as someone who probably knows him as well as anyone, may have warned him about the dangers of starting a new relationship even after 2 1/2 years. Just a guess though.

:( that sucks. Maybe he's just not the one...
On the other hand, maybe it's a good chance to take it slow and be friends. Possibly building a foundation for more later. For whatever reasons seems the universe is telling you not now. There is something good out there for you though, believe it!

He is actually not going to AA anymore as I asked him. He said that he felt that he didn't need to be going anymore that he is done with drinking. Unfortunately, I'm not an expert on this subject but I'm certainly not convinced especially now with hearing from all of you about this being a life long disease.

I dont think I need to go and "dig" for the answer of "why"....I think I have my answer. Once again, just truly disappointing to me because I certainly think he is a great guy.